Secret (Stan x Kyle | South Park)

IV | Talk of the Town

Cartman's POV:

"This is gonna be the talk of the town, Kenny. Trust me, we'll be famous." I say, holding out one of many posters that I had stuck around the school this morning. It had a picture I took of Stan and Kyle sleeping together, with the caption "Gay". Not to mention, it's in the gayest font I know, Comic Sans.

"Hmm... Why did you take that photo, fatass?" Kenny says, analysing it closely.

"Because I wanted to, Kenny. I can blackmail Kyle and Stan now, and now I know for sure that they're gay."

"Didn't you try to set them up like 5 times in the last two weeks? And a few years ago, you spent ages and ages of your time trying to set them up. Why do you even ship them anyway?"

"It's simple, Kenny. If I can set them up, then I can take photos and blackmail them, so that the entire school would know they're gay. If they want the posters removed, they have to do Something... Intimate."

"Dude, don't you think this is going a little far?"

"No, no, Kenny. This is perfect. If Stan and Kyle are gay together, that means they'll be happy little Haywards, but I can easily ruin that, and make them enemies forever."

"They were already enemies for a good three years Cartman. Just leave Kyle alone, he hasn't done anything to you for years. Just ignore him, and both of you will be better. Your problems won't be fixed by making Kyle and Stan feel worse."

"Oh, they will, Kenny, they will."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, fatass. Go do whatever the fuck you want, just don't cause more harm to them. It won't help you."

I'm not ever taking that into consideration. No way José. Kenny walks away from me, disappointed.

I was kind of lying to Kenny. I probably won't split Kyle and Stan up. They'll get into an argument and break away from each other in time. I just need to set them up for now.

The thing is, I made a deal with Cupid Me. The poor thing was weak and dying, because it hadn't set anyone up. It doesn't have the strength to work its magic now, so I need to set up Kyle and Stan to make it better. The poor thing is probably dying slowly on the floor of my room. Disgusting, but oh well. If I don't want a mess of guys everywhere I need to help it now. So, when I see Kyle and Stan linking arms while they come into school, I set up my next plan.

I peek my head through the window of the Vice Principal's office. There's no one there. I open the door, and carefully close it behind me. Now all I need to do is search the drawers, and ooh! Chocolate! I snatch the chocolate off the VP's desk, and shove it in my pocket, as well as taking a key from the top drawer. I fit it in the lock and turn it. Good, it can lock. I take the key out again, and check through the window that no one is coming, then I sneak out again.

It's only a matter of time before I can get them to the correct destination, since the bell rings in about 5 minutes. Luckily, I have a bait.

I travel through the halls, before I see Kyle and Stan looking horrified at a poster. Perfect. They've seen one. I run over to them. "Hey, dudes. Awwhh, I guess you've seen the posters."

"Cartman!" Kyle shouts, gritting his teeth. "What have you done now!?"

"Okay, okay, I did it. But I can help you guys. You have to do one favor for me, then I remove the posters.

"Fine, we'll do it, fatass. You happy?"

"In a minute I will be." I say, ushering them through the halls. "come this way, gaywads!"

The gays follow me through the halls and into the Vice Principal's office, reluctantly. I hear Kyle groan and mutter to Stan, who instantly starts laughing. I open the door to the office and shove them in, so that they fall to the ground, then I close the door behind me, and lock it. I put the keys in my pocket.

"Okay, gaybos, you might be wondering why you're here."

"Of course we're fucking wondering why we're here!" Kyle spits.

"Now, you gaywads have been plastered around the entire school, and you want those posters removed. Correct?"

"Yeah. So remove them!"

"Not so fast, Stan. You have to do me a little favor in return."

"Just tell us what the fuck you want, dickhead." Kyle interjects.

"Hey, hey, be patient, gaywads-"

"Stop calling us gaywads!"

"No." I pause. "I want you two to kiss."

"What the fuck?!" Kyle shouts. Stan stays silent.

"Oh yeah, and I have the key to this room. You can't do anything about it, so you gaywads have to kiss."

"What the fuck?!" Gay 1 yells, getting angry at me. "Even if we were going to do that we have the right to privacy! Jesus Christ, Cartman, this is too far, man! Right, Stan?"

Gay 2 doesn't respond to Gay 1's shouting. He just stands there, looking at the ground.

"Stan?! Stan, tell him that we're not gay for eachother!"

"That's the problem, Gay 1. Gay 2 is gay for you. Actually."

"He's not! How would you know, anyway?!" Gay 1 yells.

"Uhh... Can I speak for myself...?" Gay 2 asks.

"Of course, Gay 2. Speak your mind." I say.

"Cartman is right, Kyle..." He says, his voice wavering off near the end of his sentence.

"Told you!" I shout, pumping my fist at the victory, and pointing the other hand at Gay 1.

"I'm sorry if this ruins our friendship! I'm so sorry! You're just amazing, Kyle and I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would ruin something between us again!" Gay 2 shouts, starting to freak out.

"It's okay, Stan, really. We just need to figure out what to do here." Gay 1 sighs. "Hey, fatass! Can we consider your offer in private?"

"You'll have to go in the corner and whisper, I'm not letting you out until you gaywads kiss each other." I say, matter-of-factly.

"Fine. Come on, Stan." Gay 1 says, and both the gaybos scuttle into the corner and huddle up together. They start whispering to each other. Stan's eyes widen for a second, but he nods. What's Gay 1 planning?
Gay 2 nods along with Gay 1's plan, and they start smiling mischievously. Gay 1 comes back up to me, and Gay 2 follows him hesitantly.

"Okay, fatass. We have a deal for you."

"Okay, let's hear it." I say, nonchalantly.

"You let us out, or you die." Gay 1 says, smiling viciously. It doesn't scare me. He can't kill me.

"How do you gaywads expect to kill me?" I say, grinning right back at them.

Kyle's grin spreads further across his face, and Stan smiles too. He looks a little nervous, like he's afraid of what Kyle is going to do.

Eventually, Kyle's grin widens so far, that I can see fangs. What? He probably bought those from Amazon for Halloween. I don't know why he'd have them on now. Kyle pins me against a wall.

"Woah, dude. Take me out to dinner first."

"I think Kyle is about to have his dinner now." Stan grins.

"What?!" I shout, as Kyle bears his fangs.

"You have one last chance to let us go, fatass." Kyle warns, and I quickly fumble in my pockets to find the key, I close my eyes shut in fear, and hold my arm out with the key.

"And don't you dare tell anyone that this ever happened. Or else you're actually dead." Kyle says, and he and Stan slip out the door, and close it silently.

"That's why you were acting so different about me." I hear Kyle's voice ring out.

"Yeah..."

~X~

1346 words