When Storm Clouds Hover

44: Izzy - Something's seriously wrong

The next day, as Izzy walked into the hospital, she took a deep breath. How she had come to hate those mint green walls and the overpowering smell of hospital-grade detergent. Everything seemed big, cold, and impersonal. As they climbed the marble staircase, a sense of foreboding came over her.

Something was seriously wrong; Izzy could sense it. Her father and sister had been so quiet on the way back home from school. Izzy had tried to cheer things up, telling stories of random stuff that had happened at school, but nothing seemed to lift the mood.

Will this ever end? It seemed like she'd been coming to this hospital forever.

Izzy became sullen. Sometimes, she felt her mother's illness had robbed her of something important. She was a teenager and should be carefree. She never voiced such feelings aloud, knowing how selfish and ridiculous she would sound. Besides, she could see how ill her mother was and there was no point saying something that would hurt her.

At some point early in her mother's diagnoses, it had occurred to Izzy that her mum might die, but now she was so petrified that she'd put it out of her mind. It was easier to resent her mum for the wasted months of lying around than to think about the worst that could happen. Today though, Izzy self-talked her way out of her sullenness. It was a skill she'd learned over the months, that she found helpful but only possible in short bursts. Just for the next couple of minutes, she wanted to be the cheerful, happy visitor who breathed life into a dreary situation. She'd got the results of her mock exams back and could tell that her dad was super proud of her. She was eager to tell her mum the good news.

The three of them filed into the hospital ward, where Dana had a private room with a tall window overlooking the grounds. As Izzy walked into the ward, her mum's face lit up, and she ran forward to hug her. Despite her pallor which was slightly alarming, Dana didn't look much different to when Izzy had seen her last and it felt good to be in her arms.

They stood around the bed and chatted for a while about school and Izzy told her mum about her HSC practice test results. 'The only one I did badly in was French.' She said cheerfully. 'I suck at French unfortunately.'

Her Mum had chuckled at that. 'Oh darling, I'm so incredibly proud of you – that's put you near the top of the class, hasn't it?"

'Yeah. Fourth. Pretty good.' In truth, it was a relief. Izzy had been a little worried. She wasn't sure she'd done very well and whilst her parents tried not to put pressure on her to keep her grades up, Izzy was aware that to keep her bursary at the school, she had to maintain a high standard of academic achievement.

'Oh, sweetheart, I knew you could do it!' Her mum gushed. 'Well-done, my darling.'

Her Dad and Mia made a quiet retreat out the room, as Izzy and her Mum were talking happily together. They made the excuse they would get coffee for everyone from the hospital café.

When they'd gone, Dana asked Izzy to come in closer.

'Isabella, darling, I have something I have to talk to you about.'

Immediately Izzy felt sick. 'What is it, Ma?'

'Well, you know how I've been fighting this horrid disease for a while now...'

'Yes, and you're doing such a great job.' Izzy said, trying to instill her voice with confidence.

'That's just the thing, Iz, it doesn't seem to matter what I do or how much treatment they put me through. The doctors say I'm not getting better.'

Izzy couldn't comprehend what her Mum was saying. She stood blankly staring at the bed, trying to take in her words and process them.

'Darling, the cancer's spread. It's just about everywhere.

Tears sprung to Izzy's eyes, and she moved her gaze away from her Mum.

I must have an operation on Monday.' Dana explained, her eyes urging Izzy to look at her. 'They are going to remove a lung which has become overwhelmed by the cancer. It's risky, and it's not going to cure me.'

This information shocked Izzy into looking at her Mum. 'Can you live with only one lung?' she asked, aghast.

Dana nodded. 'People can and do, darling, but the truth is...' her Mum stumbled on the words. She sighed and took Izzy's hand. 'The truth is. I'm not going to live for very long.'

'What do you mean,' Izzy choked on her words. A lump had formed in her throat, and she was desperate to force it away. To be brave for her mum. 'They have chemo or that immune therapy stuff you told us about,' she said. 'You can keep fighting.'

'I could, sweetheart, but it's just not working,' Dana said. She reached for Izzy's other hand and clutched her. 'We must face facts darling. This can't go on. I've had to make a difficult choice and I've decided I'm going to give up the chemo.'

Izzy could feel the tears streaming down her face now and an irrational swell of anger. She pulled her hands back abruptly and stepped away from the bed.

'Are you talking about dying?' she said harshly. 'You're giving up. You're just not going to try anymore?' She glared at her mum through her tears.

Izzy's mum reached out. There were tears in her eyes now too. 'I want my time with you all to be special,' she said. 'I don't want to be sick the whole time until the end. Chemo makes me feel rotten, and the doctors don't think it will make me better now. The disease is too far spread. Our time together, as a family, is what matters now.'

Izzy was sobbing uncontrollably now. She ignored her mum's outstretched arms and moved to the end of the bed. She sat there for a moment, thinking, waves of anguish washing over her.

'Please Iz, come back up here?' her mum pleaded, her arms outstretched towards her daughter.

Slowly, carefully, Izzy shifted back up the bed. Her mum tried to put her arms around her, but Izzy leaned out of reach. She wiped her cheeks frantically before getting up from the bed. At first, she paced up and down the cubicle; her mum's gaze following her. Then she ducked into the tiny hospital bathroom.

Izzy stared at her messed-up face in the mirror. Her cheeks were swollen and streaked with tears. Then, shaking, she slammed the toilet seat down and sat on it, drawing her knees up to her chest. For a moment, she rocked back and forth unable to fully absorb the information she'd just received. Her brain seemed fuzzy, and her thoughts jumbled. She couldn't quite catch a breath. She heard her mum calling her but couldn't find her voice to answer. Instead, she squeezed her knees tighter willing strength into her body.

Finally, her heart quieted, and Izzy wrapped her fist full of toilet paper and dabbed at her face. Before leaving the bathroom, she checked herself in the mirror. She looked a fright.

'Pull yourself together for goodness' sake!' Izzy instructed her reflection. Then she stepped back out into the ward.

Mia and her dad had returned to the ward with coffee for everyone. Her Mum gave her a brave smile, but Izzy sulked for the rest of the visit. Mia set the tray of coffee down on their mum's bedside table and came over and hugged Izzy, but she shrugged her off. She was mad at her sister for not warning her what was going on and she was desperate to get home. It had been a long and stressful week and all she wanted was to crawl into her bed and sleep.

Finally, the girls said goodbye to their mum and Mia led Izzy out into the corridor. When she was some feet away from her mum's hospital ward, Izzy stopped abruptly. She put her back to the wall and slid to the floor, sobbing. Mia reached her and held her in her arms.

After some time, their dad came looking for them and gently persuaded the girls to step outside towards the car. He looked worn out and miserable too and Izzy felt guilty for her lack of self-control. They were all struggling, not least of them, her dad. Immediately they got home Izzy texted her mum.

Izzy: I love you so much and I'm so sorry. This just really sucks. ILY Iz

There was no response. Which made Izzy worry even more.