May The Dread Wolf Take You

Chapter Forty One: If They Find Out

Maeve felt it in her chest as she walked back to her quarters. It came over her in a soft wave. She couldn't tell what it was. Frustration, anger, anxiety. She wasn't feeling it, there was no reason for her to feel it so suddenly. It was Solas. Something was irritating him and she could sense it, just as he said she would.

This spontaneous load of emotion did not keep Maeve from what she was doing. She needed to be alone. Even if it was just for a moment. She just needed some solitude. When she reached her quarters, she padded up the stairs and sat on the bed. She sat in the center with her legs crossed beneath her. Playing with the strings on the frayed end of the blanket, she began to think on what had happened.

She played it over and over in her head. The moment she saw Cassandra go down she was in the middle of her own fight. There was no way she could have made it to her in time even if she had known. It was her fault though. All of this. Everything. Had she been able to defeat Corypheus before, had she been smarter, faster, more invested, he would be dead already and none of this would have happened. She kept saying that and she found she hated the way the words sounded. "None of this would have happened", when in reality she didn't know.

She felt an awful tension and remorse in her heart. If she were more enbedded and dedicated things would be better. The door opened abruptly and an agile set of footsteps ran up the stairs. She knew immediately who it was. The tingling in her hand stopped as he approached her and sat as she did, cross legged, in front of her.

He didn't say anything. He just sat there and wound her hands with his, interlocking their fingers. His presence was soothing. Just him being near, his eyes on her as she tried to work through her own stress, was more than enough. His breath was even and his fingers made smooth circles over her knuckles as she looked down at their entangled hands.

She blushed at his simple touch even though she knew she didn't deserve his love, his admiration, she melted into it. She needed it, needed him. "I have lived with the fact that thousands die because of the decisions I make. I have endured through all of the terrible choices I've had to make. Yet, this, what I've done to my friends, it is ripping me apart." She felt a tear fall down her face and wet her cheek. She was not sobbing but she felt the immense pressure in her senses that made her think she might.

"They were so happy, blessed with the joy of a child in a time when everything is bleak. And all because I was blind and a fool, their baby is gone. Did you see their faces?" She cried. She could not meet his eyes. "They will never forgive me for this, Solas." She stated. He pulled her into his chest and she sat their shuddering with tears and sobs as she cried. There was nothing he could say. Nothing he said would make her feel less responsible. Her guilt was on her because she put it there. Only she could take it away.

When she stopped crying and wiped her eyes, she rested her head on his shoulder. She was leaning into him still, still sitting in front of him, nearly in his lap. "What is it?" She asked, confusing him. "What is what, Vhenan?" He replied. She sat up and looked at him. She kept her hand in his, the feeling of its warmth a reassuring pleasure. "What is it that's bothering you?" She elaborated as she smiled through her upset. He shook his head and brought his hand up to cradle her cheek. She kissed his palm lovingly and looked into his blue eyes. They held so much love but also worry. The stress that had been gone, was back and it frustrated her. She brought it back. One more thing to blame on herself.

"It is nothing, Vhenan. I'm merely concerned for you. You should not place this much guilt on yourself. The loss of the Seekers child is not your fault. Even if Corypheus were gone, those bandits would still have been out there and you still would have taken Cassandra with you. Please, I beg of you, stop blaming yourself for this." He pleaded with her. She shook her head at him this time and gripped his hands tighter. She took his words to heart but she didn't want to talk about it anymore.