Illegal Love~ Newtmas

I jumped

Chapter 20
Newts pov
I found myself sitting on the railing of a bridge about to fall to my death. Thomas had turned around. He walked away from me when I needed him. He never loved me. It was all a lie.

I'm stupid for believing a word he said. Believing that he would choose me over his dad and Malia.

My mind is just messed up, it's just one big mental illness.

I have monophobia (fear of being alone) but also philophobia (fear of love) and cherophobia (fear of being happy because I know something bad will happen) and they all just screwed with my mind.

I was scared of loving Thomas and being happy because I knew eventually he would get bored of me and I would be broken; but I was also scared to be without him because I feared being alone.

My whole relationship with Thomas was all my phobias and mental illnesses battling against each other; and they have all won.

I no longer wanted to live, no one cared about me, they just lied and called me names and tore me down until I was nothing, so I would finish the job off for them and disappear- forever.

I never wrote a suicide note, I doubt anyone would notice I was gone. Maybe they would never find my body and I really would just be a nobody.

I couldn't wait any longer to go up to heaven and see the only two people who ever cared about me. Theresa will be so old now, I can't wait to see her. And my dad, I hope he'll recognize me.

On the count of three. 1...2...

"NEWT DONT!" The voice startles me causing me to loose my balance and I almost fall but I catch myself.

"Please just leave. This is what I want. This is what you want. This is what everyone wants!" I scream.

"Newt your wrong. This is not what I want, I never wanted this! I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't fix what you did to me Gally!" Yes it was Gally standing here pleading for me not to jump; but my mind was already set. There was nothing left for me on earth, it was time for me to join my dad and Theresa.

"Sorry doesn't fix the restless nights, the scarred skin, the broken boy I have become! Have you ever heard this saying: if you grab a plate and throw it on the ground it will break. You can say sorry to it a million times, you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same as it was before. I have already been shattered Gally and I can never be fixed." Tears are streaming down my face. I hope that those words will sink into Gally's head the next time he decides to treat someone else like he treats everyone now. It may be too late for me, but it's not to late for everybody else.

"I know that sorry doesn't fix it and I know that my words don't mean anything; but imagine I am Thomas here pleading for you not to jump. I don't care all those jokes I said about you and Thomas, he loves you Newt any person with eyes can see that. He was never once as happy with Ethan as he is with you. Please newt don't do this, not for me, for Thomas."

"Oh Tommy, tell him I loved him, tell him he made me happier then I ever been, but that my plate was already broken and that it's too late for me. Tell him goodbye.n"

And then

I jumped

And immediately regretted it.

I thought that I couldn't survive,

I had pushed myself over the edge,

And I

Had jumped.

Cold, dark emptiness swallowed me whole.

I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel, but as I fell, it became clear,

There was always a light,
I was just to scared to open my eyes.

There were people that loved me.

A future,

A whole lifetime I disposed like garbage.

Memories of Thomas flooded my mind,

"Thomas loved me"

I want to go back!

Take me to the top of that bridge and convince me not to jump,

Please Tommy, please.

People can taunt me, hurt me, hit me and tease me, if I can only go back.

But it was too late.

For I had already jumped.

Then, I saw the light,

It just wasn't the one someone so young was suppose to see.

A/N first of all I'm sorry. Second of all don't kill me. Third of all comment how that made you feel and what you think is next.