DAZED

Chapter 12: How we've come to be

Two weeks passed since my outrage. To be honest, it wasn’t fair, not only to me but also to her. I wouldn’t expect her to just get up and leave the life she knew just because I was hoping for something I thought would happen. She had a life before we crossed paths again and I just couldn’t erase that from her.

I wanted to apologize, yet I couldn’t find the courage to reach out first and I just couldn’t help but immerse myself into work, shocking my subordinates of my sudden efficiency.

Had I been more courageous, I would have run to her, got on my knees, praying that she’ll forgive how I’ve run my mouth without proper thinking. But I didn’t, I was stubborn, waiting on her to approach me first and with each passing day, I felt disappointed, wondering if she’ll ever come and find me.

Reminiscing the old memories, we never really had an argument nor had I raised my voice on her and not even once did she felt anger towards me. It gave me a sigh, that was the first time that I felt angered throughout the years and it was directed to her, someone I cared the most.

“What’s up with you?”, Miriam interrupted my wandering thoughts.

“Hmmm?”, I reacted, brushing away what I thought she meant and continued rummaging into my computer.

“You’ve been sighing all day, it’s so loud I could hear it all the way here”, gesturing to the small empty space between our desk.

“Nothing important to be concerned about”, I lied, convincing myself that it was not something that needs immediate attention and action.

“You know if it is about love thingy. Brandy fancy you a lot. He’s a good man”, she stated, emphasizing with the word ‘love’ and ‘good’. This gave me another sigh, of course he is, a good man that is but I don’t fancy him nor any man in particular or anyone at all, except for one person.

‘One particular person that I love, yes, I love her and none other’

“You know what Miriam, I think I just figured out something really important because of you. Thank you!”, she shrugged confused and continued on her work.

My heart was pounding miles per hour as I stood frozen at the door, unable to comprehend the words I ought to tell her.

The shuffling of the door felt like hours when it finally opened to none other than the person I wanted to see that very moment. My breath hitched and my heart started pounding simply by the sight of her.

The way her disheveled hair was combed at the back of her ear, or her make-up less face looked even more appealing as it doesn't outshine her beautiful eyes and how it twitched a little wider when she realized who she opened her door for.

There was a moment of hesitation, nevertheless, she gulped breathing heavily and quickly pulled me into a tight hug.

I was not expecting her to react that way, I expected her to look at me coldly and cross her hands yet, she didn't. She did the exact opposite, pulling me in with a sudden hug like she longed for it her entire life. It made me guilty while succumbing myself into her chest.

"I'm sorry", I whispered with quivering voice, without so much the ability to grasp of why I was sorry in the first place.

Was I sorry for what I did, or was I sorry in accepting the fact of burdening her into my expectations, which obviously was the biggest mistake I have taken in taking part into this new world of us.

"No, I am, I should be the one who’s sorry", Alexis replied. I could hear small sniffles and cold tears dropping on my thinly clothe shoulder.

I was magnified by her reaction. Not once did she shed so much tears in my presence, it was a first and gave me so much of a realization on how emotionally vulnerable she'd become like somehow, we swapped places. I stayed quiet for a while, letting the tears run down her reddening cheeks.

"I think aging made you swivel three-sixty into a crybaby"

She laughed on my shoulders. Her sniffles dying down.

"Yeah, I think so too", she agreed, her voice soft and her breath warm on my ears.

Though, she seemed not to believe on her statement. It made me think suddenly of how I, just a nobody made someone such as her, whom a majority would describe as cold as ice, cry so defenselessly and grasp my body into her cocoon like I wasn't just anybody.

We sat at her living room in a comfortable silence after pouring every emotion that we thought should be felt openly and heard by the other person.

Our arms were nearly touching when we finally calmed ourselves down into a glass of wine while watching the light of day disappear and be replaced by the darkness of the night.  It was as though everything went by so fast that I felt myself feeling happy that such occurrence happened so we would be here sitting in silence, indulging ourselves with a bottle of wine.

"I went out of the country for a research five years ago, after a week of breaking our relationship off", she trailed, her words slowly coming into forms, out from her drying tongue.

I looked at her with nothing but the intention of hearing her out. It had always made me curious what prompted her to end the relationship, yet, going into details or asking about it before she could be ready to do so herself wasn't sitting right with me and so I waited. I waited for that moment.

"To be honest, I ran away from you. That time, I was just thinking about it when the opportunity came, but looking at you made me feel like clamping down so I accepted the offer as a mere reason to get away", she chugged her glass and poured another. I was puzzled, not knowing the answers of whys in my mind. I couldn’t see myself on her perspective.

Her look changed, to that of disgust and disbelief and back again with her soft drooping eyes. All of which flashed within a time frame of sixty seconds.

"Because I realized that I was starting to love you in a way that I didn’t want to lose you and I’ve come to see you in my future. If I didn't do something about it then, I wouldn't be able to let go later"

The words struck me brain dead. My body sat frozen in place and my tongue couldn't form words. I didn’t know what to feel nor could I think of what to say.
Silence ensued, while we process what has happened and subsequently thinking of what will happen.

It was somehow reassuring.