My Allegiant Life-- A Divergent Fanfiction

Chapter 15 Stella

I wake up several hours later. It seems to be close to midnight. Grace is the only one awake, she holds a thumb drive between two of her fingers. Her eyes flick back and forth from the two doors in our dormitory.

Even Lamar is asleep next to me, his face softer than normal. Kinder. Everyone seems to be a happier person when they're asleep. Suddenly, his face contorts, and I'm too shocked to even recognize the emotion in his expression, his shoulders twitch, his legs too, as though he were straining towards something in his dream. I notice his clenched fists, his knuckles are a bright white, standing out against his tanned skin.

I don't know what to do. I know he is suffering through this nightmare and I know I should wake him but I might wake everyone else in the process and the worry is taking over me and making me want to throw up.

Suddenly, he jerks awake, he breathes heavily, careful not to wake anyone else. He runs a hand through his hair, turning towards me. "Stella?" He whispers. "How long have you been up?"

I hesitate before whispering, "Not long," I pause, momentarily. "I thought we agreed we would tell each other when something was bothering us."

"What?" He breathes. "Hold on-- Grace!" He whisper--yells. She turns her head towards us. "Go to sleep, I'll take watch." She hesitates before nodding and standing, starting towards us with the thumb drive in her hand. She presses it to Lamar's palm and returns to her bed, pulling the blankets up over her shoulders. "Stella, what are you talking about?"

"Yesterday," I whisper. "Don't you remember?"

"I remember," he replies. "I mean, what are you intending?"

"You just had a nightmare. It's obvious something's bothering you. Is this the first time or . . ?"

"No," he admits. "This wasn't the first time, but I've only had it once before--"

"Wait-- Was it something from your fear-landscape?"

He inhales deeply. "Yes," he whispers. "It was. But I'd prefer not to discuss this in the middle of the night while we are surrounded by people who crave gossip and feed upon rumors."

"Well, when else are we going to talk about it?" I ask. "We can't talk about it during breakfast, lunch, or dinner, we can't when I'm testing. So when are we supposed to talk about it?"

He sighs. "I don't know," he says. "We'll figure it out."

"Also," I whisper. "I'd like to know why you don't seem to be able to trust them. I mean-- I at least told them my real name. I let them at least know who I really am. Since they are our friends. Why can't you--"

"Because, Stella," his voice is slightly cold. "Right now, when we have much better things to think about, is not the time. And if they find out . . . I already know, they won't be able to look at me the same way. They aren't like you, when I took you through my fear-landscape, I half expected you to treat me like a kicked puppy or something. But you didn't. I don't expect the same from them."

I don't know what to say.

"You can go back to sleep," he tells me. "You haven't slept much lately, and I think sleep will help with the tests."

I take a deep breath and lay down, rolling over so my back is to him. I pull the blankets up over my shoulder, fisting the ends into my hands. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to force myself to sleep.

I doesn't work.

***

I've been tossing and turning for hours, every once in a while reaching over and checking the time on my communication device. The first time, I see 2:30 a.m. Next, 4:20. And, finally, 4:55 before I see Lamar get up and wake Adrian for the next watch, he presses the thumb drive to Adrian's palm and climbs under the blankets with me. He slides his arms around my waist, pulling me towards him until our bodies are pressed up against each other.