Pain

Group

Dr. Robert let us stay silent for a few minutes, and I continued to look down at the table."  So Jerliko, tell us about what happened into the meeting area."  I looked up at him, and sighed."  I didn't mean to react, but it's just that Mike reminded me of my school bully.  He was big like him, and strong like him.  He reminded me of him, and I just..."  I shivered, and started coughing from all the pain."  Are you alright?"  Dr. Robert asked, almost standing in his seat."  I fine, sorry."  I said taking a deep breathe."  The Bully's name is Terry, and he beats me up everyday at school.  He calls me 'Nazi' because I'm full blooded German, even though I've never known anything about Nazi's.  I don't even remember Hitler's first name.  Terry's really big and really stupid, but he can still make people hurt."  I pulled down my sleeves, and they came down to my fingers."  Jerliko, why did you try to commit suicide?"  He asked, and I looked down at my hands.

"Because..I was alone."

"What do you mean you were alone?"

"That nobody cared about me.  Nobody at school, nobody at home, just..nobody.  I only had Tina to look after me, and she wasn't always there to help me."  I sat there with my arms crossed now, I was angry now."  Do you love Tina, more than your parents."

"Of course, she taught me English.  She also was the one who would fix me up when I was beat up.  So of course I love her."  Steve looked up from picking his nails at me."  More than your parents?"  He asked, and I nodded."  If you met my parents, you would understand why.  They're always disappointed when I come home bruised and bloody, because I'm embarrassing them in front of the other kids.  Or they're disappointed in my grades, and I have A's and B's.  Everyday I get home, my Mother finds a way to complain about something about me.  She calls me egoistisch, or selfish because I'm not thinking about them.  Sorry I wasn't thinking about while I getting my ass kicked Mother."  I said, and looked up at Dr. Robert."  How does it make you feel when your Mother calls you Selfish?"

"Like nothing, like I'm just her china doll that always has to be perfect."  Ruth looked up, she looked as if she had just smoked a cigarette."  What does nothing feel like?  Doctor was going to ask it, but I wanted to first."  Dr. Robert smiled at her, and looked at me waiting for an answer."  Nothing feels like drowning in a pool of acid, the pain is all you feel until it turns to numbness.  It turns into a painful depression."  Dr. Robert was writing somethings onto a notepad in front of him, and nodded."  What is depression to you Jerliko?"  He asked me, and I shivered a bit.

"It's like your screaming, screaming in pain and agony.  It's like being in a glass case, screaming for help to get out.  And...no one can hear you.  They either can't hear you, or they don't care.  It's like being invisible in room full of people."  I then went silent, and sat there thinking about what I just did."  Ruth, Steve, how has your therapy been going?"  Ruth and Steve both looked at each other, then shrugged."  I just don't understand why we have to gain weight if we're happy with our bodies, isn't that the goal in this?  To be happy with our bodies?"  Steve asked, and I looked over at Dr. Robert."  Yes, but at a healthy weight.  I know you two enjoy it when you are ninety pounds, but you could die from that.  We want you to be happy with a healthy weight, so that's why you have to gain weight."  Steve understood, but acted as if he didn't.  Louie sighed, and tapped his fingers against the table."  So Louie, how has it been since you last purged?"  Dr. Robert asked, and Louie shrugged."  I'm feel really good, I've been able to keep food down.  Plus, I'm trying to be more friendly.  I know I haven't been really nice on my first day, but I have my reasons.  My father taught me fighting is always the answer, now I know that it isn't always the answer."  Dr. Robert smiled, and nodded that it was good he was progressing.

"What about you Red, have you made progress?"  Red's hands shook as she tried to count them."  I'm not fixing everything that I see that's not right, does that help?"  She asked, and the doctor nodded."  Yes, that's very good Red.  You're getting along very well."  Red smiled a little bit, then the Doctor's smile went away."  What about you Mary, how have you been getting along?"  Mary held my hand under the table, and looked down at the table."  I've been thinking about leaving the orphanage, because I can't handle it anymore.  Everyone treats me likes shit there, and I'm sick of it.  I'll go live with my family in London, they'll keep me safe."  Dr. Robert nodded in agreement, and sighed as he pushed his chair."  Okay, that's all for group today.  Um Jerliko, may I speak with you privately?"  Everyone got up to go to the meeting room, and I sat there with Dr. Robert coming over to sit closer to me."  Have you been explained how the days worked yet son?"  He asked, I've never been called son before besides my Father.  I shook my head, and he crossed his arms over each other."  Well, yesterday was you cool off day, which doesn't really count in my book if I can be truthful.  So you'll be staying here for two-three weeks so we can monitor you.  Is that alright with you?"  He asked, and I nodded."  I'll stay here for as long as I can."  I said in a serious tone, and he nodded."  I'll be having sessions with you every two days, but group is everyday.  Don't forget that, and it's always at ten."  I nodded, and he patted me on the back.

El walked with me to the meeting room, and I sat down with her behind me."  Now, we all know what it was like on our first day in the meeting room.  But that does not give us the right to tease Jerliko about his attack, do I make myself clear?"  Everyone nodded, and told El that they would never tease him."  We've all gone through bullies, we wouldn't bully someone like us."  Ruth said, and Steve nodded in agreement."  Okay, I'll come get you guys when lunch is ready."  She then left, and Ruth pulled something out of her pocket."  Smoke?"  She asked everyone, and we all shook our heads.