tragic

noah- 11 - temptation

^^theos room^^

As we step into Theo's house, an audible gasp escapes my lips. The grandeur of the entrance takes my breath away—a sweeping staircase, illuminated by the soft glow of sunlight filtering through massive windows, casts long shadows across the light hardwood floors. It's a scene straight from a dream, a stark contrast to the darkness that clouds my mind.

I wander further, drawn towards the kitchen where sleek, dark cupboards stand in stark contrast to the pristine white countertops. "Holy shit," I murmur, my gaze fixated on the expansive view outside—a sprawling pool surrounded by rugged rocks and a small waterfall, a picture-perfect oasis in the midst of my turmoil

Theo's laughter interrupts my reverie, pulling me back to reality. I force a smile, though inside, a storm rages on. "I'm sorry, it's just... wow," I stammer, gesturing awkwardly around us. His easy laughter, tinged with warmth"If you want, we can swim later?" he suggests, a playful glint in his eye. Despite the offer, a sense of dread gnaws at my insides. I've never learned to swim, a fact that fills me with shame and apprehension.

"What do you want to eat? I can cook something, or we can order in?" Theo's voice breaks through my thoughts, and I falter, torn between hunger and fear. My gaze drifts to his arms, strong and sinewy beneath the fabric of his shirt, and a wave of panic washes over me.

I know the price of asking for anything—a price paid in bruises and broken promises. Yet, the hunger gnaws at my stomach, a relentless reminder of my own weakness. "Can we get... pizza?" I manage to stutter, my voice barely above a whisper, bracing myself for the inevitable backlash.

To my surprise, Theo's response is gentle, devoid of anger or reproach. "Yeah, sure," he says with a smile, and relief floods through me, mingling with a sense of unworthiness that refuses to be ignored.

before pulling out his phone, "what do you want on your pizza?" he asks. "umm....whatever you are getting" I responded, my nerves slowly going away. "Alright, the pizza should be here within 30 minutes" he says with a smile before grabbing two drinks from the fridge and walking out of the kitchen, causing me to have to run to catch up to him.

were laying in bed watching some superhero movie i think? it has something to do with a purple guy, i don't really know since i'm too distracted by theo who is laying inches away from me, the pizza long gone on the floor. his legs are spread, practically inviting me to...no. noah stop. i think before snapping my attention back to the movie. some girl just jumped off a cliff which i felt was strange but once again i couldnt care less, due to the fact that noah has fucking begun to take off his shirt, my heart clenches in my chest, a tangled mess of longing and self-loathing. "Hey, is this okay?" he asks, his voice a fragile thread in the silence that surrounds us.

I nod, unable to find the words to articulate the turmoil raging within me. Shame washes over me as I realize the depth of my desire, a desire born of loneliness and desperation.

my eyes trailing from the trail hair up his abs and to his chest before making their way up to his eyes, which are staring right back at me. 'shit' i think before quickly turning back to the screen. right then theo shifts and sits so his feet are on his bed and his legs are bent, 'is he.....no noah stop. he. doesn't. like. you. like. that.' i scold myself as shame and a sense of loneliness comes over me, 'nobody likes you noah. Why would they? god damn, why the fuck did i think any different?' I self critique as the movie continues.

At some point I must have drifted off because I was soon awoken by theo nudging my shoulder, "hey noah....do you want to go swimming?" he asks, childlike joy coating his face. 'shit what do i do? first off, i cant swim, secondly he cant see whats under my clothes....fuck hes gonna be so pissed' "what about your parents? would they care?" I ask as smoothly as I can, "oh no it's alright they are out of town for a few days on a work trip or something" he replies with a smile, "come on!" he practically shouts while jumping off the bed, 'shit....' "WAIT! I don't have a swimsuit!" I yelled while smiling, thinking I had won, "don't worry we can swim naked" he taunts. "im KIDDING!" he yells as he takes in my face which has lost all its color, "i have extra swimsuits, you might be able to fit into this" he says while tossing me a pair of swim trunks, i look at his back while he searches for a pair that he can wear, 'god damn' i think before rolling off the bed, "i'm gonna go change in the bathroom, one second...." i tell him as i walk past, "ok i'll change in here then meet me at the pool?" he questions while starting to shut his door, "yeah....'' I respond before closing the bathroom door. I try on the trunks which surprisingly fit really well. I look at myself in the mirror and lift my shirt, 'ew....' I retorted as I took in my body. bruises,cuts,scars,burns litter a great portion of my skin. The taste of salt passes my lips and I realize that I'm crying before slumping to the floor and allowing myself to pity myself, And so, I cry—not just for myself, but for every lost soul who has dared to hope, only to be met with disappointment. I cry for the child I once was, innocent and naive, and for the man I've become, burdened by the weight of my own inadequacies.

But most of all, I cry for Theo—a beacon of light in my darkest hour, a reminder of everything I am not, and everything I can never be.