Pain

Pills

My mother has always had sleeping pills in her bedside drawer, but she never used them ever.  Maybe she use to, but not anymore.  They just collect dust in that tiny drawer.  I remember when I was younger, I would ask her why she had them."  Mutter, warum Sie haben Schlaftabletten?"  (Mother, why do you have sleeping pills?)  She had looked over at me glaring, then blew a piece of hair out of her eyes."  Weil Mama kann nicht schlafen, gehen jetzt spielen Sie mit Ihren Spielwaren."  (Because Mommy can't sleep, now go play with your toys.)  I didn't know why she couldn't sleep, but I didn't ask.  My mother was home when I got home, this time with my nose with tape on it to stop bleeding."Ich muss gehen bekommen einige neue Pflegeprodukte für die Reise, ich werde nicht mehr lange dauern. Bleib hier, und nichts anfassen."  (I have to go get some new toiletries for the trip, I won't be long. Stay here, and don't touch anything.)  I didn't really care, because I had plans for after she left.  She packed her purse, and left a few minutes later.

I started smiling, because today was the today.  No more pain, no more screaming fights, no more fights, no more nothing.  I was going away, forever.  Once I thought everyone was out of the house, I walked up to my Mother's room.  I tore apart her nightstand drawer, and pulled out her pill bottle.  There were twenty pills in there, but I didn't take them all.  I pullout fifteen, that should do it.  I went back downstairs, and wrote a note for my parents." Ich schluckte Pillen, sind Sie immer noch enttäuscht?"  (I swallowed pills, are you still disappointed?)  I set it on the front door on the outside, so it was the first thing they saw.  I then sat on my bedroom floor, with the door open.  I looked down at the pills, and could feel the tears falling.  Why am I sad?  I want this, I really want this!  It's the first decision that I've ever really wanted.  So why was I sad?

Was it because I didn't want to break Tina's heart?  Because Tina actually saw me, she actually cared about me.  She was the only one who taught me more English than the video tapes or teachers.  She made my parents believe she only knew German, which was our little secret.  But now I was leaving her alone?  Because I couldn't bare it anymore?  I stared down at the pills in my hand, and started crying harder."  I'm sorry Tina, I wish you understood."  I  took a deep breathe, and started swallowing the pills one at a time.  

My stomach gurgled, and my eyelids felt heavy.  I sat there feeling the soft carpet under my bare feet, and my mind felt like slush."  Goodbye...Tina."  Were my last words, then everything turned black.  My mind was like a slushie, everything all messed up.  But I could still hear things.  I heard someone screaming, and someone calling my name in a frantic."  Jerliko!  Can you hear me Jerliko!"  Tina?  She found me?  Oh God, no.  It was suppose to be Mom and Dad, not her.  She wouldn't be able to handle it, I should've called her first.  Tell her to stay home.  Everything slowly disappeared, and I was left in darkness.