Phantom ~ [Simon Ghost Riley]

XLII. From afar

Simon 'Ghost' Riley ~ 10.30 pm (one day prior)

I'm beginning to feel like I've made a mistake.

A big one, at that.

It had been three days since I left here there, tears welling up in her eyes. I hadn't been able to get the image of her out of my head. Not even for a single fucking minute and it was driving me insane.

Soap tried to convince me that I should just give it a chance. But I can't. There isn't a single outcome of it where I'd be able to make her happy. To give her everything she deserves.

Because I'm scared.

Scared that one day will be my last and that I'll leave her here in this fucked up world. I couldn't do that to her. Never. The thing is... I had never been scared to die. Not until I met her. And that makes me feel weak. I can't fucking feel weak. Not in my position.

So it's for the best. I know it is.

But then why does it still feel like I've made a mistake?

Before I know it, my fist lands on the kitchen counter, the coldness of its material doing absolutely nothing to calm me down. I look around my apartment, to the dimmed setting and the emptiness of it.

Should I call her?

Maybe it will help to just get everything off of my chest. What's the harm in that?

I reach somewhere in my pocket and grab my phone, unlocking it in a split second. My finger hovers above her contact info when my eyes land on her name again.

Sergeant Ace.

My thumb presses on the call button and a flash of panic rushes through me as the phone rings slowly.

Once. Twice.

No answer, but a loud beep follows.

"I'm sorry! I can't pick up right now, but I'll be sure to call you back as soon as possible!" Her voice sounds happy and heartfelt, before another beep follows.

"...Hey," I start hesitantly, my voice almost inaudible before I scrape my throat. "—I'm sorry for calling you at this hour... I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now but... I guess I just wanted to say that... I'm not sure what's going on with me," I mumble, my voice careful. "I thought I was doing what's best for us.. I figured you'd be happier with someone that wasn't me. But now I'm realizing that it might not be what's best for us. Or for me.."

My breathing gets uneven before the longest sigh ever escapes me.

"I guess I just wanted to say that it hurts... And I'm so sorry for being such a fucking coward. I don't know what I'm doing.. really.."

A long silence follows, the voicemail still recording before I realize what I'm actually doing.

What am I doing...?

My thumb goes up to the delete button, and before I can think about it twice, the voicemail is gone and my phone is somewhere on the other side of the room. My hands find my hair, and I lean forward on the kitchen counter.

"Don't fucking talk to her," I whisper to myself, the sound of it echoing through the room. "Don't."

~

The cold night air slips through the window and messes up my hair as drive on the empty road. My gaze flickers over to the rearview mirror, and I stare back at myself, not seeing a skull mask this time.

It's unusual, still. Even though I go out like this sometimes. Only when it's dark out, though, so the scars that ruin my face are less noticeable.

I pull up to the arcade, parking my car at a distance, trying to stay somewhat hidden in the shadows. My head rests against the car seat and I sigh, once again realizing what I'm doing before I quickly grab my phone again.