Why Do Loyal Girls Cry The Most?

DEPRESSION SESSION.

Unedited.

I had this routine, like everyday.
Wake up sad, get ready for school with a sigh, eat half my breakfast, get to school anxious, daydream in classes, go back home tired, homework half done and finally the most consumed one, sitting on the couch with my phone and investigating through Facebook.

I didn't feel like talking to Jay at all. It's like I have nothing much to say to him. Haha, lie. I have like paragraphs after paragraphs to text to him. Endless that is.
I want to tell him that he hurt me.
I want to tell him that he's killing me slowly.
I want to tell him that he has invaded my mind and thoughts.

I want to tell him that everyday is a struggle to participate in real life since I've been spending majority of my time to think and literally put my self in a bad mood.
I want to tell him that I don't feel like myself anymore.
I want to tell him that he's the biggest idiot.
I want to tell him that I know he's playing me.

I want to tell him that I know about Thandi freaken Jacobs.
I want to tell him that my heart is broken into pieces and he's the glue to stick them all back together.
I want to tell him he has officially wrecked me.
I want to tell him that I'm broken inside. Broken all because of him. And only him.

Its like I've been pouring so much of myself to someone who isn't really aware of it. Invested so much into this relationship. This relationship comes in two... and I'm the only one contributing and giving my all. I have giving every fibre in me. All for one person. Who is not appreciating it. When will all this be worth it? Will it have a silver lining at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel is light. Light? All I've been in is darkness. Hopelessly trying to save myself out. Apparently only God can save me. Only him. He'll guide me.

I did this damage to myself and I know it. I wish it was that easy to fall out of love. All I'm doing is falling to the ground instead of his love lifting me up and so that  I can spread wings and fly. Crazy analogy I know. I wouldn't take anything back. I don't regret meeting him. I simply regret being attached to the highest level of attachment. I wish I could recieve the same love back. It's unfair here, feeling all this way and nothing in return from him emotionally. It's mentally draining, all of this.

I yearn for his presence daily. I want to express this to him physically. I don't like the idea doing it over  the phone. I don't think he'll ever get the chance for me to explain it, I don't think I'll see him again. There, I said it. It's not that it's impossible, I just have the feeling inside of me. It told me so. Lol, just kidding. But I do have a feeling I won't see him anyways. I feel like he doesn't deserve my presence. He'll take advantage over it. Just like the way he's taking advantage over my feelings towards him.
I've prayed after crying at night, asking God to elimate this pain in my chest. To make me forget about him.

Speaking of the devel, I just received a call... crap....

"Sup"

I thought for a minute. To either ignore his ass or to reply. I took the second option.

I sighed while rolling my eyes .... "Hi"

"How you doing?"

Seriously? How I'm doing? He has no idea what I'm going through, a living hell.

"Good and you?" I sounded to dull, like not putting effort.

"I'm cool, so why don't you greet me or even talk to me?"

Because you've shattered my heart into pieces. I'm crying everyday and you are responsible.

"I don't know...." I lie.

"Like seriously gee"

"Who's Thandi Jacobs?" I bite my lip.

"Wh.. what?" He stutters.

"Who is she Jay..." it's more like a statement then a question.

"I told you before that she's my close friend... why?"

"So she was the one on your display picture the other day?"

I know he's probably going to deny it.

"Yeah.."  he said.

I thought wrong.

"And... your status, you said something about her being the one you've found or something" I speak almost like a whisper. I have no energy whatsoever.

"What status?" He says.

Are you kidding  me now?

"I'm not repeating myself, you heard me loud and clear Jay..." I say almost shouting.

There was long pause.

"Uhm.. hello?" I say.

He answered quick "I don't remember.."

I take a deep breath. I need it. "For real now?"

"You know what? Leave it. I'm not going to play dumb with you. You know exactly what you did. She's not close friend of yours okay. Don't play games with me, I'm the wrong to play it with. I know  you cheating on me it's so clear. You don't have to hide it anymore... I'm done. Have a nice life. I wish you nothing but happiness. Congratulations, I've finally walked away from you. Now you can have your time with her..."

I take in a deep breath after my long speech. I don't care if I don't hear a response from him anymore. I'm disgusted.

"So you breaking up with me?" He asks.

"As you can see, yeah I am. I'm tired of this" I say almost wanting to break down infront of him.

"You give up every time we fight" he states.

I act as if he never spoke and interrup him.

"You can find a way to kill your feelings for me, I will too."

If. If he has got feelings...

I continue... "Bury them infact...yeah R.I.P to my feelings for you. It's officially dead. Uhm yeah.. so whatever"

I hang up.

I drop phone down and it falls somewhere. At this point I don't care if I don't find it. But I do. I switch my phone off and head to my room to visit my friend, pain. I lay on my bed and immediately begin to create myself a pool of tears. Again.

What you think? Please comment.
@wendaelegit