I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 2

A/N If you didn't read the description then you should know there is some mention of self harm (fairly graphic).

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Phil's pov:

Dan seemed distant. It wasn't a big deal but I noticed it occasionally, every time he zoned out, or this look washed over his face like he was in pain or just angry. It was almost a grimace, as if some thought was running over in his head, something that clearly upset him. But what?

We had been watching films all day and I was staring at Dan next to me, trying to figure out what went on in his head. Sometimes when he looked so far away I just wanted to hug him and bring him back, make everything better. He was my best friend after all, I felt closer to him than anyone. I mean literally. I had never had a friend I felt this close to.

Dan closed the lid of his laptop and and moved it onto the floor. He stretched his arms above his head, there was that look again, then he dropped his arms back to his side. He made an awkward laugh when he saw I was looking at him "I'm too out of shape for stretches."

I smiled back despite disagreeing that Dan was out of shape. "Where are you going?" I asked when he stood up.

"Shower" he mumbled as he left.

I glanced at my phone. It was only 9 o'clock.

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Dan's pov:

I know Phil was confused as to why I was showering at 9. It didn't matter, I would probably go back to the lounge after I showered. I just needed space.

Today was long. Not that I had done anything, it's just that I had felt shit all day. I felt as though I had been drained of all my emotions and whenever I looked at Phil I became painfully aware of the hollowness inside my chest. As I walked into my room I felt myself become angry.

Why the hell do I feel like this? Fuck. Literally nothing has happened all day. Fuck Dan you're so shit. Why can't you just cope with life like a normal person?

I angrily grabbed my towel and fresh pajamas before heading into the bathroom. I hastily locked the door and turned on the shower. My t.shirt pulled on my arms as I took it off and I winced, then remembering that I was alone, I cursed.

I took of the rest of my clothes and stepped into the shower. The cupboard outside the shower was low enough to reach the top yet high enough that you couldn't see. My hand swept over the top and my fingers made contact with the thin metal object I had conveniently placed there.

After bringing my arm back in, I closed the shower door and backed into the cubicle. As I moved back I felt the water hit the pre-existing cuts on my arms and thighs and clenched my jaw at the pain. I looked down at my body. Pink and white scars scattered my skin, and on top were fresh, angry red scars. Thankfully I had avoided my wrists so that I could wear short sleeves provided they covered the top of my arms. This meant I could still make videos and hang around Phil without a suspicious wardrobe change.

My left arm had healed significantly over the last few days meaning I could target it and the old ones probably wouldn't open up too badly. This would mean holding the sharpener blade in right hand which wouldn't be as forceful yet still painful.

I scraped the blade across my arm and felt the sharpness of it, I pushed deeper and the blood started trickling, the warm water pushed it further down and dripped off my finger tips.

Sighing to myself I continued to abuse my own skin and began feeling faint. You should have eaten lunch then. No, eating wasn't going to help me. I would gain weight, become healthy. I would stop feeling the pain of neglect in my stomach that had grown to comfort me.

Quickly I washed my hair and tried not to scream as some of the shampoo ran into my wounds. I turned of the shower and ran the sink full of cold water. Dabbing my body with the towel, I dried of and then followed with my hair. Once the sink was full I dipped a cupped hand in the water and cleaned my wounds of any soap.

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Phil's pov:

Dan slumped back onto the sofa with hobbit hair and fresh pj's. "Hey" he said, focusing on the t.v.

"Hey" I was editing a video whilst going through our radio show plan but I had looked up when he entered. It was weird but I always liked to see his face when he walked into a room, so that I knew what mood he was in. Right now he was distant again, but more agitated than before, he would constantly twitch when the t.v made a loud or sudden sound. He twitched again when I turned to face him.

"Are you o.k? You seem... I don't know, irritated."

"Yeah, I'm fine." He flashed another awkward smile. Maybe I was imagining things. He perked up unexpectedly and asked if I wanted to play Mario with him.

"Of  course!" I practically threw the laptop off of me and lunged for the controller. Dan's probably fine.