Unknown's Messages//Phan

Chapter 23

Trigger Warning - Suicidial thoughts, Self harm. 

That night was not good for either boys. Phil had left Dan earlier in the evening and gone to another hotel, which was cold and dirty.

Dan was wrapped up in the thin duvet, head rested on the hard pillow as tears ran down his cheeks. It wasn't that anything 'bad' had happened that day, it was just his thoughts taking over his mind as per usual. 

He'd just been laid in bed, staring at the ceiling since he couldn't sleep, when his mind went to a dark, dark place.

"Kill yourself"

"Die"

"Cut yourself"

"I hate you"

"You deserve to die"

It was all true, he thought. He deserved all of this, he thought. He should kill himself, he thought

Slipping out of bed, he shivered a little as the cold air hit him, before slipping on a pair of jeans and a top. He grabbed his phone and left the hotel, deciding a walk may be good to try and clear his head rather than letting his mind win once more.

He wanted to message Phil because he wanted help but he wasn't going to because he didn't want to bother him or annoy him to the point of him leaving because Dan loved Phil much more than he knew.

~

Meanwhile, Phil had also been having some trouble with getting to sleep. He'd been tossing and turning, wishing he was with Dan to cuddle him. He wasn't having a good night, he felt sad. Because of everything he'd done and his father. The drugs, the beatings, the bullying. Everything.

He decided that instead of doing something he may regret, he'd get up and go out for a little bit. He would've messaged Dan but he didn't want to bother him, and knowing the boy had his own problems, he also didn't want to sadden or worry him.

So Phil slipped on a shirt, jeans and a hoodie and left the hotel with his room key and phone.

~

As Dan walked down the street, his mind seemed get quite messy and it made him cry, once again. It got worse. Every time he saw a cars headlights, he considering jumping out in front of it and letting himself die a slow and painful death but he knew that it could hurt anyone in that car, and if they weren't physically hurt, they would be mentally.

He also considered walking to the bridge that he knew was nearby, then he could just let himself drop onto the hard concrete below.

All he kept thinking about were bad things, no matter how hard he tried. It felt horrible, that he couldn't change his thought pattern, or simply be happy.

Once he was away from the busy streets and on a dimly lit bridge, he sat on the edge and sighed while shoving his hands in his pockets. Feeling something cold and metal, he furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed onto the object, pulling it out.

Looking down, he saw that it was a little blade and sighed, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them and looking again, wishing it'd just disappear. And that's when his mind took over.

The small blade that had been taken from a sharpener quickly came in contact with the skin on his wrist. So many little cuts covered his wrist, blood seeping out as he cried. 

Minutes later, he stopped and the blade dropped out of his hand and down off of the bridge, causing him to curse out loud angrily. 

"Goddamn it" he yelled, standing up and grabbing onto his hair, pulling at it harshly.

"Dan? What're you doing?" a voice spoke, startling the boy and pulling him out of his thoughts.

"N-nothing, just couldn't sleep, you?" he told Phil , who was walking towards him. Dan was panicking a lot, trying to hide his wrist. He didn't want Phil seeing what he'd done.

"Me neither" Phil hummed "You're crying.. Why?"

"My heads messed up, Phil. So fricken messed up" whimpered Dan, shaking his head as Phil pulled him into a hug.

"It's okay, it's going to be alright"

It was when the two pulled away from their hug that Phil noticed and it pained him to see that Dan had done this to himself. 

"Why?" Lester whispered, making Dan's eyes widen.

"W-what're you talking about?"

"Dan" Phil spoke, taking hold of Dan's arm so that his the cuts and blood was visible.

"I'm sorry" choked Dan, falling forwards into Phil's arm. He was a sobbing mess to say the least, and it broke Phil's heart that this had happened.

"Let's go back and clean you up, yeah?" mumbled the slightly older boy, holding back tears himself.

Dan mumbled something that Phil couldn't quite make out but Phil decided against questioning it and just pulled Howell up and began pulling him back, away from the edge of the bridge.

Once they got back to the hotel, Phil turned the tap on and held Dan's wrist under it.

"I'm sorry" winced Dan, watching the bloody water run. Lester ignored his words and turned the tap off, lifting him up onto the counter part beside the sink. 

Once Dan's wrist had been cleaned up and bandaged, Phil helped him down before getting him changed back into some sleepwear and watching him lay down in bed.

"Please stay?" 

"I will until you fall asleep, then I'll head back to the other hotel" 

"mmkay"

Phil slipped off his hoodie and laid on top of the duvet beside Dan, who was under the covers and cuddling up to the older boy already. 

Once Dan had drifted off, Phil kissed his forehead with a sigh before slipping out of bed and grabbing a pen and piece of paper;

Danny, 

I'm so sorry I had to leave you baby. Text me when you wake up, I'll stay with you tonight. I love you lots, see you soon x

P.S, you look super cute when you're sleeping :) x

Phil left the note beside Dan's head on the pillow as well as the hoodie before slipping his shoes back on again and leaving the hotel.