Finding myself

27. I was only 12

Two in under 24 hours?! It's almost like I'm going on a trip next week and won't be able to post!?
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Day -1630 4 and a half years before she killed Steve (she's 12)

As much as I wished he wouldn't come back, he always did. I'm reflecting on the past 6 years as if it were a fairy tale. I would much rather have father here than him. Fathers' punishments were always physical or mental pain, beatings, calling me names, trying to hurt me the most, but now I've grown accustomed to it. He had to find another way. A way that would take away my innocence. Take away the only thing I had left.

The definition of a virginity is someone who hasn't had sexual intercourse. If I didn't want it does it count? Someone still entered me with or without my permission. They were still tearing me open without me wanting it to happen. Sexual intercourse means the penetration of a man into a woman. Or at least that's what the dictionary in Father's room says. Nowhere does it say it has to be pleasurable for both parties.

I'm only fucking twelve and I'm asking these questions. Am I a virgin? Did I lose the only thing I was told to keep? The thing some keep until marriage. I could have stopped it from happening, I should have tried harder. His hand on me physically burned my skin holding my melting flesh onto the makeshift bed I was forced into.

I'm only here for 7 days, how could I not resist it? Push him away, why didn't I do anything to stop him? I've killed, I've burnt people alive for doing this shit and now it's happening to me all over again? I lost my virginity when I was 6. But I don't count it really. Should I have? Have I lost it now? Did I lose it then?

I can feel his blue eyes on me now. The crystals that I used to love so much shine onto my tear-stained face. The four cement walls surrounding me were covered in my blood. This room is filled with the memories of the past 5 days. Only two more. Two more days and you can go back to the hell hole your father created for you.

At least there I won't be touched. At least there I'll be able to wash my skin until it's red all over. At least there I can try to remove all traces of his calloused hands and his dry lips all over my body.

I stare blankly at the wall as tears stream down my face. The sound of his footsteps walking towards me scared me shitless. I don't look, I stay staring at the blood-stained wall until my view is covered. His crotch is in sight. He was hard. Of course he was, there was a crying 12-year-old girl sitting in the corner of the room fully naked. Who wouldn't get hard off of that sight?

I bury my face into my legs pushed all the way up to my chest. Pushing my legs shut as he tries to claw his way through the barrier. He's stronger. He's always stronger than me. As much as I fight I can't win. He pushes my legs apart. Pulling me down onto the spring mattress that was digging into the fresh welts on my back making me cry out in pain. He said I didn't fulfill his needs, so he brought out a whip, an actual fucking whip, and slashed my back open until it was raw, until I couldn't feel it.

I could feel him enter me, the pain momentarily blinding the shockwaves coming from my back. I try to push him away, I'm trying to get him out I really am. I just can't do it. He chuckles lightly at my attempt. Leaning down to just above my face. His onion-smelling breath fanned my face. He quickened his movement making me cry even harder, he thought it was a hint of something else because he slapped me telling me how much I liked it.

A choked sop escaped my lips as he leaned down pressing his dirty cracked lips to my own. I can't push him away, my hands held above my head by only one of his own. I can't move, my entire undeveloped body on full display for him. I can't pull away, I can't scream, I can't even cry anymore. I'm so severely dehydrated that the tears won't come anymore. The only thing I can feel is him, and the scratching at the back of my throat from every sob that escapes my lips.

His movement becomes sloppier as he releases himself inside of me. His movements stopped momentarily before pulling out and looking at me with the same eyes that used to comfort me. The ones he isn't worthy of using. He's one of fathers friends, not one of mine. Those eyes hold my happiest and darkest memories and I'd rather forget them all.

He looks away and leaves not saying another word. I sit up my back being physically detached from the springs poking out of the thin mattress. I know I'll be back here, even after the 7 days. Father knows it affected me. He knows it caused me pain, he knows I'm suffering, so he will send me back, every chance he gets.

Is it worth living through this? Is my life worth this much struggle? The pain I'm feeling in this moment alone is enough to bring me to the edge. Can I stop myself from jumping off a cliff? I can't control anything in my life, I can't stop the immediate pain I feel whenever anything happens. Good or bad, if it's good I feel guilty for being happy when my family never will. If it's bad, that moment brings me back to the inevitable thought that I won't make it out.

No one would miss me if I did leap. My mom is dead, my brother is dead, my best friend is dead, my stepdad wants me dead and my real dad could be as good as dead. Any friend I ever had dropped me like dead weight. I have no one. I'm going to die to my stepdad, and no one is going to miss me, no one is going to notice.

Am I really strong enough to go another 6 years of this? Before I can move out without questions being asked. Can I do this?

I will do this. If I don't, what would these past 6 years be worth? The abuse I've already endured can all go to waste.

The tears were back but they were less sad, more determined. I push them back and stand up, making sure I don't fall over.

I will get through this, if not for me now, for my future self, the one that wouldn't be alive without my decision at this moment.

I won't be the person to kill me.

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Words 1246

That was so fucking sad. I know why I wrote it, but why would do this to poor Marianne?

This shows how strong she is but I feel so bad.

Hope you liked this chapter! Or maybe I hope you didn't because it was really sad.

Make sure to vote & comment to let me know you like the story!

Dominique <3