30 Days to Love

Day 23: Making Sense

Shauna sits at the kitchen table, studying for her philosophy final. The exam is tomorrow and she's rather engrossed by the topic: Eros, or romantic love. According to Lao Tzu, "Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses." For the first time, philosophy makes sense.

Shauna's phone buzzes with a text. It's from James. "Can you meet me at the park?"

She writes back, "Sure, I can be there in about 20 minutes."

"Thanks."

Shauna wonders what James will say as she packs up her books. Her heart is racing, hoping he's willing to keep trying. Through it all, she knows they have something special. She's not ready to let him go. But she may not have a choice in the matter. She looks in the mirror. She feels like she's aged about 20 years in the past three weeks. Okay, that might be an exaggeration but she definitely feels like she's grown, and she's not sure she likes what she's become.

She stays in her pair of ripped up jeans and natty chucks. She's not feeling worthy of much else. There's no use pretending things are bright and sunny. This is who she is at this moment. And it seems like appropriate break-up attire. Who wants to break up looking sexy? Certainly not her. She wants to be able to crumble into her car afterward. It's hard enough to look good when you're happy.

The park is quiet today. Probably because the air is cool and it's a Tuesday. She finds James in the same spot where he took photos of her. He's sitting on a bench. One camera around his neck.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi."

She sits down next to him.

"I missed you yesterday," she says.

He runs his hands through his hair.

"Shauna." James's voice cracks and sounds serious.

"James, what's wrong?"

"Shauna, I'm sorry." James looks like he's holding back tears.

He takes a deep breath. "I tried to get back together with Kate last night."

Shauna stiffens as she feels like she could throw up. She knew they might break up over what she had done. But she never thought he would try to get back together with his ex. She moves further down the bench, feeling betrayed, yet knowing she may not have the right to feel that way. All she knows right now is that her heart hurts. All of this sucks.

Softly, she asks, "What do you mean, you tried getting back together with your ex-girlfriend last night?"

"I don't know. Things have been so up and down with you and me. I missed the steadiness of my relationship with Katie. It's been hard to suddenly have her and her family gone, out of my life. We had mutual friends and most have sided with her and won't speak to me. I just felt like maybe it would be better to go back to what I've known for the past five years."

Shauna suddenly feels very alone. "So are you getting back together with her?"

"No, she doesn't want to."

"If she would have been open to it, you would have?"

"Shauna, I care about you so much. My mind's all messed up. What I do know is that I don't want to lose you." He reaches out to touch her. She lets him take her hand.

He holds her hand so hard. Shauna just stares at their hands, feeling numb.

"James?"

"Yes."

"I don't want to make you messed up anymore."

James takes a deep breath in. "Don't go. You're all that matters."

"You know it's better this way." She stands up, let's his hand slip out of hers, as the day turns into Magic Hour. The sun casts a glow on the two grappling with how to deal with all of the forces that are pulling them apart when all they want to do is be together.

Shauna forces herself to not look back at James. She has a hard time breathing as she wills herself to her car. The sun is blinding her. She opens her door and sits down. She puts her arms on the steering wheel and has a good cry.

James watches as Shauna leaves him. He can't believe this is how it ends. He wants to go after her and take her in his arms and never let her go. But have they hurt each other too much for that to ever be possible?