Asteraceae

THIRTY THREE

Alice had long since stormed off to rest on the front porch of Joshua's house. She did not want to go back home now, she knew Jasper would return there first, but she also did not want to go inside and join Joshua in bed because she did not think she could handle being ignored at this moment. She wanted someone to talk to, someone to just hold her close while her mind ran wild about everything that had recently happened, but he was always a heavy sleeper.

He would not wake up to her getting in bed, nor would he wake up to see her mental breakdown that consisted of thinking if she really did the right thing by kissing Jasper that one last time. She wanted him to have that closure, wanted him to know that she really did care, but she felt like she did something wrong after it was taken a step too far. Nothing was supposed to feel intimate about it, and it broke her heart that she might have just strung him along even deeper than he already was. She wanted nothing to do with him, no longer wanted to date him, love him, or even consider him as a good friend anymore but she was not willing to break up the happy family that she managed to get after all this time.

She loved having a father, mother, a sister, and brothers that cared for her, and while she would do anything for either of them, she felt selfish for once. She had never asked for much and the little she did ask for meant nothing eventually, but it seemed there would always be something wrong with her choice when taking it slow with Joshua. She wanted the man to feel no regrets after he changes, she wanted him to be happy with her, but if her fears end up being true, she will not know what to do with herself.

He had a family of his own, he had friends, and later he could even get himself a lover if things really did not end up working out between themselves, but she did not know if she would be able to do the same. She would not be able to get back with Jasper, she felt nothing for him anymore and she would feel ashamed to drag him along and stump his progress with his mate simply because she existed. She huddled up on the porch swing, knees pressed tightly against her chest as she stared out into nowhere. She could let herself inside his house and read a couple of books, but they would do nothing but remind her of her own relationship. Those books were a harsh reminder of what she wanted but could not have at this moment and it frustrated her to no end. She was determined to make this relationship work even if it cost her a life, but she was hoping that it would not come down to that. She loved everyone and everything and the act of doing anything of harm to the people she cared for left a bad taste in her mouth. She hated herself for breaking Jasper's heart like she did, but they had no choice. They were not meant for each other, and it would do nothing for them overall to get obsessed to the point of hurting themselves, and everyone around them.

She sighed, swinging slightly back and forth as she watched rain drops fall from the sky. She liked Forks, but the weather was doing nothing but upsetting her farther than she already was. She needed the sun to be out, feeling the missing heat her body does not create, and the sparkle of her skin that reminded her that she was still alive even if that meant she had to consume blood to stay that way. She did not like all this darkness, the dreadfulness of the dark clouds, and the pitter patter of rain running down the side of the house like tears. She would feel so lonely when it was just her, and for once she wished she had run home to be bundled up in someone's arms that she would not question where her melancholic attitude came from suddenly.

Meow

Yeontan hopped up next to her, the pretty Persian curling right up next to her thigh with curious eyes. The cat switched between liking and ignoring her, so she guessed this was around the time he would want to be around her without Joshua present. She could cuddle him, but he might run away if he gets caught up in her cold, wet hands. She did not think she would be able to handle anything running from her at this moment while she was so down in dumb.

"You came to check up on me?" She reached over to throw a blanket over them. Yeontan covered from the frigid air that blew around them, while Alice mostly just protected herself from the rain that managed to get on her toes and face the harsh winds. "You usually don't like being around me unless your Daddy is around." He was dead asleep now; it was long past eight and she wondered if he noticed that she was not in bed with him when he fully drifted off.

Meow

Yeontan blinked, more interested in cleaning himself than what Alice had to say. He was cute though so she would allow it to happen, but next time she would work hard to get his attention. She had wiped her eyes, the blood on her lips smearing against the back of her hand and side of her face. She had looked a mess and the slight dampness of her skin from the drizzle was doing her no better. She really could hear Joshua's voice right now, talking about how pitiful she looked while draping a towel over her head with the sweetest smile on his face as he wiped away any droplets of rain that dripped from her hair. It would be all too domestic for her and imagining them being surrounded by all the others as he loved her was even more domestic to the point of imagining a huge extended family joining together as a big happy family. She wanted that. A big happy family.

"Stupid girl." Joshua left the door ajar after Yeontan begged to get out. He was going to leave her out there alone, but he lit up for the night and allowed the cat to do whatever it wanted with her out there. The two of them getting wet was not his problem. 

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I'm coming around to my finals, so I'll probably be updating whenever I can at this point. Also, I'll set a goal for myself and try to finish this book before the end of May. I'll be updating randomly, but I'll still try and update at least one a week.

Wish me luck on my Finals guys! Love ya!