I'm trying o.k?

The Final Chapter (19)

Phil's pov:

I had stayed in a hotel for two nights now and hadn't even started looking for a new place. Chris and Pj offered for me to stay with them again but that would be too temporary and I wanted to be alone since I couldn't control my emotions at all. When I woke up I would find myself crying from dreams I had already forgotten and throughout the day I would zone out from the world and catch myself thinking about Dan Howell.

This will get easier. It's only been two days.

The more time I left it the better it would get and I couldn't really judge life without Dan on two days of being apart. Eventually I would have to get the rest of my stuff from the apartment because I didn't have the money to replace it, or to stay in this hotel for much longer.

Everything about the hotel was bland, admittedly it was mature but I wasn't used to that, our apartment had shelves full of films and posters on the walls as well as black lamp shades - of which Dan insisted. I need to stop thinking about him. Everything I thought about lead back to him.

I looked around the hotel again. This place was was o.k but it really could do with more nature... in the form of houseplants.

--------

Dan's pov:

The apartment was a mess, empty vodka bottles were left next to the bin or on the kitchen side and open ones were in my room or the table of the living room as well as energy drink bottles and the occasional shot glass. Every now and then I would have some toast or cereal so that I wasn't drinking on an empty stomach. I ordered food and vodka to the house online now so I didn't have to leave the apartment but I would soon need a new way of paying for it all since I had no income. It was difficult to do anything productive when I was still contemplating how long I would be around for.

Phil's room was untouched since the day he left and I had shut the door so I didn't have to see any of his things. Whatever I had found of his around the apartment went in the junk cupboard in the lounge and slowly I was erasing all evidence of him. It wasn't like before when I would sleep in his room whilst he was away so I could smell his cologne on the sheets and wake up to see his possessions in the room.

I think I'll have to do it. There aren't many other options.

Normal people wouldn't have to do this everyday, decide whether or not they would rather die than wake up and go to work or rather die than wake up at all. Normally people just got on with it and everything was o.k for them because it wasn't a big deal. I felt as though everyday I lived I was just prolonging it, avoiding it, but I never really chose to live I just chose not to die at that specific time. Maybe I wouldn't set a date, I could accept it as inevitable fate and when the moment came I wouldn't fight it. I would just give in and it would be no big deal. It was funny how death was both easier and more preferable to life.

--------

Phil's pov:

It had taken me hours of pacing and straightening my hair before I convinced myself to go to our apartment to get my stuff. The time was later now than I had hoped and I thought that maybe I should go early in the morning whilst Dan was sleeping but I'd rather he knew so that it was more final. I needed to say goodbye and get it over with, no discussing things that happened or what will happen. All it was, was a bad break-up and me moving out, like any failed relationship without the depression or self-destructiveness - I couldn't think about any of that because as a friend I still wanted to help him but it wouldn't help me.

--------

Dan's pov:

The alcohol had died down momentarily as I hadn't moved from my bed in a while, as if in reflex I reached to my bedside table and pulled the blade from the draw. I cut deep into my wrists as I didn't need to avoid my arms with Phil gone. The blood ran scarlet onto the bed sheets and I inhaled sharply as I tried lifting my wounded limb. When I tried to get up my head span and I had to clutch onto the door frame as I staggered out of the room.