I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 6

Dan's pov:

Getting drunk was still my best way to escape everything, nothing seemed to work and it was getting harder to face things sober. Phil was always around and I couldn't be near him when I just wanted to kiss him all the time, I kept zoning out whilst staring at him. His skin was perfectly pale and eyes were beautifully blue. This is not how I should feel towards a friend. Not when he was straight and had never even hinted he might like guys. No, Phil was straight.

I stayed in my room more to avoid him. Browsing tumblr and sleeping of my hangover was my main time waster. Occasionally I would go to the kitchen and bring food back to my room to convince Phil I was eating, he got to worried at the coffee shop so I needed him to think I was eating. My collar bones stood out more and I could feel my spine, I wore baggy hoodies to hide how thin I was getting whenever I had to venture outside of my room.

The clock next to my bed said 7:00, time to pretend I was getting food.

Phil was standing in the kitchen making a Chinese stir fry, he turned to me when he heard the kettle click. I took out two mugs from the cupboard and continued making coffee for both of us.

"I made us stir fry." Phil beamed as he stirred his creation.

God that smells amazing. Phil was a good cook and his stir fry was incredible.

"O.k." I nodded, this would be the first meal in a while and as amazing as it smelt it made me feel a bit nauseous.

Phil handed me a bowl and I thanked him before heading to me room.

"Dan, where are you going? I thought we could eat together today and watch an anime or something."

"Er yeah o.k." There was no ditching the food if Phil was in the same room but I had to keep this act up.

We sat down and Phil put My Neighbor Totoro on. I loved this film. The bowl was balanced on my lap and I twirled my fork round and round the bowl, I saw Phil looking at me and I realized I hadn't started eating yet. I took a mouthful and smiled at him, this seemed to keep him happy for a while.

The food hit the bottom of my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick. I realized I would have to hold it down whilst I was in the same room as Phil. Every mouthful was more difficult and I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't remember eating being this difficult. I felt so self-conscious eating in front of another human being, my hand would constantly be covering my mouth whenever I took another bite.

The film continued as I stood up and went into the kitchen, grabbing Phil's empty bowl as I went. Phil was so fixed on the film he didn't notice and I scrapped the rest of my food into the bin as silently as possible. After clearing up the plates I sat back down with Phil, avoiding eye contact with him, avoiding looking at him in general because it made me miserable to know I could never be with him. As soon as the film was over I hurried to my bedroom and got ready to shower.

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Phil's pov:

I was happy Dan had eaten with me, it was nice sit with him and watch a movie since I hadn't been around him much. He was constantly in his room and always avoided me. This was torture since I had admitted to myself I liked him, I wasn't ready to say I was gay but there was definitely something about Dan.

As soon as the movie had ended Dan left, he didn't say anything just stood up and walked out. He had cleared the plates and sat till the end. Occasionally I'd try to chat with him but the conversation would fade out and he would never look at me.

When I walked into the kitchen to grab some cookies before putting another movie on, I put the wrapper in the bin and saw stir fry in the bin. I had eaten all of mine so this could only be Dan's. I frowned as I realized I needed a new tactic since sitting with him for dinner clearly wasn't enough. I needed to keep an eye on him without him feeling like I was pressuring him. He wasn't aware I knew the hoodies were to hide how much weight he'd lost.