Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Little Discussions

Bucky woke up early the next morning and realized two things. The first was that for the first time in ages, he had slept through the night. The second was that Y/n had been holding him since he'd fallen asleep on her shoulder the night before, and based on the hand running up and down his back she was wide awake. He froze, deciding what to do, and realized there was no point in running. Part of him was desperately hoping that she'd understand, that she would be okay with the form of regression he was seeking out. But he knew that was unrealistic, nothing more than a fantasy. She wanted somebody who she could look after entirely, a little that would make her happy. She didn't want a broken, awful baby like him. It was better to face the rejection now rather than hold on to false hope that she'd still want him. He sat up on the bed, not daring to look at her face, and braced himself for her disappointment.

"Say what you're gonna say," he said quietly after a few moments of suffocating silence. "I can take it."

"What?"

"Just say it. Tell me that you don't want me anymore. Tell me to leave," he pleaded, knowing he didn't have the strength to leave on his own. But if she told him to go, he knew he'd listen. "Please don't leave me with this awful false hope. It hurts."

"Buck," she breathed out, finally realizing what he was talking about. "Of course I still want you. It's not false hope, I promise."

"What?" He turned around in complete shock.

"I still want you. I still want to be your mama," she repeated, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I love you, and I'm not leaving." She made sure to speak as clearly as she could, ensuring that there was no room for him to misinterpret her words.

"But I'm, I'm me," he tried to explain. "I'm not the little that you deserve."

"C'mere," she murmured, tugging at his shoulder. He crawled into her lap on instinct and buried his head in her chest. "You are who I deserve. You are who I want. Nothing will ever change that." She tightened her arms around him and kissed the top of his head. "I'm so sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough for me."

"It wasn't you," he whispered, not trusting his voice not to break. "I know I'm not enough. How could I be?"

"What do you mean?" She asked softly, frowning at his words.

"You're perfect. You're soft and good, and I don't think you could hurt somebody if you tried. I'm hard and rough and all around awful." He took a shaky breath in. "No one wants me, and that's the way it's supposed to be. That's what I had accepted a long time ago. But then you came along, and you turned everything on its head and I'm so lost."

"Buck-"

"You shouldn't want this," he interrupted her, continuing almost frantically with his train of thought. "You shouldn't want me. But for some reason you do, and I'm too fucking selfish to stop you." He leaned back, looking her in the eye. "I don't have it in me to push you away anymore, and that's why you have to do it. You have to get rid of me before I destroy you."

Tears burned in his eyes as he watched her process what he had said. This was it. He had finally shown her the truth.

"Oh Bucky," she breathed out, hugging him tightly against her all over again. "My baby. My angel. How could you think that?" She pressed a kiss to his temple. "I need this. I need you. I need you more than you need me if we're being honest." She found herself clinging to him as though she could somehow make him understand just by holding him close enough. "I'm not perfect, far from it in fact. I've hurt people, just like everyone has. Do you have any idea how many times I've visited Sarkissian?"