30 Days to Love

Day 11: Not Ready

James stands in his dark room surrounded by prints of Shauna. He's looking at a close up of her smiling sweetly and her freckles standing out. He reaches up and unclasps it from the drying line. He lays it down on the table, among other photos he's considering for his exhibit. The image evokes a childlike innocence. Next to it is another much larger print of Shauna in the white dress, twirling around in the grass.

He wishes he could rewind to that moment in time. Feel the innocence of their budding relationship before his past came crashing down on them. He'd like to feel the intimacy of photographing her again — continue to uncover the layers she seems to be good at hiding. An image can reveal our true selves, he thinks. And he wants to truly understand her — figure out who she really is. Even the photo that Shauna took of him that day shows a happiness he wasn't sure he was capable of experiencing again.

He traces the outline of Shauna's body in the photograph and wonders if he'll ever be able to feel her soft skin against his or run his fingers through her silky red hair. His body aches to be near her. He wonders if she feels the same about him?

He wishes they could just start over. Wipe the slate clean. He knows it sounds unrealistic. And would she even be open to it?

He's decided to give her some time and space to determine what is best for her. He hopes she chooses them. But he will respect whatever she decides. He wants her to be happy. He sets the images of Shauna aside, out of sight but knowing he wants them featured, and continues to build the theme for his show.

Shauna wakes up feeling positive about her future and more confident than ever about what she wants. She gathers the engineering drawings from her desk and puts them back in her portfolio, glad she forced herself to set aside the anger toward her father and reconsider their work. She's always been good at sidestepping issues but she's seeing now that facing her problems head-on is the only way to get her life back on track.

She jumps in the shower and takes the time to curl her hair and put on make-up. She pulls out a cute sundress and heels. She looks at herself in the mirror for a long time.

Shauna shows up at James's home. She knocks on the door. She shifts slightly from foot to foot, the only evidence that she's nervous. James answers the door, surprised to see her.

"Hi," he says. "Sorry it took me a while to get to the door. I was downstairs going through images for my show. How are you?"

"I'm doing well. I wanted to see you. Do you need help going through your images?"

"Absolutely. Come in." James holds the door open for her, feeling nervous too. "You look great by the way."

"Thank you," Shauna says. She waits for James to show her to his studio.

"Follow me." They fall in step with each other. On the way, Shauna glances at the painting from James's ex. She appreciates its beauty and continues to walk ahead with James, determined not to let it make her jealous and taint her good mood.

"I'm glad you're here," James says. "I've been struggling over the prints for the show."

They enter his studio. The number of prints scattered throughout the room astonishes Shauna. There must be hundreds. "How do you choose which photos to showcase?" she asks.

"That's the problem I'm having. I'm hoping you can help me," he says.

Shauna takes it all in, amazed at his ability to find the emotion in his subjects. Each image tells a unique story. She's drawn in by the subject's circumstance, be it happiness or pain, fear or love.

"James, these images are incredible. You're so talented."

"Thank you."

Shauna continues to evaluate each image. She starts pulling the ones that grab her the most emotionally and then groups them by theme. She takes her time, going over each one closely and with as much introspection as possible. He obviously spent a great deal of time and energy creating these images. She feels compelled to do the same in assessing them.

James watches Shauna make her way through his work. He's never had anyone take this much time or interest in his pieces. It's fascinating to watch her take in each photo. And he suddenly realizes her opinion means a great deal to him.

Eventually, Shauna steps back. "I don't know a lot about photography or how to evaluate creative works so I can only speak to my personal reaction. I've pulled the ones that speak to me and tell what I feel is a complete story. I tried to organize them thematically too."

James sees his work through Shauna's eyes. He wouldn't have chosen many of the images she did, but that's what is most inspiring. She's showing him a new way of looking at his own work. He decides to build on Shauna's suggestions. He adds different images and takes away others. Shauna joins in and they spend time rounding out his show together.

"I want to be your model again," she says. "Will you take some new photos of me?"

James is surprised. "You want to do that now?"

Shauna nods. She remembers the closeness they had when James took photos of her in the park. She wants to have that feeling again.

"Of course. Let me get my camera. It's in my bedroom."

Shauna follows him and climbs on top of his bed. James starts to photograph her. She feels James's gaze through the lens. It feels good. She decides to unbutton her shirt and let it fall off her shoulders. James watches her, letting her take the session where she wants it to go. He continues to take pictures.

Next, Shauna unsnaps her bra. She covers her breasts with her arms. James continues to shoot until Shauna reaches out and pulls James onto the bed. He sets the camera down. Shauna pulls his shirt up and over his head.

James looks into her eyes. "I don't think I'm ready to have sex."

Shauna runs her hands over James's chest. "I know I'm not ready for sex. I just want to feel your body next to mine." She gently pulls him toward her.

They hug each other's naked bodies.