All The Colors Of You || Bang Chan

Chapter Eighteen - Chan

Perrie looks like a Monet painting.
There is no other way to say it.
She looks angelic, ethereal, radiant.
And when she laughs, I can feel my ribs break open at the bursting of my heart.
I watch her closely as she looks through Hyunjin's sketchbook.
He's been wanting to show her his work for a while now, has been asking when would be the right time.

He's so eager to get her comments, to hear her opinion. He took this sketchbook especially because it holds his best work, he said.
As Perrie carefully traces the lines on a sketch in blue oil crayons, Hyunjin scoots to sit next to her. They talk quietly, both of them nodding seriously and gesturing through the air with their hands.
Perrie takes out her own sketchbook and hands it to Hyunjin, before pulling out her pens and uncapping a marker.

My eyes catch at a strand of her fiery hair as it falls over her shoulder, the end slightly curling.
The curve of her shoulder, the strap of her dress.
I try not to stare, I try not to make it too obvious, but I can't stop looking back at her every time something else catches my attention.
Pictures of her on my lap suddenly resurface in my mind and I almost sigh delighted.
Her legs cradling my lap, the way she slung her arms around my shoulders. How her breath hitched when I kissed her and how her cheeks turned all pink and red and blotchy, like she was flustered by me.
Her lips so soft on mine, how innocently she pecked my cheeks, my nose, my jaw afterwards.

The curves of her body are heavenly.
I can say it right now and know it's completely true, if I were a painter she'd be my muse.
And no matter how this thing ends, no matter what this between us turns into, I would drown in the memories of her and call myself lucky.

As the hours go by I help Lee Know with the food and hand out drinks and snacks to everyone.
We play some music and everyone sings along, even Perrie, though she laughs out loud at her own squeaky attempt of hitting the higher notes.
"I'm a painter, not a singer, okay?" She falls back laughing and leans against Changbin's back with the widest grin as the two of them sway from side to side to IU's 'Lilac'.
She seems happy and at peace.

Felix and Jisung sit around her, Seungmin and Jeongin across from her. She laughs with Hyunjin and holds Felix' hand as he shares watermelon sticks with her.
I still stand by the grill next to Minho, both of us watching the group from the outside.
He turns over a chicken skewer and glances at me from the side of his eyes.
"You're making it so obvious," he chuckles, "How old are you, thirteen? Come on."
I shove his shoulder.
"Shut up," I say.
I turn towards him and add with a lower voice so no one hears me, "She's fitting right in, though, right? Look at them, the kids love her. When was the last time they were this happy around a stranger?"

Minho smiles and shakes his head.
"I agree, they seem to really like her," He sighs, "Just be careful, okay? I know you're old enough and all that but you know what it's like for someone like us."
"I know," I shrug, "Why do you think we're here? Hidden from everyone. A private garden? Of course we could never go public. The company would never allow it and I would never put us into that situation."
He knows what I mean.
Us. As in: Us, the band. The group. My brothers and I.
But I also mean 'us' as in 'Perrie and me'.

Because who would want to be in a relationship you're hated for?
Who would want to love someone in the eye of the entire world?
I know Stay. Our fans love us, and I know they want us to be happy.
But I also know how the industry works that I have spent more than half my life in.
It's build on availability, on the promise of obsessive behavior in the fans, and delusions.
It's built on fantasy.
And wether I like it or not, that is my life.

The Kpop industry only works in your favor if you can portray the picture of an idol living and breathing for their fans. The industry works best if the idol behaves like a significant other rather than a musician for their fans.
Because that's what the fans want.
And that's why an idol can't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
And that's why, even if Perrie would want to be with me, I could never make her step into the spotlight.

She'd be my secret. Hidden.
And I hate it, but I also want it.
As I look at her catching grapes with her mouth that Jisung throws at her, I realize that I'd rather have her in secret than not at all.
And the guilt of the thought alone is eating me up already.

As the day goes on, I can feel myself gravitate towards Perrie.
It's like she's pulling me closer by invisible strings, making me want to sit by her, stand by her, hear her voice.
The others don't seem to mind. I don't need to ask them to know how they feel, I can see it on their faces and in the way they laugh with her - they like her.
Which makes me like her even more.

When it gets dark, we pack everything together and call for the drivers.
We split up in two cars. Perrie sits beside me as the rest of the boys try to decide who gets to sit in the front seat.
We take her home and Felix nudges my shoulder from the backseat when I get out of the car to walk her up to her door.

Gloria and Ji aren't there this time and she opens the door before turning around to face me.
She leans against the frame of the open front door and looks up at me from her clear, light eyes.
"Thank you for inviting me today," she says quietly and I smile. "I've had a lot of fun. The boys are so great."
"They're amazing," I say and step closer with my hands in my pockets. "I'm glad you've had a good time."

I don't really know how to say goodbye. I don't want it to be awkward.
Perrie glances over my shoulder and then grins up at me slyly.
"I would invite you in," she murmurs, "But I know the others are waiting for you to come back. So maybe next time?"
She raises an eyebrow suggestively and bites her lips.
I chuckle.
"Definitely," I say and let my eyes drop to her lips for a second. So pink and plump.

I take a deep breath and step into her space, her head dropping back so she can look up at me.
"I'm going to kiss you now." I catch the glint in her bright eyes. "But it's going to be a quick kiss, because if it's even a little bit too long, I'm not going to make it back to the car."
Perrie laughs and dips her head back, her nose grazing against mine.
I bridge the breath of air between us and place my lips on hers.

One of my hands slips around her waist and she presses herself against me.
I can feel one of her legs angling up, her thigh pressing against my side ever so gently.
Heat rushes through my body and I deepen our kiss without thinking.
We fall back against the frame of her door and she sighs deeply, running her hands up my arms and into my hair.
"Chan," she whispers but I don't let her speak, I kiss her again and she laughs, one hand pressing against my chest.
"Chan," she says again and I sigh.

Our foreheads meet for a second as I keep my eyes closed trying to collect myself.
"I know, I know," I whisper and clear my throat. "I couldn't help myself, I just-..."
I love the way you taste.
I want you so much.
I want to do sinful things with you.
I stop myself before I could say it, but when our eyes meet I can see it in the way she looks at me: we're thinking the same things.

Perrie climbs to her toes and presses a kiss to my cheek.
Then she whispers into my ear.
"I'll be thinking about you tonight."
Then she winks at me and steps backwards through her door, the handle already in her hand.
"Goodnight, Chan."
I swallow thickly, but the smile spreading on my lips is real.
"Goodnight, Perrie."

She closes the door and I collect myself before turning around and going back to the car.
Felix, Changbin, Jisung and Hyunjin have their faces pressed against the windows, and when I open the door, they almost start yodeling.
"I don't want to hear it," I say but Jisung claps my shoulder.
"Congratulations, Channie," he says and they laugh like he made an incredible joke, "You're doing so well."
I sit down and buckle up. The car drives away.
"Shut up," I look outside the window and grin.
I don't even care if they did see it all. I am not even embarrassed.

All I can think about is Perrie and the way she whispered in my ear.
I'll be thinking about you tonight.