Tough Love

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I head to the rec room and grab something to eat. I just sit there, staring at the food, not wanting to eat it. I feel a bit sick and the full effect of having Paul near me and dealing with the operation hits me. I can't eat anything because I'm worried I will bring it back up. I just stare off into space, thinking. I don't even know if everyone is safe. I don't know if any of the robbers were shot. All I know is Eli is ok. And no matter how good that is, in the back of my mind is the thought of someone else getting injured or killed because of my command. Maybe I was too early to give the green light, maybe I was just a fraction too late. I don't know what happened because the smoke bombs covered all the cameras. Now that Paul isn't here and my mind can focus on the morning's events, I can't help but relive everything over and over again.

Could I have done anything different? Should I have done anything different? I don't know. Because I don't know the outcome, I can't look back in hindsight. I don't want to be the cause of someone getting injured or dying, no matter how bad they are. That's not something I want. I'm not naive, I know people get killed on the job here. I know that the bad people get taken down. I know all this and I can usually rationalize it, but I'm never involved as much as I was today. My mind being the way it is, it just can't shove things to the back burner. It has to keep going over every little detail, like it's exercising itself all the time, trying to see just how much information it can remember.

I don't know how long I sit there, but I'm startled out of my daze by someone standing in front of me. I nearly jump out of my skin and my breathing turns ragged. The fog starts to clear from my eyes and I see the team walking into the rec room. Boy, do I start panicking. I suddenly realize I'm in this small room and all these guys are walking into it. I've left myself in a very vulnerable and stupid position. I am scolding myself for being so dumb, for letting my brain cloud my judgement. I can feel my fingers tingling and the blackness starts around the edges of my eyes, when I hear, “Dani? It's me. It's Eli. Dani?”

I can just about make his voice out over the whooshing and pounding in my ears and I manage to choke out, “Can't breathe....”

“Ok, ok. Guys, give us the room a sec please?”

I presume the guys leave because Eli then says, “Hey, hey. It's ok, baby. Just breathe with me, just breathe and count.... Shhh, just concentrate on counting.”

I choke back a sob as I whisper, “Can't breathe...”

“Shh, it's ok. It's just us in here now. Just you and me, like at home. Just relax a bit and count. You want me to take your hand?”

I tentatively move my hand towards him and he gently picks it up before placing it on his heart.

He works on calming me down and when my breathing and heart rate are almost back to normal, I drop my head in embarrassment and retract my hand quickly.

Eli asks, “What was that about?”

I mumble, “I didn't know you were back.. and then you all appeared in here...”

Recognition flashes across his face. “The room too small?”

I nod a tiny bit, ashamed of my stupidity.

“Ash and I did call you, you know?”

I know a confused look crosses my face, which he must see, because he asks, “What were you thinking about? You must have been far away if you didn't hear us.”

“Just today.”

“By the way, you were amazing. Just so you know.”

“Did anyone get.... killed?”