Why Do Loyal Girls Cry The Most?

I BROKE MY OWN HEART.

Unedited.

5 months later...

I feel refilled again, refreshed somehow. I don't know if it's a good thing cause usually it never lasts.

Having no contact with him is really frustrating. I usually forget that I no longer have anything to do with him on my phone and search for his name to text him... text him what?
What can I possibly to him?
Thank you for destroying me? Huh?

I've been a very foolish girl thinking about it all again. I can't lie to you and say that I don't think bout him at all...
They say if you still think bout him then you not over him..  yeah something like that conflicts me.
But I don't care what they say, I'm slowing picking up lost pieces from this whole act of breaking me.
I'm a little bit better these days.  Maybe, wait i don't know.

I could go on bout how foolish I've been through it all. I never thought I'd be here anyways, like surviving it. Wow, I'm proud of myself.  How lame? I know
Talking bout how much I've cried is actually really boring but at the same time very interesting. I mean to cry more than to smile is alot of tears shed.

I've cried tremendously that it has no meaning anymore. I also refuse to go back and point out things he's done and how I'm progressing. I don't need to and I won't because being in such pain changes a person. Like, I'm not the same. It's like him hurting me molded me into this wise, strong person. Yes I said strong. I did survive didn't I? In a very strange way though. I could have easily killed myself or torture myself or anything that's related to those people who check into rehab or therapy or something. I did it and I'm right here...

Looking back at this, I've grown so much. Love isn't always about how happy you can become with that person forever, it's also about their mistakes that reinvent your mind into thinking otherwise, but also staying with them because you rather be with them then with someone else. That's how I see it.  Again, I was foolish. Thinking meeting someone for only one time will lead to enternal happiness. I guess I was afraid of losing the feeling of being wanted, well being thought I was wanted by someone.

But it's also hard. Painting every guy with the same brush. Thinking they'll all hurt me. That's the other thing. I could easily move on but I reject almost every other guy. But I know I won't entirely move on. Jay has left a scar on my heart so bad I don't even know if it's temporarily or permanently. 

I figured that through all of this, I got too excited about being in love and the whoke feeling that I went ahead on other levels that he hasn't reached yet. My love for him took flight very fast. Instantly I became attached. Guys don't hold into a girl like that right? One day thing. I guess I was deaf to hear it and blind to see that there were signs and I ignored them all because blame it on love.

My love for him was still there. I wanna get rid of it but it's that strong. He missed out on something special, I know for a fact that no one can love him more than I can. I know it. He's my first love, sadly, I was his second choice, clearly. 

Oh, and remember when I said that I deleted his number and stuff? Well I still got it. Hold on! I only had it from previous months when he used to text me crap "I miss you"  and stuff. So till then I couldn't deleted. Only because I'm a horder and that I have a little bit of hope left in me plus I'm crazy.

I do hope one day that he'll look back in his life and say "I missed a good chance". But of course that won't happen. He's happy now without me in his life. I bet he faked it all. The loving, texting, everything. I wouldn't be surprised. Hey look at me, I'm already broken and it obviously seems like I allowed my heart to be broken.

I want him to know that although my feelings for him are  bipolar I somehow will always still find a way to love him even though he damaged me. Because that's what true love is really like. We made memories that lasted a day. I remember all of it, each part. Because that's what true love is really like.

I want him to know I gave up a lot just to make precious time for him. I'd give up everything in a second if it means to make things work out better. I wastrd months of my life that I can't ever have back because you consumed me. You will forever have a place in my heart and if one day things don't go your way or u feel fallen off, you can come back home to my heart.

For all the times I said I loved u. I meant everything. I only just hoped you felt the same way or even of you did? You see, you didn't express much of your feelings towards me so it's hard to believe if you really cared about me. But it's okay, even if you don't love as I am  just know there will always be one girl in this universe that will love you this much.

Thank you for ripping most of my soul away. It made me who I am today. I don't regret anything no matter how painful it was or still is. You left a huge wound inside my heart I'm proud of it because it means that I survived something that was slowly going to end my life. I fought. But you didn't notice. You didn't notice majority of everything I was going through. I didn't want you to feel bad and feel sorry for me or act in a way to make everything better by making fake promises. I don't need your sympathy all I ever needed was you physically and your love. I somehow feel deep down, you and I were on the same page. But u drifted off and left me behind. You lacked trust in me so you played my heart. A heart that can never stop loving you. I don't wish you a dark path in your future but I hope you remember me by the means of I'll always care about you.

Obviously you can't break a writters heart and think ink/words won't spill. I had to let it all out . And Wattpad was the perfect platform. This is based on a true story but obviously I changed the names of my characters for protection. I changed some parts of the true story as well. This is my version of my journey.

One last final note:
Because of the pain you caused me you made me a strong person today. I'm fearless and more wiser when it comes to the heart. I've recovered some of the damages you've caused me but I'm not fully healed. I used my internal scars to share this and it has been very therapeutic. I'm not going to go on about what has changed after I fully moved on from you but just know that I'm on a newer and higher level of pure happiness. My heart is slowly healing.  My biggest mistake wasn't fallen for you, it was thinking if you've fallen for me too Jay. But it's a pity, you left pure gold for a rock.

The end.

Thank you soooo much to everyone who took their time to read this, means alot to me. Sorry for the delay was going through things but I'm glad I've reached the end of this!!😃😃😃 I never thought this book would be read as mucg but it makes me so honored and worth while to write it.  Thank you again for being on this journey with me it means  soo much to my soul!💗💗💗 Love you guys!

@wendaelegit

Farewell, stay loyal and live life to the fullest.  Don't let pain overcome you, overcome it. 💕