There was a knock on the door followed by my father peeking his head through, "Can we talk?" he asked in a calming voice.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess there's no escaping it."
"Do.. you.. want.. to kill.. yourself." he said pausing between each word sitting on the bed beside me.
"Dad, I already told you no." I rolled my eyes.
He sighed, "I know but I'm really worried about you."
"Don't be, it's not worth your time." I state before crawling into a ball in the corner of my bed hugging the nearest pillow.
He looked at me his eyes filled with concern, "I will always worry about you. You are worth my time. You're practically my world, Alexia. You don't know what your mother and I would go through if anything ever happened to you."
"Dad I promise nothing will ever happen to me." I assure him.
He pinched the skin between his eyes, "You can't promise that. Why, what caused you to start this?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "This is such a small thing to me I don't even remember."
"You think this is small?!" he yelled standing and pacing back and forth across my room.
"I don't think it's as big of a deal all you're making it." I confess.
He gritted his teeth, "Think right now and tell me why you started this."
I thought for a few seconds before remembering, "It was after you and mom found out I quit eating for a few days, I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do."
"Lex, we were never mad at you for that. We're still not mad at you. Mad and concerned are two entirely different words and I can honestly say for the first times your parents don't know how to fix this." he says in a defeated look.
"There's nothing to be fixed, I'm not broken." I try to get my point across.
"You're missing something. I don't know what it is but you are."
"You guys love me, right?" I ask.
"Of course..."
He wants to say more but I cut him off, "You show me all the time how much you love me, right?"
"Yeah.."
"You would do anything for me?" I ask.
"Yes, Lexi."
"Good, that's all I need from you guys. I don't need any sort of special treatment and you guys telling me how much you love me because I know. It was something I saw in a movie so I tried it for myself only to realize how addicting it is." I pause before continuing my rant, "I still want to cut but I don't. My older scars are starting to fade and they were like accessories and I feel empty without them and I want more but I know how much that is going to hurt everyone else so I will never do it again. I promise."
"Do we need to get you help?"
"What!? No!" I yell jumping off my bed, "I don't want to be locked up in some mental institution."
My mom walked through the door, "Calm down, Lex. That's not what he's talking about."
I roll my eyes before sitting back down, "I don't need a shrink either."
"Lex we can't just let this slip out of our minds. This is serious!" my mom yelled.
"Please.." I start, "Can I just be alone?"
Both my parents raise their hands in defeat before leaving the room and softly closing the door behind them. I start to cry, my parents think I'm insane and if I wasn't under such high radar I would definitely cut right now. Stress is what makes me do it, it makes me feel better. As long as I don't go to deep everything will be okay. Right? I laid in bed quietly for a few minutes before I heard a knock on my window. I turned to see Taylor's face smiling softly. I get off my bed to unlock the window and let her in. She sits on the floor beside my bed so if my parents were to walk in unexpectedly she wouldn't be seen by first glance.
"You okay?" she asked in a whisper.
I lay my head in my arms, "I feel so bad."
"You're not going to do it agian, are you?" she asked the concern in her voice is overwhelming.
"Taylor, I can't answer that honestly. Nobody understands the kind of release it gives me." I say.
"No, nobody does get it. To be honest with you it's not normal but it is very dangerous." she tried to explain.
"Taylor, you know when you go for a run and it feels like it clears everything off your mind?" I ask and she nods her head, "When I cut my mind instantly clears and I forget about everything else, for awhile."
"Nobody knows how to help you, Lex." her face is so full with concern it almost makes me want to cry, I don't want to be causing this on everyone.
"I. don't. need. help." I said emphasizing each word.
"But you do, Lex!" her voice getting louder.
"I do not!" I yell back.
"Sorry, Alexia! I don't want to lose my best friend!" she yelled so loud her cover was blown.
She started to cry and stormed out my room and out the front door slamming the door behind her. It's official I'm a terrible best friend. My parents came walking into my door and I assume they could tell by the look on my face that I did not want to hear it and they left pretty quickly. Its been such a long day when I start to cry I can't tell if it's because I feel so horrible for disappointing everyone or because I've reaached the point of exhaustion. I let myself fall asleep. I don't wake up until the next morning when Declan's familiar ringtone is going off. I grunt before sliding the phone and answering.
"Hey." I rub my eyes.
"You sound tired." he points out.
"You woke me up." I let him know, hoping he lets me go back sleep.
He laughs, "It's noon."
"Sorry, I had a long day yesterday." I said in a tone that was a bit annoyed.
"Calm down, Lex." he says with a laugh the continues with, "Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine. Look I got to go. I'll see you in a few days."
"Love you." he says.
"I love you too." and we disconnect.
