outlines ✰ l.h.

chapter nineteen

High school made my head pound. The busy work, unnecessary projects, sea of people yelling a laughing. It stressed me out enough without the education.

I was walking alone with my head down. I was trying to avoid Luke. I was trying to get some type of advice from Calum at dinner tonight before I even looked in Luke's direction. 

So I did just that. My day dragged on. Yawning, heavy eyes, cringing at girls yelling and boys whooping. I hated it today. All of the hours of the school day seemed to go by in slow motion. 

It was when I was kicking gravel on the way back to my car that I realized I was done. I was so over Luke and Kat and Kat and Luke and blah blah blah. If he doesn't want to talk to me, great. I don't want to be led on by a guy who is possibly in a relationship and isn't telling me. It's fine, this is fine. 

But oh gosh. I just really like his floppy hair and eyes that resemble diamonds. He's always so warm and joyful. He seems to care and I feel like he's honest, but I'm so much more than the mistress. More than the side girl. More than what isn't a top priority. I'm Andy Emerson and dammit I deserve nothing more than loyalty and kindness and love.

-

"What did I tell you?" Calum said, picking up another slice of pizza.

I didn't even acknowledge him. Did I really get played by Luke? Probably. Should I have taken account that the first red flag was a red bra laying on Luke's floor? Yes. I should have. And I'm an idiot.

"What did I tell you?" I mocked Calum's voice. He laughed, I didn't. Boys are stupid. I sat up straight in our booth, "I don't even know what happened. One night were were studying and laughing and cool together, and now he hasn't even talked to me. I won't stand for the back and forth."

He raised an eyebrow at me, "Have you tried talking to him?" 

"No, Calum, I haven't," I sarcastically replied. I crossed my arms and stared at the half eaten pizza in front of me. 

"I know a lot of girls are a bit scared of confrontation, you know, talking to the guy first. I guess you all just don't want to scare us off," he chuckled. 

I smiled, "You are wise beyond your years, young grasshopper." He shoved another piece of pizza in his mouth and I just shook my head. "What will I do when you go off to college and leave me here all by myself?" I jokingly asked.

"Have even worse guy problems."

I rolled my eyes, "What's funny is that you're right. Ashton too. Hopefully we go to the same college, I would hate to part ways from everyone." I said. 

Calum shrugged, "You never know. Maybe it could be for the best."

-

Calum and I were hardcore jamming in his car on the way home. The windows were down, the sun had set, we had a few more miles until my house. I was loving every minute of it. Pure bliss.

He turned the radio down as we pulled up to my driveway.

"Thanks for getting pizza with me, Ands. You always know the way to my heart. Or to my stomach, I guess."

We laughed, which is something we did all night. 

All of the thoughts of Luke that left my mind tonight came rushing back in the second of silence after our laughter. I stared at the glovebox, waiting for Calum to speak, but it stayed silent.

I didn't flinch when his hand touched my shoulder or when he told me it would be alright. I didn't feel sad, just angry. What a waste of time.

Calum listed off all of the illegal things he would do to Luke to get revenge. Break his legs, slash his tires, all of the good stuff. We laughed, we joked, we laid out scenarios. But my heart still stung. We didn't even date. We didn't share a meaningful kiss. Sort of just a "Hey, I'm hot, let me get into your pants then leave you" scenario. You know? 

Me and Calum shared our goodbyes. I slid my feet against my doormat to get rid of the grass stuck to the bottom of my shoes. I turned my key in the lock and felt my eyes water. Tears fell as I stepped inside and I felt like I was losing control of so much.

I was alone and I didn't want to be. 

I dug my phone out of my back pocket, wiping away my tears and called Luke. I tapped my foot as it rang. No answer. I called again. No answer. Again and again. No answer. 

I threw myself onto my couch and turned on my TV to drown out my soft cries. I felt so pathetic. Crying over a boy who had no interest in me anymore. Crying about school and prom. Crying about being here by myself. 

I texted my dad, waiting for just someone to talk to. No response. Ashton was next, no response. Calum now. No response. 

That night I slept on the couch with my television drowning out any noise in my mind.

-

When I woke up, Luke hadn't returned my call. I remembered all of the times I called him last night, approximately five, a couldn't help but beat myself up over it. I probably scared him away.

I skipped school. My dad called me and chewed me out over it, but I didn't care. I didn't care about much today. My hair was frizzy and knotted in a bun. I was in the same t-shirt I wore yesterday. I didn't clean up any of my dishes and the TV was still on. I was tired. Emotionally and physically. I still hated Luke.

I needed to go somewhere. Maybe a bench by the lake or a swing in the park. Just a drive around town even. I felt crammed. I felt like I messed up somehow.

It took everything in me not to pick up my phone and cuss Luke out. No texts, no calls, nothing. He was all that I was thinking about though. What a jerk.

I drove slowly in the light, misty rain. The sun was going down and my AC was on full blast. I didn't play the radio. I just listened to the cars passing me and horns honking here and there. 

I thought about Luke. Everything I could say to him. Everything I didn't say to him. I thought about Kat. Her stupid red bra. They were probably screwing in his house right where we got close that night. Gosh, she got under my skin. Luke was an idiot. I didn't deserve his back and forth and indecisiveness. 

I turned every which way down this familiar town. I passed the school. I passed the milkshake bar. I was heading towards Luke's house. 

The gates were closed of course. There were no cars in the driveway and the garage door was shut. I replayed in my head the sweat dripping down his biceps and the tape around his knuckles turning his hands red. I was practically drooling at this moment. 

My thoughts switched more than the lights in my bedroom. I hate him. I want him. He means something to me. He's nothing to me. 

I sped up on the curvy backroads I was taking. I was speeding, going 65 in a 50. My steering wheel jerked to the left and I let go of the wheel. The back of my car fish tailed and I was face to face with a muddy bank. I felt the impact of the crash and then silence.

I don't remember the next moments, but it was all dark.