The Treasure Chest

Rant: Dear Parents #3

I wrote this on my message board, but I'll be posting it again here to spread it more.

*WARNING* A lot of cussing.

Second person POV parts are directed towards my parents. Long, very "passionate" rant, half-letter, half drunk blabbering. Don't read it if you don't want to and don't try to tell me that parents are just joking because those are some bullshit jokes. A joke's not a joke if it makes someone want to die. Then it becomes a murder weapon.

*Not proofread. Like, at all. Written completely with rage, so expect horrible mistakes. (Like my life *laughs dryly*)* 

How the hell do parents expect their children to believe in themselves? We're told every single fucking days of our existences that we're horrible at everything and that we'll never amount to everything, and still everybody wants us to be happy and pure and not suicidal? Really? Tell me, how does that work out? Because logic, right?

This is what you do, parents. You destroy your children. Naturally, you're supposed to be the ones we look up to, trust, the ones we need love from. That's nature. So when you make "jokes" about how all of my friends are a gazillion times better at me in every single fucking thing, think about how that makes me feel. I already know that. I don't need you to confirm and over-exaggerate that. Just because I suck at everything doesn't mean you have to shove it in my face. 

Besides, I don't actually suck at EVERYTHING. Most things, yes, but I can occasionally make myself proud. I just don't show anyone the works I am most proud of because of people like you. If I'm proud of something and actually think I did well, I will never show you it, even over my life. You don't know how much it takes for me to actually feel like I am a human being worthy of existing on this planet and taking up space. Letting you read/see/watch it and letting you insult what I've worked on for so long will just kill me anyway. So don't ask to see my work, because no way am I going to show you. Don't try that useless "I want to see what you're working on" or "what's the point if you don't let anyone else see it"crap. I don't create beauty for anyone else. If I ever create something beautiful, it will be for me, so I actually don't give a rat's ass if no one ever sees it because I DO NOT MAKE STUFF FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. Don't automatically assume that I made stuff for your enjoyment. That's bullshit. Most of the time, I create stuff that I mean for you to never lay your judging eyes upon.

And do not ever compare me to my friends. That's fucking stupid and it ruins beautiful friendships. I get it, okay? Don't you think I've already realized that I'm the useless screw-up of every group I'm in? Don't you think I already realize that my friends are to be pitied because they have to deal with my shit all the time? Don't you think I already realize that she can eat spicy food and I can't, that she can play instruments and I can't, that he's taller than me, that she can write better than I can, that she's prettier than I am, that she arts while I scribble? Well, in case you couldn't tell with your blind eyes, I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW.

I want to surround myself with these people, though, because I appreciate and love their talents without judging them against myself. Sure, they make me feel so much smaller, but these people are still my friends and I love them because they're so amazing. I don't know why they made the mistake of being friends with me, but they did and you do not know how fragile that link is so please do not remind them that they are surrounding themselves with the wrong people because I do not want to lose them. They might not leave me because they're stubborn and would like to stay in hell, but when I'm reminded that I'm a burden, I distance myself. If they won't let go of me, I'll help by letting go of them, as much as that hurts. Better to hurt myself than to hurt them out of selfishness.

You don't know how much judging me against my friends affects things. I can't help it, but the second you compare us, I will forever be comparing us. The friendship becomes a competition, an infinite effort for me to prove to myself that I am the best or even good at something. That's why I take so many goddamned stupid risks, that's why I'm always about to die. Because of you and your fucking insensitive and senseless comparisons. 

How can parents not see that they're the reason for all this insanity? How do they blame the children but never look at themselves? They're killing us and putting our fingerprints on the blade. This is such bullshit and I am calling out all parents who do this right now.

It's not a joke. Don't ever put your children down so much they want to fucking die at thirteen years of age.

Thank you.

Sweetly and sincerely,

~ElaineKane

Geezus. I already wrote the rant and almost cried and I'm still so fcking pissed. Wayyy too much bottled up too long. Good news, it's Wednesday. Bad news, I really want to die on what should be my favorite day of the week. 

So yeah, just a message to parents because I'm not kidding, those "jokes" kill. You guys never see the effects of your stupid "oh it's my child, I can pick on him/her, that's okay". Bs.