Why Do Loyal Girls Cry The Most?

TO THINK OTHERWISE.

Unedited.

I recently started to understand the term "sidechick". I don't fully understand it but I do have an idea...

Here's one of my crazy analogies ...

I think it's a guy who has a main course meal (his actual girlfriend) but he eventually takes advantage over the food by not finishing it and then jumping onto the next food. He then obtains a side dish (side chick) to add to his dinner. He takes his time with the side dish and eats it but he's still aware of his main course at first. He ends up rather eating the side dish after deciding that it's more delicious. Forgetting all about the main course he first got.

Similarly to my case, I think I was his main course meal at first, but he lost interest. So he ordered a side dish... later the side dish started becoming his main course meal eventually and completely forgets about his first main course. So he chuncks the first main course aside and replaces it with a side dish that turrned into a super main course. So I'm the side dish to his dinner now. What's different is that the super main course meal is way more delicious than me. I'm just chuncked to the side. The sidechick.

There's many ways and forms a sidechick can appear. Mine is more like I'm becoming a second choice meal. But it's as if I taste sour and the super main course meal is more sweeter. As if I lost all the sugars in me. Lost all the good stuff.

********

I want to forget about him. I've tried to that multiple times. I fail, I mean how can you fully forget about someone who gave you so much to remember? I question myself like, why do I have to go through all of this? Am I being punished? Funny how I think about this but in a heart beat my mood changes when he pops up on my screen. There's a little part of me that feels warm and excited when he suddenly wants to talk to me. But I instantly remember that he's being playing witg my emotions so I quickly ease back into the angry mode.

I've discovered that I've become very clingy and jealous over all. Jealous of the way he's happy without me. Jealous that there's another girl companying him. Jealous that his heart isn't filled with my love, but for someone else. Jealous that he's not hurting. Jealous of the rain that falls down his skin, knowing how much I'd love to touch him. Jealous that he's okay without me. Jealous of the way he isn't hit with misery. Jealous of the nights that I don't spend with him. Jealous of the love that used to be here but now gone for someone else to share. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous.

Even if our hearts go separate ways, I still know he's mine. I don't care if he's with her. I deeply love him. It's not the same kind of love like before but it's still love. I didn't want our love to burn out. I didn't choose for it to be like this. I just simply want all of him. I want him to tell me everyday that he loves me. I want to see him smile, to say my name. I want him to brag about me saying "Yeap, that's her" while pointing at me when people ask of me. Too good to be true. Maybe this can all happen in another world where everything is perfect.

I wonder what he feels about me right now. Had he noticed the changes of my moods towards him? Is he aware of the fact that I can easily read things off from his Facebook? Does he care if I find out? Did he intentionally do that to let me see all of that?
**************

It seems like pain and regret are my new best friends. Everything I do leads up to them. Always. I'd lie if I told I didn't know why... it was so obvious.
We've been playing that 'ignoring each other' game. I'm also aware that it can easily turn into 'never seeing you again' real quick. That's what ignoring each other leads to.
I know for a fact that he's dying to talk to me. I mean, he's been uploading things on social media to get my attention. I'm not going to give in too easily either. He needs to earn my attention this time.

I wanted to do different things now. I wanted to focus on something else for once. I don't want to.think about him is what I'm saying. It only brings down my mood.

I tried interacting more with people around me and observing my surroundings. I even started telling myself that "he's probably with her, so forget him" which sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes. Ok, no. I'm lying. It doesn't. Exactly my point, I keep reminding myself of certain things only to make myself feel worse. Typical me.

I tried focussing on my academics more, it needs the attention.
I tried putting my all in after school sport activities. I tried bonding more with my annoying brothers. Haha, that immediately failed. We never get along anyways.
I tried spending time with my parents when they return from work. I even started having multiple conversations with my aunt. One main subject: stupid boys. How they disturb our brain and phuck it all up. Our chats were always endless..
When I lie on my bed I reflect on the things I tried to do.
Noticing the word "try" alot? Well obviously that's because I didn't try enough. Jay has consumed every part of me, whether I'd like to admit it or not. He was inevitable.

Well guess my plan of doing different things failed. I hope you happy Jay!!
Well of course he is, he's with the other girl. Seriously hating my subconscious right now, like you have no idea...

_____________________________
The Same Night:

*her phone vibrates*

*BUZZ...BUZZZZ....BUZZZZZZ...BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

Time: 21:43

*she receives one new message*
*she wines but wakes up to check her phone*

Jay: Wendy..?

*she sighs*
*she goes into a mini panic attack*
*she thinks about whether to reply or not*

....

*6 min later, she's still thinking whether to reply or not*

....

*15 min has passed*
*she reads the message again*
...

*she rereads it 4 times*
*she decides to switch her phone off and sleep*
....

*25min later*

*PHONE RINGS*

On the caller: Jay