Still Beating

Chapter Nine

I don't know what to expect Monday morning from Hayden, and I'm not even sure what I want to happen.

Our paths didn't cross at all over the weekend, which isn't surprising considering that I didn't go to any parties. On Friday evening Josh came to my dorm to watch a movie but it wasn't the relaxing night I hoped it would be. It was a quiet night and even though Josh didn't find it awkward—he was smiling practically the entire time—I did. Josh and I are so similar. We're both hard working and studious and at first, we connected because we had so much in common but now it's starting to feel like we're the like poles of a magnet. The same, but not meant for each other. What bothered me the most was how I didn't feel any real desire to touch Josh. Even with his arm around me, it felt platonic. There was no tingle, no yearn for the other. With Josh's blonde hair and blue eyes, he's handsome, but to me, his eyes represent safety. They aren't the ones I can get lost in.

Josh went back to Scarsdale early on Saturday morning, and ended up leaving halfway through the movie, since we had taken so long to pick one to watch. As soon as he left, I turned it off. I really didn't care for the blue aliens with the funny noses, but Josh had wanted to watch it.

I didn't have a shift Saturday or Sunday but sent a quick text each day to Liam to make sure I wasn't needed and that there were no emergencies. He replied almost instantly to each message, so he's probably not that mad at me anymore and if he's on his phone that much, he's definitely not busy. I hardly left my dorm room at all, except to shower and to get some food whenever I was hungry. I finished all the assignments that I have due within the month. It was a productive weekend, but boring.

The only interesting thing that happened were the text messages from Hayden. When he used my phone to text Josh, he must have made a mental note of my number. I knew they were from him because he addressed me as Bambi and he apologized for being a jerk. So, it had to be him, because he's the only jerk I know. He sent me five messages in total, and I didn't respond to any. But each time my phone sounded with the notification, my heart would speed up and I'd read each message several times in my head before I put the phone down.

I'm staring at them now, while I'm waiting for Prof. Wilson to begin. I'm jumpy, looking over my shoulders more often than usual, because the last thing I want is for Hayden to catch me reading his texts like a creep. The texts mean a lot to me for some reason, probably because they mean he was thinking about me. Which is nice to know, considering how much I think about him.

There are only a few minutes until class officially starts, and I scan the room to see if I've missed Hayden. I'm sitting in a different seat today, because I want to see if he cares enough to find me. I check my phone again, to see if he's texted me. He hasn't.

Feeling defeated, I sit low in my seat and just wait. Prof. Wilson walks across to her podium but stops when she sees another person join her on the platform. It's Hayden.

The course textbooks are under one arm and he's talking to the professor, who is wearing a sympathetic expression. Hayden shakes her hand and hands her his books. He's dropping the course. Hayden begins to walk back to the front door but before he crosses the threshold, he looks at the two seats at the top corner where we met with a grim expression.

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach as I internally beat myself up. I know there has to be some academic reason for Hayden dropping but I can't help but feel that it's all my fault. I told him I don't want to be friends. I didn't accept his apology, or even respond to the messages. I purse my lips and blink back tears as I try to focus on the lecture.

It feels like I lost a lot more than a friend.