Exchanging Feelings (Phan)

4. 30th January (PART ONE)

A/N :: hey guys sorry this has a lot of errors! >< i used some wrong words  and some people yelled at me and i fixed some already. i was REALLY tired when i wrote it as you know i have a big exam on friday. 

*Time skip*

I closed my eyes and felt the hot water on my back. I took a deep breath defore dragging the razor against my own skin. This would be a big one. I felt the blood leaking down my body, as my arm was against my stomach and the side of my leg. The blood quickly found its way to the shower drain, and I stopped, but still holding the razor inside my flesh.

After 1 or 3 seconds I got it out, throwing the razor on the floor. I staunched the cut with my spare hand. It felt so good, cutting again. In brazil, it was hard to hide my cuts, so after some time I stopped doing it. I couldn't stand people saying "Why are you wearing a jumper? It's fucking 35 degrees out there!". It was really annoying since all I could think was *Because I have 10 cuts in each arm. Wanna see that?*, but all I could say was "I don't know, I'm feeling cold."

But, I could do that in England. I could wear my jumpers without getting any weird question. I could cut if I wanted. No one would see.

It was January 30th. My birthday. I had been living with my host family for 1 and a half week or so.

None of them knew it was my birthday, and I didn't want to bother, so I didn't say anything. It was a Thursday night. My parents didn't call or text me.

I was trying my best to be friends with my host brother, Dan. But it wasn't working. Dan was a nice guy, if I started talking, he would answer. But he didn't invite me to hang out with his friends, not even in school. I had made two friends, one of them, Emily. She was a nerd, and didn't have any friends like me. I could see the other girls bullied her, but she was really confident. So, I would talk to her and my other /friend/, Zack - who was 15. He was 1 year younger than me, but I didn't care. He was really nice. Even though I liked them both, I still felt so alone. They had friends from other schools, so they didn't invite me to hang out either. At least, I could sit with them at lunch, and socialize for 20 minutes while we ate.

Everyday, I tried to start a conversation with Dan. But he wouldn't keep going, he would just answer whatever it was that I asked, or comment about something that I said, and then he would stare at his computer or cellphone, avoiding eye contact, or any kind of conversation.

I still had my eyes closed, and for at least 5 minutes I stood there in the shower, feeling the hot water. I was in another universe. My body was there, but my mind was somewhere else.

Until someone knocked at the door. I fell hard in reality.

"Phil? Are you okay in there?"

I looked down and saw the cut I was holding. It wasn't /so/ deep so it quickly stopped bleeding. I'm not sure how long it actually took to stop, but it stopped whilst I was daydreaming.

"Yeah Dan, why?" - I answered. It was probably the first time, that Dan was talking to me, even if he was outside the bathroom.

"Because you've been there for 30 minutes!"

"Do you need to use the bathroom or something? I'm done already, hang on 2 minutes!"

"No, it's okay, I was just worried."

I heard him walking to his room and relaxed again. I quickly got out of the shower and put some clothes on, not caring about the cut.

I lay in my bed, my door was open because Dan's was closed. So it wasn't like he would see me there. I buried my head into the pillow, and a second later, I started crying.

I wasn't even sure why I was crying. I just was.

I wasn't actually sobbing, just crying, quietly.

"Phil? Are you okay?" - Dan said. I couldn't see him, but I was pretty sure he was standing on the door gap, staring at me.