All The Colors Of You || Bang Chan

Chapter Fourteen - Perrie

It's a napkin.
He snuck out and wrote his note on a napkin. And he didn't even wake me up before leaving, like a coward.
Why?
Was he embarrassed or ashamed? Did he regret staying over?
Did something happen that he needed to rush away?
I could have made us breakfast, at least. Or coffee.

But no, I woke up and he was gone.
I look at the napkin in my hand as I sit outside my door on the veranda.
Gloria sits beside me, smoking and reading a magazine.
"Here," I say to her, "Take a look at this. How would you feel about this?"
She looks up and glances at the napkin in my hand over the top rim of her glasses.

She takes the napkin and reads it over.
I know what it says by heart, that's how many times my eyes have gone over every single word he wrote.

Hey Perrie,
I had a good time last night! I need to go now but I hope we'll see each other soon.
Until then,
Chan

Gloria pulls up an eyebrow and sucks at her cigarette.
Then she looks at me.
"Darling, did you two do the naughty?"
Within a split second, my entire face goes red.
"No!" I shake my head and refuse the need to cool down my cheeks with the cold tips of my fingers. "No, we didn't. We didn't even kiss, though I wanted to. He was really sweet about it, though."
"Hm-mhm." Gloria hands me back the napkin. "You've got to get out of your head, honey. This is nothing to worry about."

"He didn't even wake me up before he left," I pout, "He snuck out like staying with me for the night is forbidden or naughty somehow."
"He's an idol," Gloria leans back and starts leafing through her magazine, "This is Korea. Imagine if someone had seen him here all by himself. Can you imagine the rumors? No, no. This is for the best. And you should seriously reconsider the little thing you two have."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Perrie," Gloria says, "I know you! You fall in love way too quickly, it's the bane of any artist's existence. It happened with the last guy, what was his name again-... I can't remember. But that was a mess!"

She huffs a laugh as I painfully remember the last time I was in love with someone, and how he broke up with me after eight months of dating.
I was heartbroken, had cried my eyes out on Gloria's couch, as she fed me dumplings and miso soup.
Gloria continues, "The last boy was a nobody and he broke your heart. This boy is a someone. He's an idol. Do you really want to get involved with someone like that? Never being able to be seen together. No holding hands in public. He'll have to deny even knowing you, he'll have to forsake your entire relationship until he either retires or a scandal comes along from another band member. Trust me, he's sweet and nice and pretty, but being with him comes at a price."

I lean back.
I know she's right.
You see it all the time.
Dating scandals are common, though most of them don't prove to be true.
Still, something like that can break a career.
An Idol is only worth something if their fans are happy. At least in the eye of the companies.
And happy fans like to believe their idols are innocent and romantic, and have no human desire for love or touch whatsoever.
Idols don't have sex, especially not with non-idols, and they don't date. Ever.

I sigh and press my fist to my chest, massaging the spot between my collarbones.
I hate this feeling.
Like a candle is being snuffed. Like falling through a hole in the ground.
I know Gloria's right.
I don't know if Chan even considers dating me, but even if he does, do I want to date him?
As I think about last night, my answer is clear.
Yes. I do want to date him.

But do I want to date an idol?
No.
Unfortunately, I can't have the one without the other.
So is it all worth it?
Could I hide my feelings away from the world?
Could I live in the shadows, pretending to be something I'm not?
I truly don't know. I wouldn't do it for just any person, but then again: Chan isn't just anybody.
Something inside me is begging for me to hold onto him. A part of me screams in pain just thinking about cutting every advance and letting go of the entire idea of him.

Maybe it's a good idea to listen to that feeling.
Maybe the risk will pay off this time, maybe everything will turn out good.
I lean back in my chair and hold the napkin up to my eyes, when my phone alerts me.
I am getting messages from Chan.

hello
are you awake yet?

i hope you got my note! :)

what are you doing tonight?

I sigh.
I hate how quickly I can forget everything Gloria just said to me.
My heart is screaming, I want to see him. There's a tingling feeling underneath my skin and I can feel any hesitation leave my body.
Fuck it.
Let's just see where it goes. Whatever happens happens. I want to have some fun, I want to be held. I want to be with someone I know I can trust, no matter how short-lived it'll be.
I want him. My body needs him.
And if he does break my heart, it'll be worth all the time we could be spending together.

I don't want to make it too easy for him though. I am still just slightly salty that he didn't even bother to wake me up before he left.
So I only text him back one single message.

I'll be at the workshop tonight.

It only takes five minutes for him to answer.

Okay, I'll come over xx