Life Is What You Make It (Student/Teacher <3)

Chapter 5

Recap:

My dad sat outside my room the whole night pleading with me to come out. I never opened the door. I stayed in my room for days and days on end, I was only 7 years old. I didn't understand exactly why my mom had left back then. I never fully understood until he let me read the letter she left behind. She left behind 3 letters actually; 1 for Kim, 1 for my dad, and 1 for me. I've read Kims and mine but never my father's. He says it's not for me to see. 

I got up and walked to my walk in closet. I walked in a went to the shelf in the back. I pulled down the box and walked back to my bed. I put the box down and sat Indian style on the bed while pulling the lid off.

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Picture of Deborah Cross (Rachel's mom) on the side

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I picked up the picture that lay on top. It was a picture of me, my mother and my father. My mom is beautiful, and she seemed so happy. I kept looking through the pictures and just wishing i could remember her. Remember anything about her, anything at all. The only thing i remember is her laugh. Her laugh was so odd, she snorted when she laughed which i guess is where i get it from. At the bottom of the box i saw and envelope that i knew held the letter I promised myself i would never read again. 

The letter that my mother left me. The one that i got on my 16th birthday because it's all I asked for. Of course i got other things but the letter was the only thing i wanted. I picked up the envelope and couldn't stop myself from opening it. 

Dear Rachel, 

I love you so much and I hope you know that. I hope you never forget that no matter how far apart we are. I understand that by the time you're father gives this to you, you will probably hate me and rightfully so. Just know that I left because it's what was best for you. I am not ready to be a mother and I doubt I will be ready anytime soon. If I stayed I would have just hurt you and your father. 

Even if you do hate me, I would like you to read this carefully and please listen to me. I want you to grow up to be the beautiful, smart, caring, hard-working, selfless woman I am certain you will become. I know you will do great things one day. You will go to college, meet your special someone, get married, have children and I hope you never leave them like I'm leaving you. It's hard for me to leave but I know you are in better hands with your father.

I hope one day you will understand why i'm doing what I'm doing. I love you so, so much and I hope you never doubt that. One day i will come back and I will try to get back into your life. It may not be within a couple years, but I will reach out one day and I understand if you reject me. I know this hurts you and please don't think it's your fault. I'm too young to raise a family and be a wife. 

So Rachel my daughter, I love you more than life itself and I hope to be in your life again someday. I know you will grow up to be a loving wife and mother even though I've failed you. Stay by your father's side, he's all you have. I pray that one day you'll forgive me but for now this is good bye. I love you with all my heart  and soul my sweet angel. 

With Love,

Your Mom. 

P.S.

If you ever feel lost or sad, sing Because You Loved Me. It always put you to sleep when i sang it. I know among other things you will be a great singer one day. 

By the time i was done reading the tears were silently making their way down my cheeks. You probably think i'm a baby for crying at that, but oh well. It's the only thing i have from my mother. I put all the stuff back in the box and put the box back onto the shelf. I laid down in bed and i couldn't get to sleep, so i quietly sang our song.