I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 10

Dan's pov:

We had been dating for two weeks, Phil chatted with me and tried to make sure I ate when he did. I was happy and I hoped he was too. I had made a YouTube video and once or twice P.J and Chris had come round, I was pretty sure Phil had made asked them to since I never socialized. They didn't talk about my weight loss or the jumpers either, that must have been pre-planned too.

Everyone was being so cautious around me and I felt sick. I felt like if they had to go through life always treading on egg shells they would never learn how to live. If Phil was going to be with me he would always be careful and avoid saying things he thought would hurt me. We never argued unless he decided I had to hear the truth about something.

Phil would be happier if I wasn't here.

I internally groaned at my own thoughts because it was true yet I had avoided thinking about it for so long. Whenever the thoughts crossed my head I pushed them away and tried to focus on the present rather than the long term. But why stop thinking about it if the it was obviously going to happen, Phil would stop living, stop leaving the house and looking after me all the time. Phil would get hurt or get bored.

I have to do something.

It was almost 3am and Phil had fallen asleep against me. For once we were in my room as I had a small t.v in here which we had watched Donnie Darko. When it ended Phil had curled against me and we quietly chatted before he fell asleep, now I was left awake thinking about how to save Phil from me. I let my hand drop off the bed and felt it hit something cold. Vodka.

Since I had walked into Phil's room and he had tearfully said he loved me I hadn't drank but right now I couldn't care. I was going to hurt him anyway so I might as well drink if I felt like it. We would probably break up anyway. I have to make him hate me.

The vodka flowed down my throat and stung my lips where I had bitten them. My head spun and I laughed to myself as I felt all my tension float away. When my limbs began to feel numb I screwed the little red cap on the bottle and put it down next to my bed before falling back next to Phil and staring up at the ceiling thinking about him. I couldn't bare to look at him when I knew I would have to hurt him to stop him from getting hurt worse. Eventually I blacked out and all my thoughts stopped.

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I woke up when Phil walked back into my room with two mugs of coffee, I remembered last night and took a sip of coffee to mask the smell of alcohol on my breath, just like I used to. 

"You were asleep so I got you coffee, what do you want to do today, are you up for going out?"

"I'm actually really tired, I kind of want to stay in bed."

His face dropped and for a moment I felt guilty before remembering it was all for the best, it would help him in the long run. I still felt awful about it but I couldn't dwell on it.

"Maybe you could go out with Chris or Pj?"

"Yeah... maybe." He was sat next to me drinking coffee and I when we were both done he took the coffee mugs back into the kitchen. The caffeine may have lifted me a bit but my hangover was kicking in and I was soon fast asleep again.

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Phil's pov:

Dan had fallen asleep when I went back into his room and I didn't want to wake him up again, instead I found my phone on his bedside table and left. I should have brought him breakfast instead of coffee but I was hoping he would eat by himself now, it had been two weeks. Even if he didn't I wasn't going to give up of him, I wanted to be with him forever.