30 Days to Love

Day 10: What Is Truth?

Shauna's philosophy professor passes back the graded exams to the students. There's mixed reactions from her classmates - some look happy with the results and others look downright discouraged. Shauna readies herself for a poor grade - a foreign concept for her. She wonders if the professor will allow any extra credit. As her professor approaches her desk, she feels her heart rate quicken. With a stony face, he places Shauna's graded exam on her desk. She takes a second before she opens it.

Like ripping off a Band-Aid, Shauna whips open the composition book. In big red marker, she sees an "A-". An A-? Shauna is shocked. She had no idea she could sound knowledgeable about any philosophical principal. Huh.

She flips through her exam and finds a note from her professor. "Great work in trying to understand the question 'What Is Truth'? You write that you are confused as if it's a bad thing. Recognizing your confusion and making attempts at understanding it is a philosophical pursuit. Friedrich Nietzsche once said, 'On the mountains of truth, you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.'"

Shauna breathes a sigh of relief. The revelation that she was able to excel in the depths of despair over a topic is a major boost to her confidence. Insurmountable problems don't seem so insurmountable anymore. She might even start enjoying philosophy. Ha!

Back home, Shauna opens up her closet. She pushes aside her clothes and finds her oversized leather-bound portfolio. She stares at it for a few minutes, unsure if she's ready to open it. The last time she looked at the contents was the day her mother told her about her father's affair with her mother's best friend. That was a pretty shitty day. She hasn't had the desire to look at this portfolio since then, but the good grade in philosophy is prompting her to face her demons. In this case, her father is the demon.

He wasn't always a demon to her. When she was a little girl, she would join her dad at his drafting table and ask for assignments in order to help him with his current project. He always gave her something to do and patiently explained how it would contribute to his work, even when it was obvious it wouldn't and he was under deadline. She dreamt of being just like him when she grew up.

In the beginning, he would draw an object and ask her to color it for him. As soon as she became proficient at coloring the object, he would ask her to draw it from scratch herself. He taught her the principles of drafting and engineering. Much of it went over her head but a lot of it stuck and has been the foundation for her engineering work. She's grateful for their time together. She can't imagine it will ever go back to where it once was - a loving father/daughter relationship.

Over time, Shauna's knowledge grew and she was eventually offering up ideas that her father would actually incorporate in his work. In turn, he would help her with school assignments. They were becoming a team. When she decided to major in mechanical engineering, her father couldn't have been prouder. She looked forward to all of the projects they would someday do together as partners. That feeling is long gone, at least for her.

Why did he have to ruin it? It's a question she's asked herself over and over. They were the Three Musketeers! They did everything together. They were happy... once.

Shauna hates being angry with her father. She misses him. But she has no clue how to move on from her feelings. She's never been betrayed by someone so close to her. When you love each other, why would you ever cause each other so much pain? It's counterintuitive. She's struggling with how to forgive. Will it ever be possible? She worries the pain of what he did won't ever go away.

Shauna looks around her desk at all of the recent research she's been doing on her own in renewable energy. She's proud of the work but she knows the work would be even better with her father's input. As a first step, she decides it's time to go back over what they had done. Their work helped her land her new job in New York. She needs to continue to focus on it, even though she would love to bury it along with her feelings for her father.

She unzips the portfolio to reveal a stack of engineering drawings. She pulls them out and examines their most recent series of work on wind turbines. There are notes from herself and her father. It's a bittersweet reunion. She's inspired by their work and at the same time revolted by it.

She ignores her feeling of revulsion and takes the drawings to the kitchen table. She sits down and pours over them again. As she digests everything they accomplished, her excitement builds. She has some new ideas she believes can lead to major advances in thermal and airflow design and their work is reinforcing the validity of her new concepts.

She's inspired and totally in her element. Surprisingly, as she digs deeper into the topic she's finding the ability to set aside her personal feelings for her father and appreciate the work they had done. Going forward, she needs to focus on how to build on the foundation they established and set aside any negative association. The work is too promising to ignore.

Margaret opens the front door of the house. She's all dressed up and looks very elegant.

"Hey, you look great. Where have you been? I got back from class and you were gone," Shauna says.

"I had a date."

"You did? With whom? You're glowing."

"I'm sure you can guess. Jeremy."

"Oh, really? Do tell. Have a seat."

Margaret plops down at the dining table and takes her shoes off immediately. "High heels are designed by the devil."

"We're slaves to fashion."

"Fashion can bite me."

"Okay, okay. Back to your dinner with Jeremy. What happened?"

"I took your advice. I called him and he asked me to have dinner with him."

"Where did you go?"

"Some French place that a Top Chef owns."

"Sounds fancy."

"It was. I ate way too much. I knew I shouldn't have had the crème brulee," Margaret rubs her stomach.

"How was Jeremy?"

"He was a total gentleman. We talked for hours. It was all about getting to know each other. No drama. No games. Just him and me. And guess what?"

"What?"

"I really like him. I mean, he's a really good person. He's smart and talented and sweet."

"Sounds almost too good to be true?"

"I don't think so. I think I was so caught up in how I was feeling that I never saw what a normal, great guy he is. And that I'm lucky to have found him and that he loves me so much. He really does. Man. It's kind of surreal. And I can't believe I almost fucked it up. I'm such an idiot."

"You're not an idiot. Your feelings were real. You shouldn't discount them."

Margaret nods, "Well, the past is the past. I can't change it. You're not going to believe this, but I think I'm finally ready to commit."

"You look like you're ready."

"He's putting himself through college. That's why he's working at the diner. He wants to be a physical therapist."

"A solid profession."

"And access to amazing massages the rest of my life." Margaret smiles.

"The rest of your life?"

"Maybe," Margaret smirks.

"Wow, I'm impressed. I'm so happy for you M."

"What about you?" Margaret asks. "What's going on with James?"

"Oh, you know, it's a roller coaster but it's mostly good. We've been taking it slow but we're getting there."

"Good, good. That wine from dinner has gone right to my head. I'm going to go to bed and crack the books."

"You do that. Good night."

Shauna packs up the drawings and returns them to the top of her desk.

She gets ready for bed. She goes to check her phone but decides against it. This was a day for her and her alone.