Thunder's Affliction (Updating)

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Nakatulala lang ako habang naguusap sila. Hindi ma-proseso sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Sky, leaving me still and cold.

"Maybe because of what happened to her and then added by how everything messed up, hindi kinaya ng isip niya, so she created a world where everything was different, it was a world where everything is possible—the story is different. It was like she wanted to rewrite what she had experienced or redo things to avoid the mistakes she made—" The guy paused from talking and they both looked at me.

"During the psychotic episode, she experiences hallucinations and delusions. Kaya madalas mo siyang makita na tila may kausap, kaya may mga sinasabi siya na hindi naman talaga totoo o nangyayari. Sa t'wing nararamdaman niya 'yong pain, bumabalik siya roon sa mundo niya kung saan tama lahat. Tama ang ginagawa niya. To the point that she cannot distinguish anymore what's real and what is just a made-up story in her mind." nagsalubong ang kilay ko at litong-lito na nagpalitpalit ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa.

"Sky, schizophrenia has so many bases for why it develops, but for sure everything that happened to her contributed to and triggered it, leading her mind to shut down. She needs immediate medication, bago pa niya tuluyang masaktan ang sarili niya." the unknown guy said again, and I looked at Sky. My hands started to tremble, as did my lips. My tears rushed down my cheeks as my breathing became rough.

"Liar! Liar! You just want me away from Thunder! Okay na kami eh! Napansin na niya ako! Minamahal na niya ako! Hiwalay na sila ng m-malanding babae—ng malanding Rain na 'yon! Everything! E-everything was falling into place. Zeus and Rain had already left the country for good! We were almost there t-tapos, tapos kinuha niyo ako!" nag h-hysterical na sigaw ko. Nagsimula na akong magwala. I started to throw things, breaking whatever I held. Sky was screaming, pero wala na akong naririnig. They're clearly lying! They're manipulating me, para lang papaniwalain ako sa kung ano-ano. They want me to forget and leave Thunder, so they're making up stories. Sky tried to catch my hands to stop me.

"Heaven listen! There are no such things as that—that happened. W-walang Zeus, walang Rain na asawa ni Thunder, hindi ka mahirap, hindi ka only child or ampon or whatever life it is that you told me. You graduated college and one of the popular designers. Kaya 'yong mga sinasabi mo na hindi ka nakapag-college, that you're stupid, na naging house maid ka, na inalagaan mo si Thunder dahil naaksidente siya, walang ganoon, hindi ganoon ang nangyari. It was just made by your mind; all of that happened in your mind." nanlaki ang mga mata ko at galit na pinukol siya ng tingin. Marahas at mabilis akong umiling.

"No! You listen to me! Thunder—Thunder has always been cheated by his wife, Rain! He endured a lot, he cried a lot! S-so I have to go back! May bahay siya sa Vigan, and. . . and may napakaganda pa nga ng garden eh! You can send me there and I will prove you! I'll show you! Just, just let me! I have to make him happy! Baka bumalik nanaman ang babaeng 'yon tapos saktan nanaman niya si Thunder! Lokohin nanaman niya si Thunder! No one messes up with Thunder! I love him so much! So damn much! And you all freaking knew that! You knew how much I fucking love Thunder!" she shook her head determined to tell me I was wrong.

"Heaven no! No! You are the one who cheated on Thunder!" Natigilan ako. I felt like the whole world had stopped. Umalingawngaw ang boses niya sa ulo ko. Confusion filled my mind. Nanghihina akong napaupo at nanginginig ang mga kamay ko, balisa rin akong napatingin kung saan habang tuloy-tuloy ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko kasabay ng ilang memories na nagp-play sa isip ko.

Sky walked back and forth, brushing her hair out of frustration.

"And. . . the house you're talking about is our house Heaven. Look! Look around you! I brought you here on Vigan a few days ago, dahil hindi ako tinitigilan ng media. They keep on bothering me, us, in the hospital kaya kinailangan kong dalahin ka na lang dito because it was the nearest. Ang dami ko nang inaayos at inaasikaso dumagdag pa sila and I cannot risk you." umangat ang tingin ko at halos manlumo ako na ang kwarto kung nasaan kami ngayon ay ang kwarto ni Thunder.

Pero hindi, hindi pa rin ako sumusuko. I stood up and ran. Humabol siya sa akin, and she keeps on calling my name, pero hindi ako tumigil hanggang sa makarating sa likurang bahagi ng bahay. I was about to smile, but it didn't happen when I found what's in there.

Masukal. Dry leaves and branches are scattered around. There is no garden, no butterflies, and no flowers. Unti-unti akong napaluhod at naging marahas ang paghinga. I can feel Sky walking towards me.

"Heaven, I know it's hard to say this right now because of your condition, but this is the only way I know to wake you up and to force you to distinguish reality. You started to be like that when everything messed up, and when Thunder broke up with you, maybe that triggered you, just like what Doc Nycolas said. You wanted to escape the reality, the harsh truth, the real story. You want to avoid the pain, end it that you end up having these fake scenarios in your mind. . .Ilang araw ka nang tulala at hindi namin makausap. Hindi ka rin kumakai. Hindi ko—hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko." No. No. That... That's not true! That's not fucking true! Umilingiling ako at sinabunutan ang sarili. My hands ran down my face and rubbed as scenes of Thunder and I that I thought were real started to flash in my mind. It was so perfect.

"M-minsan, nakikita kita na nakatulala at tumatawa mag-isa, you're mumbling words, na p-para bang mas masaya ka sa kung nasaang mundo ka. Na mas masaya ka roon that's why you chose to be there, pero ang sakit-sakit lang kasi naiwan mo a-akong mag-isa. You gave up. I was left here alone, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin, kung sino ang uunahin ko. Mom's been in coma since the accident, kuya Light was in rehabilitation center after ma-overdose for taking drugs, dad was in jail. I don't know what to do anymore, we're all messed up, Heaven." Sky held my hands as she kneeled in front of me, eyeing me with her worried and tired eyes.

"Heaven, I know whatever you did in the past, everything will be alright. You don't need to try to rewrite it in your mind. You don't have to create scenarios just to alter what happened, to change how everything happened. Naiintindihan ko na masakit at mahirap para sa 'yo na tanggapin ang mga nangyari to the point that you think of what ifs, what if ganoon ang nangyari gaya sa naimagine mo? But we need you here, Heaven. We need you in the real world. I need you here, not in a world na hindi kami nag-e-exist. Not in your world kung saan hindi mo kami kilala. Please, stay with us, please help yourself to heal. I beg you, Heaven. Please!" I cried hard. I covered my face and cried so loud. 

"P-pero... Pero kapag nangyari 'yon, m-mawawala 'yong chance k-ko na itama ang nakaraan. T-tuluyang mawawala sa akin si Thunder." lumiit ang boses ko. I cannot bear to face the reality—the reality that I lost everything. I lost Thunder. I disappointed everyone, and I can never bear that.

I don't know what happened next. I just felt like something pierced my flesh and I felt so dizzy. And while I was falling into nothingness, reality seemed to slap me with the truth. The truth I tried to bury behind the perfect lies to wake me up from my crazy made-up world and made-up story.

If only. . . If only I had been strong. If only I had made the right choice. . . I wouldn't have these regrets that weigh me down and break me every day of my life since the day that Thunder gave up on me.

. . .