Beyond Repair

Chapter 10: Afterwards

I don't remember when I fell asleep but I woke up to someone banging on my door. I pull on black leggings before answering the door and made sure my tack was hidden. I hated using it but it'd have to do until I got a better thing to use.

Opening the door, Evan walks in and hugs me tightly. I wish I felt something because right now I don't feel anything. I'm numb and I love it. I hate feeling; if I could be numb forever, I would take it. But eventually I'll feel again.

"Are you okay?" He asks me.

No.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie, no one really cares about whether or not I'm okay. They want to believe I'm fine and I'll give them that. I owe them that much.

"Paisley-"

"I said I'm fine," I snap and then sink to my bed, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped, I'm just..."

I didn't even know a word to use.

"Upset?"

More like depressed but if it makes you sleep better at night.

"Yep," I pop the p, "That's it."

"Listen Paisley," he starts, "Eric just needed to pick a fight. He's pissed you didn't take him back and I don't blame you. I don't want you to think any of this is your fault. If anything, you're the only thing keeping us together right now."

"Sure I am," I say with so much sarcasm that I'm surprised at myself, "Where's dad? Not at home making sure I'm okay, that's for sure. He doesn't give a shit about me because I fucked his life up."

Well here comes all the anger I have.

"Paisley, you know that's not fair. Dad loves you and he wants to provide everything for, not only you, but all of us. He cares for us, he's our dad, he's dealt with us for the past twenty years and it hasn't been easy but he loves us and he definitely loves you."

Maybe Evans right. Maybe I am being too hard on my dad. He does provide for us and I'm sure it must be hard for him to take care of ten kids all by himself. But it still brings me back to my point that if mom never died, everything would be okay.

"I miss her so much," I say and hear my voice break. Thinking about mom made me realize how much I actually miss her. I try to go through the day with a strong front for everyone's sake but I really fucking miss mom.

"I miss her too," he tells me and pretends to not notice a stray tear escaping my eye. I sigh and wipe it away. I've spent enough time wallowing in sadness. Time to go pretend everything's okay.

"Where's Jordan?" I ask and Evan smirks. He grabs the door handle and pulls the door open. When he does that, Jordan, Logan and Chris all fall into my room. James is probably taking care of the young ones. He's not really the brother that knows the right thing to say when people are sad so he's more of a listener. Evan smirks and the other three rub their heads and look at me.

"Oh hey Paisley," Chris says, "Is this your room?"

I roll my eyes, "Nosy."

"I prefer sexy but hey different opinions," Logan says and we all take this time to look at him. How does that even make sense?

"Where's Cole?"

"On a date," Logan says with a smirk, "Well study date but it's basically a date with this cute blonde."

I roll my eyes, "Maybe he's found someone."

"Or trying to get into her pants."

I throw my pillow at him and it hits him right in the face, "Is sex all you ever think about?"

Logan, Jordan and Evan in unison say, "Yes."

"Boys are nasty."

"Anyways, how are you?" Chris asks.

"Fine," I reply instantly, "So Jordan, are we going to do this Supernatural marathon or what?"

He smiles big and brightly, "Of course we are!"

My other brothers take this as a reason to leave and are out of my room as soon as possible. They don't like Supernatural because they claim it's not scary enough. I think they're just jealous because Jensen Ackles looks so great and that makes them a bit insecure.

But I'm glad Jordan shares a love for Supernatural like I do. Soon enough we're into the second season and still have a lot more to go. But right now, this feels perfect. Jordan and I are close again and nothing seems to be wrong. Right now, sitting here, watching Supernatural while eating snacks, I feel like nothing has changed. And I love these few little moments I have. I almost feel like we're a normal family again.

"Paisley," Jordan says and I turn to look at him. His face shows happiness but his eyes show worry.

"Yes?"

"Are you really okay? Or are you just pretending for our sake?"

I want to tell him the truth that it's a little bit of both. Being with my brothers makes me feel better but being alone makes all the thoughts I've pushed away, come back. But I don't know if they're ready for the truth. Everyone always thinks they are but in reality they're not. I don't want this to be one of those moments.

"I am really okay," I lie and the words feel foul on my tongue. Why do I keep lying to them? They could maybe help me! Why can't I let someone in?

"Okay," Jordan says softly but I can tell he doesn't believe me. Maybe he'll be the first one to notice I haven't been okay for a while, "Have you taken your meds today?"

I completely forgot that I had them.

"I forgot about them," I admit and he sighs. He pauses Netflix and I hear him heading downstairs before returning. He holds out a pill and hands me a glass of water. I sigh and pop the pill in my mouth before downing the glass of water. I guess that made Jordan feel better because we started the show shortly after.

Halfway through the show, I slowly drifted off into sweet, dreamless sleep.

vB/bS