Why Do Loyal Girls Cry The Most?

WHAT NOW?

Unedited.

I went through this three day depression thingie. Third Depression I called it. Haha. It wasn't really depression. But I was on some other level and it was not happiness either. Just sadness I guess.

Day one was the day after I broke up with his ass over the phone. I felt guilty. Like, why the freak do I feel that way? Do I feel sorry for being rude? Was I dilutional? Maybe yes. I feel angry. Anger rushing over me everytime I play out the moment when I broke up with him. Did I actually do that? And why is it that I always do the 'breaking up with you' part? Yeah, I've broken up will him a few times about stupid things.

Let me tell you about them...

It wasn't always such a huge breakup , just a tiny one to remind him of what he has. To let him know that I'm the real deal. It's always useless anyways, I fall back to him eventually. I always feel bad and feel like I might have done a mistake. So I end up talking to him again after promising myself that I won't ever. He should be the one apologizing because I ended things since he's the cause, but no, I end up being a fool I am by wronging out stuff I've said during break ups. He apologizes second. Saying its was also his fault.

This is always the case. I've realised that it had been an endless cycle. What the actual freak. It's like he's hypnotized me or something because I can't seem to see things normally. I do and say stupid things, all for love. Lol, things you do for love really.
I spent the entire day thinking about our past little usless breakups.
I don't want to end up back with him eventually. But lately my mind and heart are on different zones. So I doubt it. I spent the last few moments of the day thinking about how my life would be if I didn't have him in my life. I smiled, knowing that things wouldn't change, but I would be less broken inside.

************
Day two was spent in school. I dont know, but I seemed to be asking alot of question. Discussion being held over one main subject....

Jay

That's all we ever talked about. I asked things like....

How do you move on?
How do you forget about him?
Should I get back with him?
Is it normal to love someone after a breakup?

Those are just a few of 43 questions.

Yeah I really needed answers. But most of the answers I got was irrelevant. They made no sense whatsoever. It's like what I'm going through is foreign to these people. It's just a simple breakup!

I couldn't concentrate in class anyways. Nothing new. I've failed to gain back concentration after the day I met Jay. Aaggh, why did I say his stupid name. Gives me chills down my spine. Maybe another name will make me feel better...
How bout...

Idiot?

Yeah Idiot it is.

I feel better already, I can just feel it.

Idiot flipped my world upside down, in and out, left to right and in all possible directions. Idiot invaded my sense of peace in my life. I dont know if he was meant to be in my life to ruin it. That's all he has been doing recently. Don't get me wrong, there are times where he warms my heart and brings me inner joy. That's the Jay I love. I mean Idiot. But he's no where to be found. Instead the sweet side of Idiot is replaced with this heartless evil HEARTBREAKER instead.

I poked at my food several times during dinner. I sign showing that I have no appetite whatsoever. I've barely eaten these days.
Idiot has consumed me. He's like this disease that spreads inside of me shutting all my organs down except my heart, it's shattered and ripped but still working. It has a little hope at least. It's only still working because it hasn't given up. Trusting that the external force being a cure (him) will travel inside and stop it for once and for all. Haha crazy analogy I know.

Crazy is my second name anyways...

I dragged myself into bed listening to sad music. I have no idea how I ended up doing that. I regret it, I'm now making a pool of tears. Sad and lonely tears. Tears for other random people. The ones who are inlove and still together and keeping their love strong. Tears of doubt that I'll never find that. Tears of why I always do this. Always crying for a specific human being who I terrible love who always have no idea that these salty tears are a for him and only him.

********

Day three was today.

I spent most of my time sitting at home watching movies. I know I was torturing myself but I really wanted to watch romantic movies. I watched a few but only one movie caught me... it was called...

If Only

Lol how ironic the title could be.
It's about a man who dreamed about his girlfriend dying in a car crash. It wasn't just a dream either, he had a chance to relive the day again, but this time he was trying to do all the right things. At the end of the day, someone had to die. It was bound to happen. The car crash happened but thos time the guy protection his girl from being hit so instead he gets badly hurt resulting to his death. So basically the guy sacrificed his own life for his girl. I mean, do we get guys like that in this world? If so, where do you find them? He took his own life because he knew he couldn't stand going through life without her. That idea right there had my eyes balling full with tears. It's absolutely beautiful. He dies, yes, but he died for her, he died for love, for real love.

The movie repeated several times on t.v.
I had no interest to watch it whatsoever. It only makes me sad. I wish he watched it. I wish he could see how love can conquer things. Haha, that would only be a dream. I don't think he has real emotions like I do. I mean, he wouldn't cry just for that. He'll see it as being pathetic really.

I haven't spoke to you know who for quite some time now. I think he finlly gets the hint that I really did break up with him.

It's like he knew exactly what I was thinking because I just received a missed call..from...

Idiot.

My phone was switched to silent mode on purpose because I was upset with almost everything. I thought about recalling him but I decided against it. During our relationship or whatever it is called, I've called him the most. It's like I'm the one doing the most in this. Its draining bur I can't seem to stop. Untill now. I'm not weak like I used to be. I can control my feelings a little bit, I'm still getting there. I know I'll get there somehow somewhere.

I keep telling myself that he's my first love. I see no one else after him. It's scary. I'm no where close to being ready for marriage. I have no idea how I came to this feeling. It's scary and loving at the same damn time. I've turned down a couple of guys for him. Some how I knew that I didn't need them because he was the only thing I could see. My first and my last. The only guy I see myself with. It's a paradise and it's a war zone. There is always a constant battle between my heart and my brain. My heart ends up winning but the brain never gives up. I guess that is why I make stupid decisions when it comes to him. But I can't help it. The heart manipulates me at times. Like I said before, the heart wants what it wants. The brain does not stand aa chance. It's a losing battle.

@wendaelegit

@wendaelegit

@wendaelegit

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