Little Secrets, Little Bucky

Don't Force It

Once they got home, Bucky was struggling. He'd woken up much earlier than Y/n thought he had. He'd just laid in the bed, pulling himself out of his headspace until he went to shower. He'd woken up still little but hadn't wanted to burden her with that. Buying the new toys had made him want to let go even more but he had managed to hold it together. But now they were sitting in the common area and he was having trouble keeping himself from slipping.

"Buck?"

Shit. He hadn't been listening to what she was saying, too focused on not going little involuntarily. "What? What'd you ask me again?"

"I asked if you were alright," Y/n could tell he wasn't, she wasn't even sure why she asked. She could see he was struggling with something, but what? He looked her in the eye, trying to appear confident.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said unconvincingly. He clearly wasn't fine. Now that he was looking her in the eye she could see that he was fighting to stay big. He looked so unsure and so young. It sent a pang of guilt through Y/n's chest, she should've realized sooner.

"Are you feeling little, sweetheart?" She asked gently, moving closer to where he was sitting at the kitchen island. Her suspicions were confirmed as his breath hitched and his eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in a broken voice, "I'm trying to stop, just give me a second."

"Oh honey, you don't need to stop, it's ok," she stepped in front of his seat and pulled him into her arms, "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this?"

"I didn't want to burden you with me," he choked out, face buried in her shoulder, "I was little yesterday, so I made sure that I got big this morning before you woke up."

"Do you remember what we talked about? Once you're in your headspace you need to stay there until you feel ready to be big again," she reminded him, running a hand up and down his back, "You're not a burden, Bucks, especially not when you're little."

A little sob escaped him and she tightened her arms around him. "It's ok, honey, you can let go." The anxious little was clearly overwhelmed and she knew she needed to settle him down so that he could get all the way into his headspace. "Why don't we get you cozy? I'll get you in some comfy clothes and you can have a bottle. How's that sound, sweetheart?"

He nodded his head. As embarrassing as the situation was, he knew this was what he needed. She'd take care of him, she always took care of him. "Can you pick me up?" He mumbled, half expecting her to say no. After all he wasn't even completely little yet. But she scooped him up, carrying him and the bag of toys they'd bought earlier into her suite.

She took him straight into her room and set him on the bed, handing him the new stuffed dog to keep him distracted from the anxiety he was feeling. "You know that puppy still needs a name, Bucks." She said, digging through his little clothes for an outfit.

"Spots?" He tentatively suggested.

"Good idea, sweetheart," she said, earning a satisfied smile from Bucky, "Spots it is."

She came over to the bed with a change of clothes. "Do you want to dress yourself or do you want me to do it?"

"I'll do it," he didn't feel small enough yet for her to dress him, although he knew once he had the bottle that would change fast. She offered him the clothes and he noticed the pull-up on top. His heart started racing as he gave her a frightened look.

"I know you're nervous, but I think it'll be better in the long run. you need protection while you're little," she began. She understood why it was so scary for him. Sarkissian had forced him into diapers before and he was subjected to horrible punishments and humiliation as a result. But the last thing either of them needed was for him to fall asleep without a pull-up on, wet himself, and have a panic attack. It broke her heart whenever he had accidents and she'd do whatever it took to keep him comfortable. "I promise, Bucks, I'll change you the second it gets wet. Pull-ups don't hold more than one wetting and I'd never just let you sit in it even if they did. I just want to keep you safe, alright?"

As humiliating as it was to admit, she had a point. He needed something to fall back on, even if it was a pull-up. He was shocked to discover that he really did trust her with this. He wholeheartedly believed that she would keep an eye on him and change him the second he needed it. She wouldn't do anything to hurt him, she never did. "I can still use the bathroom, right?" As long as he was still allowed to go when he wanted to, he figured that the pull-ups didn't have to be the worst thing in the world.

"Of course you can," she reassured him, "this is just in case." He nodded his head and accepted the clothes. Y/n walked to the doorway intending on heading to the kitchen to wash Bucky's new teethers and make his bottle. "I'll come get you in about 15 minutes, ok? Let Jarvis know if you need more time." Bucky nodded again and once she left the room he inspected the clothes that she'd given him.

He set the pull-up aside, cheeks flushing red, and instead focused on getting dressed. He pulled off the shirt he was wearing, replacing it with the light blue one that Y/n had lovingly picked out for him moments ago. He was surprised to see that there was no silly phrase or design on this one. It was a little disappointing if he was being honest, he liked the childish clothes she usually chose for him.

He took off his sweatpants and his boxers, sliding on the pull-up, and tried not to think too hard about what he was doing. As he picked up the bottoms from the bed he realized why his shirt was blank. They were overall shorts. But not ones made of denim or corduroy or any other harsh fabric. They were made of material that felt almost like the joggers he wore to bed most nights. They were soft and gray, they looked like something you'd dress, well, a baby in. He pulled them on, buttoning the straps over his shoulders and sat down on the bed, pulling on the light blue socks Y/n had left out for him.

Once he was done getting dressed he just sat there on the bed for a moment, letting himself drift all the way into his headspace as he clutched onto Spots. He saw his blankie laying on the bed and reached for it, burying his face in the soft fabric. After a couple minutes, Y/n came into the room and stood in front of him.

"Are you hungry, baby?" Baby. That's right he was her baby. He reached for her, making a pleased little sound when she picked him up and held him close. He was definitely getting hungry and his stomach growled loudly while she was holding him. "Oh my goodness, I'll take that as a yes!" She exclaimed, taking him out into the living room to have his bottle.

She got him settled in her arms and he began drinking from the bottle as soon as it touched his lips. She could never get sick of this, holding him close and whispering to her baby about how much she loved him while he ate. And it seemed that he enjoyed it just as much as she did. She could see him sinking deeper into his headspace as he ate and she encouraged it, telling him how good he was and how much she loved getting to take care of him.

"Mama's here, my baby." She cooed softly, "You can be as little as you want." Just like the other times she'd given him a bottle, he gazed up at her with wide, innocent eyes, still in disbelief that he had a mama that cared about him like this. She was gentle, and warm, and everything she did or said made Bucky feel so small. He didn't bother fighting it, just let himself drift until all he could think of or feel was how much his mama loved him. He had one hand fisted in her shirt, but Mama didn't seem to mind.

Once he had finished the bottle Mama set him against her shoulder again to burp him. Bucky squirmed with discomfort but his mama made it all better, just like she always did. Once the gas bubble was out of his tummy he stayed right where he was, not wanting to move from this safe place in her arms. She didn't seem to have a problem with that, as she just pulled him closer in her lap and grabbed a picture book off of the coffee table.