Exchanging Feelings (Phan)

6. Reasons

Warnings: Angst (nothing that will make you cry though)

After that crazy night we had on my birthday, things changed, and I only got more confused about Dan. I started to hang out more with him and his friends, that eventually became my friends as well. I'd stay up all night talking to Hayley, she really was amazing, and Jason was a very nice guy too. After 2 weeks, smoking became something I had to do every day. I liked it though. Sometimes we'd skip lessons and talk about anything, and at night I'd go to Dan's bedroom and we'd play Halo for hours. Even though we did many things together, sometimes, Dan acted all weird, just like he did when we weren't friends. Sometimes he'd be distant, lost in his own thoughts, and even if I tried and talked to him, he wouldn't focus on what I was saying. I guessed it was normal, because after all we're not in our best mood every day, and he wasn't /rude/, he was just different, cold.

Everything was fine for 2 weeks. We all decided it would be better if we forgot everything that we did on my birthday. I had never been happier, because now I had friends. I managed to get Dan's friendship, which was something that scared me. He was that kind of people who you want to impress - for some reason, I just wanted Dan to like me. I secretly admired him.

He was the guy I wanted to be. He had friends, his family was great, he was loved, he was attractive. Even though I tried to convince myself to forget about that little party, I couldn't. I had kissed Dan, and I couldn't remember it. It was my first kiss, and I didn't get the chance to actually enjoy it. I tried to imagine how it was: How did I even do it? I didn't know how to kiss. What was Dan's taste? Was he a good kisser? How would I know, if I had nothing to compare? How did we kiss? Was it a passionate kiss, or just a 'I'm-on-drugs kiss'? Did it mean anything, when we did it? What was I thinking? What did we do when we stopped kissing?

I had no answer to these questions. I hated myself for doing drugs. I just wanted to remember kissing Dan, I wanted to remember that feeling. I wasn't sure how I felt, knowing that my first kiss was with a boy - It didn't matter, did it? I remembered how the guys from school called me a faggot, just for wearing different clothes and having a different style. What would they say if they found out about this? They'd kill me.

I also wondered if Dan was thinking the same - probably not. It wasn't his first kiss, why would it matter? He kissed Jason, why would I be different? I wasn't. I was ugly, I would never manage to make anyone have feelings for me, not in that way.

~~

It was a normal day, so I was just doing everything we always did. Wake up, brush teeth, have a breakfast whilst Dan takes a shower, then take a shower myself, leave for school. Dan and I always met in the bathroom and brushed our teeth together.

"Morning, Dan" I said, entering the bathroom. He always said 'morning', but that day, he didn't. He just kept brushing his teeth and looking down at the sink. His eyes were black like he hadn't got any sleep that night. He was also doing the same movement for much longer than he needed. He had his natural curly hair, which was something he couldn't accept. I touched his shoulder softly and asked "Dan are you okay?".

He jumped like he wasn't aware of my presence. "Yeah, I am" he answered

"Sorry did I scare you?" I asked worried. He finished brushing his teeth.

"Nope. You can take a shower first" he said, then left the bathroom.

Dan continued acting more weird than usual that day. Everyone seemed to follow him though. My host parents were cold, with sad looks. When we met our friends, they were quiet. I quickly realized something had happened. People weren't normal. It couldn't be just me.