Give Your Heart A Break

Chapter Nineteen

HARRY P.O.V

I poured half a cup of my cup of tea down the sink and turned the tap on the wash down the evidence. Everything tasted like crap.

Nothing has been going my way lately.  I want to just fall on the floor and curl up until all is right in my world again. Part of my soul is black. Gone. I am not functioning because there is only half of me available to live, to feel, to do…anything. I have felt empty before. I have felt alone before. The fame did that to me, not being able to decipher the difference between a true friend and a fake one who is only in it for the fame, not being able to fully trust anybody and feeling like the world is against you. I was only half a person when I met Payton, but she made me whole again. Now that she is gone I have felt lonelier than ever. Louis even bought me a dog, as if that could replace Payton and fulfil that void but all that Pearl, the name of my new pug, does is sits next to me on the couch, almost wanting to help, but all she can do is wag her tail and look at me with her big brown eyes. I never knew I could grow such an attachment to someone I hardly knew for long, but I have and it hurts. It hurts loving someone you can't be with. Sometimes I questioned myself thinking maybe she did all this as a sort of game because she secretly still despised me but I know that's not the truth. I knew there was a massive possibility that she felt for me like I felt for her. Love. But then that makes me think why did she end this? I mean surely a bad article about herself wouldn't make her switch her feelings off for me like that and give up? I mean if the tables were turned I wouldn't give up on us over something so juvenile, which makes me wonder what else it was. What the hell happened? What did I do? Why was she so instantly distant?

I can only pray for these answers to come one day, until then my mind will replay her words and the events over and over repetitively like a needle hitting the centre of an old vinyl record, hitting the inner label with nowhere to go.

 A big part of me is yelling at me telling me to stop being such a sook, get over it. Man up and move on. Yes I have gone through breakups before, nasty ones at that, but this time my resilience is gone, my ability to persevere is diminished.

My mother has been worried. Coming to check on me, informing me that the pain will pass, she would rub my back and tell me that tears cleanse the soul. But I found no truth in that, the tears to me cut like razors. They cut into my cheeks like a razor slicing into my face. Perhaps I have done more damage in my life than I could have possibly imagined and I am now paying for those broken hearts.

God, I understand there are millions in worse situations. People losing loved ones, people who can not feed their families, people who are facing life or death and I sit here whining about a relationship gone bad. What the fuck is my deal?

I walked out of the kitchen and pressed play on the remote and waited until my movie started. Watching 'Love Actually' might not be the best choice of movie to watch right now, because it will only appear as though I am intentionally wallowing in my misery. But in reality I need to establish some form of an idea of 'love', as fictional as it may be, like the movie says "love actually is all around."

Just not around me, my love left.

PAYTON P.O.V

Dear Diary,

Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching. It has only been one week since I left him. I know like I seem like an over dramatic lovesick teenager, known a guy for a couple of months and suddenly my world revolves around him. I always laughed at stupid girls like that, I always promised myself I would never be one of them, but now I am in this position I suddenly realise how naive I have been. Who was I to judge them over a feeling I had not yet felt? Who was I to say they were being stupid and they had no idea what love was, when I did not know either? Truth is no one can truly understand your pain. Not even if they have experienced something similar because even the word 'similar' does not mean 'the same'. No one can truly understand your feelings you have for someone, they cannot understand how it feels to have those feelings and know you cannot act upon them. They weren't there in your head and heart through your internal struggles. But I was. I remember everything I ever felt towards him. The hatred, the bitterness, the times I wanted to scream in his face and run away. I remember my constant pull to him, to not be able to hide behind my walls, I remember the laughter and the smiles I never seemed to be able to wipe off my face with him. I mean of course I remember everything, it's not like this happened years ago. My point is I remember how he made me feel and I can't say that about many people. Lately I have been numb, numb to everyone and everything around me. They didn't make me FEEL anything. But he did, from day one, and that's why I feel like I won't be able to shake this feeling easily. From day one I knew I wouldn't be able to shake him because of the way he looked at me, because he looked at ME. Not the facade I put up, my walls didn't even really put up a fight with him. He had me from the start, but sometimes life has a cruel sense of humour, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible. It was because of my feelings for him that I had to let him go. I couldn't hurt the one person that made me see the world differently, no matter how much I wanted to see that world with him. Maybe I was in love. I don't know, I have seemed to check all the boxes. But what is the point of being in love whom you cannot be with? The thing is yes it is pointless but you have no choice. You have no option. Thats why I believe Im in love, because I can't seem to switch my feelings off like I used to. The feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. And now the feeling of enormous pain that is more then anything imaginable. It cannot be cured by medicine, or treated by anything but time. It is not a physical pain that can be described, but something deep inside. Breathing gets hard, eating becomes tasteless, and love, well, what is love anymore. You forget. Yet you remember, remember how to love, and who you love - which makes it hurt so bad. Feelings are feelings, and you love who you love. Heartbreaks occur most when you love someone you are not suppose to. And that's what I am. In love and heartbroken.

I closed my diary and placed it back in its home under my mattress before laying back down on my bed and releasing a big breath. I was glad I had the dorm to myself this saturday morning, Keira had informed me early this morning that she was going shopping with a few of the girls in her class, she invited me but frankly sitting alone in my dark dorm sounded way more appealing. 

The sunlight rays struggling to coming through my closed curtains seemed me mocking me, teasing me that everyone and everything was having a much brighter day. I groaned and pulled my covers over my head. Was this going to get easier? Last night as I tossed and turned I came to the realisation that I was in love with Harry. I didn't know what to feel about this realisation. I have never been in love with anybody, sure at school I had little crushes and boyfriends but those things were just childish relationships. Whenever the relationship ended I could quite easily get along with my life and move on. It never really affected my happiness, I never relied on anybody for my happiness, until now. But once I had a taste of being in love it consumed me. I would count down the minutes until he would knock on my dorm door, I would sit there and watch my phone waiting for him to reply, how a smile of his would brighten my day a little more. Harry pulled my out of the darkness that was slowly consuming me since Melissa's death, and for that I fell in love with him. I was irrevocably in love with him before I even knew my heart was capable of loving again. Leaving Harry in his flat, with the look of complete pain in his eyes shattered something in me that hadn't been broken before. So the only word I can describe for how I feel about my realisation about my love for Harry is hopelessness. Hopelessness because my feelings for him no longer mattered. We were over.

After about another hour of laying in bed feeling sorry for myself I finally decided to get up and have a shower in hope of relieving  the steady ache inside of me. But the shower didn't help, nor did doing my hair nicely and putting on make-up. Nothing seemed to dull or hide the pain going on in my chest. It was infinite. It was times like these I wish I had my sister. She had such a way with words, if you ever needed advice or a shoulder to cry on she was the person to go to. I think it may of been through her experiences of pain that she gathered a sort of understanding of everyone else's and was able to say the words that would help create a form of epiphany in your head so that you could begin to heal yourself from whatever pain you are currently going through. But I didn't have my sister, I would never have her to rub my back and tell me everything would be fine, I didn't have her here to tell me her stupid jokes just so I would laugh. She was gone and she wasn't coming back. It made me wonder if this is the feeling she felt every single day. A feeling of utter hopelessness and all-consuming pain, if it was I could understand why she did what she did, not that I approve, but I understand. 

I wished I was able to just go home and climb up the stairs to my familiar childhood room and put my earphones in and block out the world for a while. Not having to worry about my parents disturbing me because they knew better. But I couldn't, I was halfway across the world. A new wave of pain came over me as I became homesick. I got up and walked over to my bedside table where my phone sat on charge and dialled in a familiar number.

"Payton honey, is everything okay?" my mum's shrill voice came through the speaker, slightly groggy from sleep. I mentally face palmed myself for not remembering the time differences.

"Mum, everything is fine. Sorry for calling so late, or early. I don't know. I just am feeling a little homesick s'all. Give me a call when your awake." I replied, ready to hang up on the call.

"No Pay, it's fine. We can talk. I've missed you so much. The house feels very empty without you here." she said, I could here her closing a door behind as she most likely tip-toed out of the room to not wake my father. My throat started to constrict. I missed her too.

"Mum. I want to come home."

Okay I know this chapter was extremely dramatic and depressing, but I wanted you all to really know how the two of them are feeling, I also wanted to make sure everyone knew how heartbreak truely feels if you have not yet experienced it, so because of that I spent alot of time trying to explain the feeling. Its also quite dramatic because I just finished reading Wuthering Heights again for the 100th time haha! Anyways, the next chapter events will actually take place so it wont be so boring ! So let me know what you think. Do you think Payton will really go home back to Australia? And also I wanted to thank you all so much for reaching the goal reads rather quickly!! You are all amazing!