Daddy Issues

63 - Leave him

My head is pounding when we pull up to the house. Dan puts his hand on my knee when he parks the car and takes a worried look at me.

'Are you sure you're going to be okay? I feel like I should go with you. This is all my fault.'

'I'll be fine,' I tell him, hoping I sound more confident than I'm feeling. 'She was very clear in that she wanted to talk to me alone.'

'Okay,' Dan sighs reluctantly. 'But are you sure you don't want me to wait here? If things get out of control, I could-'

'No,' I cut him off.

Dan wanted to stay here to drive me home when the conversation's over. And to be able to help if needed. But I don't think it will do the conversation any good if Mom spots him waiting for me in the driveway.

'Just go do your thing, I'll take the bus back home. It's going to be fine.'

Dan gives me a last worried look and a kiss of support before I get out of the car and walk over to the house. When I turn around, I notice that Dan is still watching me and makes no move to drive off yet. I wave him away and wait until he leaves, so Mom isn't confronted with him.

Then I take a very deep breath and ring the bell. It feels like seconds, but somehow also hours until she opens the door. When she does, her face is a mask. And she doesn't say anything. She just walks into the living room, so I follow.

She sits down on the armchair and I sit down on the couch. It feels very strange to be here. I've lived in this house for years, but it feels strangely unfamiliar to me now. I had the same feeling when I first came home from med school. It only ever really felt like a home to me when I was here with Dan.

Mom still doesn't say anything. She just keeps staring at me. It makes me want to scream. Or run away. But I just sit in the silence. Until I can't take it anymore.

'I am really, truly sorry,' I say, immediately catching my own stutter. 'About how everything happened. I know you won't believe me, but... I never wanted to hurt you.'

Mom keeps giving me that eagle stare. I wasn't expecting this, to be honest. I thought she'd be ready to unleash her rage on me, as soon as we were alone. But so far, only her clenched jaw indicates what she's keeping back. When she finally responds, her voice is unnervingly even.

'I think you are a deeply troubled woman, Emma. You have to be, to turn your mother's partner against her, so you can run off with him. A man that's twice your age.'

I swallow. I can feel my body shrinking in on itself, but I can't even make myself sit up straighter.

'That's not what happened,' I mumble futily. She completely ignores me.

'But maybe you were right before. Maybe it's my fault. And your father's. If he had been in our lives... who knows how it would have all turned out? Maybe you and I would have gotten along.'

For a moment, she looks away. She stares into nothing, as if thinking back to him. I know she never likes to do so. For the most part, she's been ignoring that he ever existed since he left. Only bringing him up sometimes in the heat of our arguments.

I've often wondered the same thing. How would it all be if he hadn't left? But we'll never know. I'm not sure what to say, so I don't say anything. In my silence, my mother sighs.

'I want you to tell me everything.'

'What,' I say uncomfortably. 'You mean, about Dan?'

'Yes, about Dan,' she snaps, losing her composure for only the slightest moment. She catches herself, and straightens her spine before she soaks again. 'How did it happen? What did you do?'