May The Dread Wolf Take You

Chapter Thirty Seven: The Pain Inflicted

Pain is a strange thing. It can be so strongly physical, can hurt so terribly that the body cannot bear it. It can also be emotional, so deep and cold, like ice being poured into the soul. It can coat and freeze and destroy even the strongest of people. Sometimes, on rare, terrible occasions, pain comes in both forms. Having it inflicted in both ways at once is more gut retching than most can describe. This is often the case because it destroys most who experience it this way.

Pain is inflicted in many ways. Injury, torture, hunger, lust, rage, silence, death, loss. Many are physical means, some are emotional. Loss is one of the most deadly instances. It attacks its host with emotional pain that leads to physical pain. It is, at first, a shock. A small meaningless jumble of words that stab and slow the heart. Then as the seconds tick by, the severity sinks in and stings like thousands of tiny needles piercing the skin. In the next minutes, it begins to burn, to itch, and the host writhes and screams on the inside.

It may take days or weeks for it to set in but for most it's mere hours. Then, when they really feel it, there's nothing. For a time there is no pain, no hurt, no anything. There is no feeling. No emotion can settle inside the soul because there is so much unrest. There's so much that is unknown, so much that the emotion could trigger that the soul has no desire to feel or wake up to. So it doesn't. This was the stage Cassandra found herself in.

When she first arrived back at Skyhold, she'd caught Solas' knowing glance. She glared back at him. She didn't know how he knew but he did. It was not something she could worry about at the moment. She went to her quarters, a place she hadn't been in weeks. Seeing it was strange to her. The floors were cleaner than she remembered, the curtains darker, the light snuffed out. But perhaps her mood made it that way.

She sat on the bed. Her armor was still on, her things still packed, her sword and shield still strapped to her. As she sat there, she stared blankly at the ground. Her eyes skimmed over the thin cracks and the minute patches of dirt. She wasn't sure how to feel. It had all happened so fast.

It all started when she melted into him that night in the hall. Cassandra had given in, let her feelings blind her. She fell in love with Cullen and ended up pregnant with his child. That in itself turned her life around. Then she made a stupid, stupid decision because she was so duty bound, so stubborn. Deciding to go to Crestwood with the others was probably her biggest lapse in judgment yet. Her duty was to serve the Inquisition. That ended the moment she found out she was with child. From that moment on her duty, her responsibility was to keep their child safe.

And she'd failed. She knew it, she felt it. Usually in the midst of a fight Cassandra would have fought back but when the first blow came down on her, she knew it was over. There was nothing she could do. She couldn't move, could barely breath, couldn't defend herself. She was shocked, the intensity of loss hitting her in the heart and slowing it.

She watched as Bull killed the man, though her mind was somewhere else entirely. She felt a tear slip down her cheek. It warmed her face and lips before she wiped it away and acted as if nothing had happened. She couldn't let them see, couldn't let them know. They'd be furious, upset, worried and she wouldn't distract them. Now she didn't know what to do. She didn't feel anything. She was completely numb to everything around her. Her nerves were dead inside her body. If her loss had hurt her physically she did not feel it.

She sat there for a few moments before getting up. She stripped down, removing her armor plates, her leathery attire, until she was in nothing but her underwear and her night shirt. There was a small wash room in the far corner of the room. She kept a bucket of water there and it was usually refreshed while she was gone. She went there and dipped a cloth into the water. It was icy but Cassandra did not feel it. The coolness was a mere tingle on her skin. Then, knowing what she would find and knowing how terrible it would be, she looked down. Her entire right leg had a long red streak down the inside of it. It trickled in a line down her leg and at the sight she almost shed a tear but it would not be released.