#visible

Failing Body, Growing Mind

When I was 16, I left college after two days. My legs were failing to walk up the stairs and my body exhausted after only a few hours.

I am writing this because I feel it is important to pass on the information and things I have learnt as my body began to fail and the plans I had made for my future disappeared.

Because I am not alone.

There are hundreds of thousands of young teenagers who are sick and feel as though their life is over. I know this because for a very long time I was one of them.

After I left college, I still hadn't given up on the future I wanted, so I decided to study from home.

For many young teenagers, ill or not, home-schooling is a very real concept.

What I wish I had known then- not to push myself.

Just because my college told me I had to do 3 A levels, did not mean that I had to do 3 at home. I wish I had taken my time, done 2 and then another if I felt like it. When you are no longer in the system, time doesn't matter! An extra year or two studying at your own pace, not getting stressed and therefore more ill- it's not the end of the world.

What I wish I had known then- Choose subjects that you actually find fascinating.

Just because my college was more academic, didn't mean that I had to be the same in my home. I love astronomy, cooking, crafts, history and writing and biology all of which are the subject courses that you can take online. Study the things you love. Why not?

But I didn't get this. After one year, the stress of studying Law, Philosophy and English Language pulled me under and my illness flared, leaving me bed bound for many months.

Looking back now, I am saddened by what happened next- For over two years I gave up. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.  Studying for a future I could no longer have didn't become a priority. I fell out of love with reading and didn't pick up a pen to write anymore. My life revolved around hospitals, tests, more tests, gentle exercise, physio and resting. I couldn't- and still can't- leave the house without help.

What I wish I had known- there is a future out there for everyone. Yes it sucks that it isn't what you had originally dreamed of but there are other things that can make you happy.

I originally wanted to study Disaster Management and work with the Army alongside charities, managing aid after a big disaster. Being flown all around the world into dangerous and stressful situations just isn't an option for me anymore.

I don't know what I want to do with my life now and that's ok. Writer? Perhaps, though I don't think its for me. Charity manager? Publisher? Editor? There aren't many career choices for people who can't commit to being able to arrive at certain times and who can't stand or sit in the same place for more than 10 minutes without passing out either. But I know that one day, something will just click and that will be that.

What I wish I had known- That it is ok to be afraid and to grieve for the future that will never happen.

If you don't, it will eat you. I spent many days and nights being angry that this was all happening to me and that the career and life I had dreamed of would only just be that- a dream. Once I realised that it was normal and ok to be feeling like that, I could begin to move on.

What I wish I had known- the internet is more than cat videos and weird trivia- I know right, I was surprised too! 

Utilise it. This is the stage I reached when I turned 18. I started writing again but I needed motivation. Not having a deadline I knew I would never finish what I had started. When I found Wattpad, I knew I had found my writing home. The motivation, human interaction and surrounding myself with people who wanted to reach the same goal was what I needed. So I began to write on an evening, when my mind is most awake. One chapter a week was all I could manage, my mind and body just too tired to let me do any more.