I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 16

Dan's pov:

Ring... ring... ring...

"Hey it's Phil, sorry I haven't picked up but leave a message and I'll get back to you."

"Goddammit Phil!" I had rang him three times and he wouldn't pick up or answer any of my texts. I sighed as I new this was all my fault. "Just tell me you're safe o.k. I know I've fucked up and I don't know what to say right now but we can talk when you're back if you want. Please just let me know you're o.k. I'm sorry."

I hung up the phone and slumped onto the sofa, dragged my hands down my face and stood up again. There was no way I could just sit around when everything collapsing around me. What else could I do? Maybe I should look for Phil but if I didn't want to make a public scene if I did find him.

Maybe Chris would know something?

Ring... ring... ring

"Hello?"

"Chris! Hi. Err have you seen Phil, or heard from him? I don't know... anything?"

"Dan stop speaking so fast. What's wrong?"

"Errr it's Phil, after the party we had an argument and he left. It was like three in the morning Chris I thought he would come back and I must have fallen asleep after a few hours of waiting but it's the morning now and he's not here. He hasn't answered calls or texts. I thought maybe he was with you."

"Sorry Dan but he's not here. I haven't seen him since you left the party, you were both laughing and kissing. What could have happened that was this bad when you got home?"

"It's kind of a difficult one to talk about. Anyway since you haven't seen Phil I should probably go look for him or something."

"D-" I had hung up before Chris could say anything else. My voice had sounded way to panicky on the phone and and my hands wouldn't stop shaking.

A tear rolled down my face and I realized I had started crying. Stop it Dan. Another tear fell. Stop it! This isn't about you anymore you're being selfish. Stop fucking crying!

I angrily pushed the tears from my skin and shut my eyes tightly out of frustration. Through my own stupidity I had gotten into this, the self-harm as well as hurting Phil and him leaving in the middle of the night. It was all my fault and I didn't know how to fix this.

The wall was rough as my spine slid down it and my ass landed on the floor. I threw my head forward and let it crash onto my my knees that I had pulled up against me chest with my arms wrapped around them. The tears continued to fall aggressively from my eyes and I kept trying to close them tight enough to stop it.

"Fucking hell Dan you're a mess." I told myself and continuously mumbled to my self until my breathing returned to normal and my face no longer felt like I had been caught out in torrential rain.

I cruelly laughed to myself as I ran my hand over my thigh. "Such a fucking mess."

"Dan?" Phil was standing above me and when I looked up at him he sunk down opposite me in the hallway and stuck his legs out so the were either side of mine. He looked concerned. "Dan I came here to be angry with you, I'm so fed up of all of this. I hate that you lied straight to my face, before and after you tried to kill yourself-"

I flinched at the words 'kill yourself' but understood why Phil wasn't being overly sensitive right now, he wasn't looking at me either.

"I hate that we've lived together for so long and you still don't talk to me. At that party you acted absolutely fine as if nothing was happening and that's how you act around me. As if it's not important for you to tell me, like you don't even know I care. Or like you don't care. Most of all I hate that when I'm angry at you I can't leave you alone in the apartment for too long without worrying you'll do something stupid. I can't have any space and I knew from the start that this wouldn't be an easy relationship and I know it would be better as friends but I love you and that just makes it worse."