She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Prideful Determination

My head rested comfortably on George's chest as he stroked my hair. I hummed as my eyes opened to look up at the man holding me.

"Have a nice kip?" he asked.

"Mmhmm." I nuzzled his soft sweater. "What time is it?"

"About 6."

"Oh, are you hungry? I can make dinner!" I said standing up to stretch.

"I'm not real hungry."

"What?" I turned around in shock. "This is a first!"

He shrugged his shoulders while I headed toward the bathroom.

"Maybe we could do something else. . ."

"Like what?" I asked taking out the prescription bottle from the cabinet. The bottle was almost empty which was good. It had been a little over a month since I had started therapy and the drugs and I was finally feeling normal again. I was even happier in my relationship with George. At my next appointment, I would tell my doctor that I no longer wanted the drugs or the sessions.

"Well, we could work up an appetite. . ."

I almost choked on the two pills I was swallowing at that moment.

"Are you alright?" George called from the sofa.

"Yeah," I cleared my throat. "I'm fine."

Really, though I was the exact opposite. That was the only problem now. I couldn't even think about sex without cringing. I wished I could tell George why but I wasn't ready.

"So what do you say?" George appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.

Biting my bottom lip, I tried to think of excuse. "I'm sorry, Tiger. I just remembered I have to leave. It's my turn to make dinner at home." I reached up to put my hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, that's alright love," he said. "I'll see you at the concert tomorrow though?"

"Definitely, Georgie." I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll be dreaming about you tonight," he said before I left.

He would be dreaming of me while I dreamed about telling him the awful truth.

"You were pregnant?" his eyes wide with surprise.

"Yes," I'd admit crying.

"Wha-why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie?" He'd pace about the unrecognizable dark room around us.

"I . . . I . . . don't know!" I'd sob.

"You don't know?" George would throw his hands up as if giving up on me. "You're unbelievable."

"I didn't want to bother you, hold you back."

"Well, you won't be anymore. I'm done with you." His thin frame would begin to walk away and disappear into the darkness.

That's when I would wake up gasping for air. The darkness would begin to swallow me up making it difficult to breathe. Along with the unbearable pain of being abandoned, these things would awaken me from this occasional dream or rather, nightmare.

Then the endless questions would begin to pour out of my brain. Should I tell him? The guilt told me I should, but the fear of hurting him overpowered my feeling of remorse. What if he finds out? Will he leave me? Should I end things? Will I ever be able to move past this?

I knew if I never ended things with George, I would never be able to fully heal. The thought of being alone, though frightened me. I would have no one to run to, no one to support me, no one to love me unconditionally.