Under The Mistletoe - An Austin Mahone Love/Imagine Story

Feel This - Chapter 23

Once again, I apologize for updating extremely late. Things have been weird for me but I'm back at it!



Songs Inspired: Feel This (Love Fall Down) by Enation, The Quiet Things That No One Knows by Brand New


ENJOYYYYY

Austin's P.O.V.


The question that was never meant to be asked had been done so anyways. It was that exact question that I feared so much for the moment it would be said that I would have to explain myself for my actions. It pierced my heart every time it was repeated in my mind. And it's been on replay for what seems like hours. To her, however, it's probably been a mere five minutes.



It seems like time has frozen though. Neither of us have moved a muscle but our lungs, our breaths is the only sound that lingers amoungst quiet room. We've just been sitting here looking deeply into each other's eyes, sharing emotions of all sorts and opposites. I simply make up my mind. Although I would have like to have some time to actually think about what I could say and get rid of the horrible hospital dress that the nurses force me to wear, it's better late than never, right?



I smiled sweetly and took her hand in mine, rubbing the back of hers with my thumb. "Umm.. It's quite difficult to explain, actually.. Erm.."



She pressed her lips into a thin line. "Well, try the best you can," she said in a soft voice. "For me?"



She smiled a smile I never realized how much I missed until just now. Her eyes are glossy and are turning slightly red. How can I resist that?



The moment of truth has finally arrived. The one moment where I feel as if I'm most vulnerable. I'm going to have to be as real as I've ever been and hopefully, this is a one time deal.



"I started thinking after I left Ryan's.. I never thought that it would turn out like any of this, ya know? All I felt after leaving was regret, guilt, fear.. I was thinking that I was getting better, running away from you and everyone else, that all I needed was some time to clear my head. But it made things worse. When I met Daniel, he made me realize that I was going in way over my head with everything. I thought that I was screwed up to the point where I can never forgive myself of this, or of anything, it seems. I lost numerous nights of sleep because I would be having the same nightmare over and over and over. I couldn't stand losing you, even in an imaginary world like a dream. But it was so real... You kept dying and dying right in front of me and no matter how many times I tried to do something different, it was never enough."



"I recalled my mom saying how accurate dreams can relate to our real lives. Nightmares are able to tell more about ourselves than just an ordinary dreams. She also told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same damn thing over and over again until you can do it with your eyes blindfolded, but you expect a different outcome. It made me realize that I kept trying to do the same thing over and over but nothing was changing. For some reason, no other solution came to mind. I knew what I had to do. If there was any chance that we would end up getting married together, I didn't want to be the person that I am.. I didn't want to be this.. monster to our children and to you. There was this man that looked really similar to your dad on the plane. He verbally abused me and I made a vow to never become someone like him ever again. The only way I could think of to accomplish that was to kill myself. So, that's what I did.. or tried to do, I guess."



I couldn't bare to see the look on her face, so I stared at the wall. All that I had been feeling was out in the open. She now undersands I did what I did and probably doesn't ever want to see me again. I'm the same person that I was and I highly doubt anything is going to change with me. She'll never want to see me ever again. I wouldn't blame her if she walked out right now and got on a flight to go back home.



"Austin?" I took everything I had not to meet her eyes. But she placed her hand on my cheek and made me look. And what I saw was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. "I don't even know where to begin.."



"I understand, darling, if you hate me. I still hate myself and I wouldn't blame you if you-"



I was cut off when a pair of lips suddenly met my own. My body was filled with a feeling that I knew all too well, it felt right. Before I was able to comprehend anything else, my lips became free and the warmth was still lingering on my lips.



[Y/N] cupped my face in her hands. Her eyes were glossy and a single tear fell off her cheek. "Austin, I could never hate you in a million years. I've been with you since the beginning and I'll be with you 'til the end. No matter how much you mess up, no matter how much you hate yourself, I will always love you. There isn't a single soul in the world that cares about you more than I do. Sure, we've had a rough past and we've said some not-so-nice things to each other, but that'a what happens in life. I will always be your corner, Austin. No force in the universe can stop me from loving you."



One by one, numerous tears fell off my face. How do I even begin to comprehend her words? She'a literally the kindest human being on the face of the earth. After all that I've done, all that I've said, she still loves me. Even after I said all those harsh things to her, after I ran away and-oh my god.



My eyes suddenly widened. Shit... I completely forgot about that. How can I forget about something that massive? Okay sure. To some people, it may not be a big deal to them. And it wasn't that important to me at the time, but now... things are different. Wave after wave of guilt swept over me. I closed my eyes due to the overwhelming amount of this horrid feeling.



There's always going to be those times where you want to avoid saying or doing something as much as you possible can. However inevitable it may seem to be, there's always that little bit of hope that you cling on to that it's not going to happen, that your stomach isn't going to devour itself and it's entire surroundings. You won't feel that pain and ache that cuts so deep into your heart that it not only leaves a horrid scar there, but long after it's healed, you still feel that pain. It's similar to the feeling that you get when you're completely and utterly in love with someone. You are able to be with them and call them your's, but you know you two just can't be. You fear that if you let the opportunity slip, then you'll feel regret and it cuts even deeper than the feeling you had before. At that moment of time, you wonder, is regret greater than heartbreak? If you take the opportunity, chances are you'll get your heart crushed and stepped on. If I were in the position, I would rather take the chance than bombard myself with the "What Ifs" and the "Might Have Beens"... So now, I have to ask myself a similar question: Do I tell her now and be honest, regardless of how much my gut is telling me otherwise? Or do I not say anything, but have the fear of it coming back to bite me in the ass later on?



Well... There's only one way to find out how all this is going to turn out...



"There's something that you... don't know.. I don't necessarily know how you're going to react to it, and that's what scares me the most.."



She held my hands in her's and brought them up to her cheek. "Boo, whatever it is, just know what I said is the truth. I could never hate you. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll understand."



I'm not so sure about that.. I intertwined our fingers, looked her in the eyes, and took a deep breathe. "I..."



Her eyes were filled with worry and concern. Maybe I shouldn't... "I love you."



A smile that wrinkled her eyes and stretched from sea to shingling sea was painted on her face. She leaned in and planted a soft, sweet kiss on my lips. She pulled back, but only to bring our foreheads together. She looked deeply into my eyes and said,"I love you, too."



I smiled. If only she knew what I was about to say...