Don't Let Me Push You Away (Simon Minter Fanfic)

Chapter 27

When I was asleep, I dreamt, and when I dreamt, it was of my dad. So I slept a lot. Mostly of my young ages, like the time he brought me to my first Pink Floyd concert. If it weren't for him I would have never bothered listening to the greatest bands of all time. In my dream I remembered how excited I was and the smirk on my dad's face when I could sing some of the words. Or when he'd come home after a long day at work and lay with me on the couch eating junk food until we fell asleep next to each other. Mum used to hate it, she was the one who had to wake me up in the morning for school. He would brush her off and tell her we were bonding. I wish he was wrong. If it weren't for those late nights and adventures maybe it wouldn't hurt this much. My chest wouldn't feel like someone carved an endless hole where my heart should be.

Following the weeks after the accident, I didn't leave the bed much. Not mine and Simon's, but JJ's bed. The only time I bothered getting up was for the funeral. Having only the strength to throw on the blackest of my clothes because makeup would only be cried off and doing my hair for the worst day of my life didn't seem right. All the boys came with me. They didn't know my dad personally, but they knew me and him being gone hurt them as well. It was a kind gesture, but the only person I wanted and needed there was Jide. When he heard the news, from Mum because I refused to speak of it, he broke down harder than ever before. My and dad and him always had a special kind of relationship, if I didn't know any better, I would say Dad always wanted the two of us to be together.

Usually my family celebrated a person's life rather than mourn over their death. It was a lot easier to do for a distant cousin or an old family member. I feared what I would do if I allowed alcohol to take over my body. For once I didn't turn to the poison to numb myself, my brain and body were doing that all by themselves. Tears constantly filled my eyes, always threatening to spill but none of them fell. This kind of pain was unexplainable, it was like I felt everything and nothing all at once. My body ached like I was in physical pain, even though I was perfectly fine. On the outside.

That day was a blur, we all sat around the rich, cherry brown casket, closed because of all the damages Dad had on him. Family and friends went up and said beautiful things about what a great man he was. For anyone else I would have called bullshit, but everything they said was true. Dad was truly the greatest man to have ever walked this earth. That's what I would have said if I went up to speak. But I couldn't bring myself to. All of our special memories would stay between us, forever.

Everyone came up to me and said how sorry they were, wearing the same sympathetic grin I hated more than anything. JJ had to thank them for me because all I did was stare into space, praying that I could go home and go to sleep soon so I could see Dad again.

It finally ended, I offered to stay with Mum so she wouldn't be alone, she declined, already planning on staying at Aunt Helen's for awhile. Our house had too many memories of him, of them. If there was one person more broken than me, it was my mum. She was a lot stronger than me though and found it within her to weakly smile at the people giving their sincerest apologies.

In the car Tobi drove, Harry in the passenger seat, while I sat in the back between Simon and JJ. Poor Simon didn't know how to comfort me, I wasn't giving him anything to go off of. He held my hand gently even though I did not hold his back. My anger with him had not subsided, only growing more as he couldn't figure out how to make the pain go away. Of all the times he pulled me back from my darkest thoughts and he couldn't do it now. Maybe I didn't want him to, being angry with him was a lot easier than giving him the love I didn't have left to give anymore.

Once we got back to the house I broke away from the distraught boy to find my rightful place under JJ's covers, even more exhausted than I had been lately. My best friend quickly followed me and pulled me into his arms. "You can't shut him out, Kells."