A-Z Upstead

Y=your safe with me

TW for abuse, suicidal ideation, and sexual assault.

Voight had sent everyone home early since there was a big storm coming. It started pouring when they were driving home and Hailey's anxiety spiked. Jay noticed this and asked if she was ok.

"Hey hails are you ok?" Jay asked.

"Yeah sorry just tired" she replied.

"Yeah me too it's been a long week. How about we watch some movies when we get home" Jay asked.

"I would love that" Hailey replied.

Halfway through their movie, the storm hit. Hailey began to internally. Jay noticed this.

"Hey, Hailey what's wrong?" Jay asked.

It's nothing it's stupid I'm fine" Hailey replied.

"It's not stupid if it's making you anxious hails, talk to me," he told her, grabbing her hands

"I just don't like storms because of my childhood, especially thunder and power outages" Hailey replied shakily.

"I'm sorry hails im here your safe with me," Jay told her.

"I'm going to use the restroom real quick ill be right back," Hailey said.

"Ok" Jay replied.

When Hailey was in the bathroom he went into the closet and got batteries, matches, candles, lanterns, and flashlights in case the power went out. He set them all on the kitchen counter and then went into their room to grab Hailey's stress relief candle. Once he got it he lit it and put it on the coffee table. Once Hailey got back they resumed their movie. Halfway through the movie, the thunder started. A loud clap of thunder hit and Hailey jumped towards Jay.

"Ssh your ok babe im here your safe your safe with me I've got you" Jay soothed

A couple of minutes later the power went out and Hailey began to have a panic attack.

"Ok ok, it's ok your ok I'm gonna get the flashlights, candles, and lanterns" Jay soothed.

He quickly got them and got everything set up. Once he was done setting up he began to help her calm down. He put his hand on her shoulder and she jumped away from him.

"Please don't hurt me I'm sorry," Hailey said scared.

"Ssh ssh I'm not going to hurt you it's ok your safe, safe with me I've got you just breathe for me in 1,2,3,4 out 1,2,3,4."Jay soothed.

Jay repeated this till she calmed down.

"Sorry," Hailey said shakily.

"No don't apologize for it's not your fault. You don't have to but I want you to tell me what happened. I want to help you carry this I want to help you through this." Jay told her.

"Ok, so I didn't tell you everything. It wasn't just my dad who was abusive. It was my whole family. My whole family including my youngest sister ganged up on me constantly. Whenever I would try to fight back or stand up for myself id get in trouble and get told "that I was the oldest and needed to act like it.  Most of the main reasons I'm scared come from my sibling. Mainly my youngest sister. She got away with everything, one morning when I was 10 I was getting ready for school and was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. I don't remember exactly what happened because of memory loss but I somehow made her mad and she grabbed me by my shirt dragged me across the room a couple of inches away from the bathtub then shoved me in as hard as she could. I landed on my head and neck and screamed. I was in so much pain. My vision was blurry. My mom came running up and got me out of the bathtub. She gave me Advil and sent me to school. I started crying from pain and fear in my first class. My teacher noticed and took me into the hall, I told her everything. She hugged me and sent me to the nurse. When I got there I got diagnosed with a mild concussion. My mom picked me up and I slept most of the day. This was right before Halloween. October 29, 1999. Later that night we carved pumpkins. I asked to go first and got told no and that my youngest sister was going first. I tried protesting and saying how she hurt me but my mom told me to "suck it up and be the bigger person." My middle sister wasn't abusive, she hugged me and sat with me while I waited my turn. She helped take care of me until I was better. This was when I started to become skittish with sounds. The next main incident was 4 years later when I was 15. We were visiting family in Wisconsin and I was sitting on the counter watching headphones while my youngest sister and cousin made some mac n cheese. I had both my headphones in so I didn't hear my sis telling me to get off the counter. She grabbed me by my shirt and yelled in my face to "listen to her when she tells me to do something". I tried to pull away when she grabbed my wrist and dragged me across the room. She slammed me into the pantry door. My ribs slammed into the knob, my head flew forward on impact and I got whiplash. I tried to get away and she took her feet and scraped my feet with her and dug her nails into my skin and yelled at me. My middle sister was sleeping and got woke up to yelling. She ran into the kitchen and got my sister off of me. Both of my feet had scratches and were bleeding and my arms were bleeding. I began to have a full-blown panic attack. My middle sister comforted me and held me the whole time. Once I calmed down she cleaned me up, the next morning I went to tell my parents. My mom blamed it on me and said I deserved it. She said "I shouldn't have been sitting on the counter" and "if I was sitting on the counter none of this wouldn't have happened. She made me clean the whole inside and outside of the house as punishment. My middle sister tried to help me but got yelled at. My middle sister got me ice and pain meds every night until the pain went away. I love her so much, she's the only family member I still talk to. 2 years later when I was 17 I was sexually and physically assaulted by someone who I thought was my best friend at a 2-day sleepover.I was sexually assaulted during a power outage during a bad storm. I wanted to take my own life that night. It took everything in me not to take an entire 500 Advil bottle. 7 months later I was in my favorite teacher's class and someone made a sexual assault joke. It triggered my anxiety. My teacher noticed a change in my demeanor right after the joke and took me into the hall. I broke down and told her everything that happened the night I was sexually assaulted. I had such a bad panic attack she had to help me to sit on the ground because of bad I was shaking. She held me and comforted me for 30 minutes. She helped me build up the courage to tell my mom what happened. When I got home I told my mom. It went awful. When I told her she laughed in my face. I told her I wanted to get help and go to therapy. She said I was being dramatic, overreacting, and doing it for attention. I went up to my room and wanted to take my own life. I told my middle sister everything and she hugged me and told me it wasn't my fault. She talked me out of taking my own life that night. She talked me off the ledge multiple times throughout my childhood. I honestly don't think I would be here if it wasn't for her. These were the main things that caused me to be scared of loud noises, storms, and power outages. All of the other stuff that happened didn't help." she said shakily

"Oh my god hails I'm so sorry you deserved none of that I'm so sorry I'm so glad you had your middle sister your safe here your safe with me." jay told her sympathetically.

"I'm sorry for trauma dumping," Hailey said

    'No Hails don't apologize I told you I wanted to help you carry it and get through it and I meant it." Jay told her

"It actually felt good to get that off my chest" Hailey admitted

"Good I'm glad," Jay said

Common let's go to bed your safe babe ill be there the whole time" Jay said

They went to bed and Hailey woke up from a nightmare an hour later.

"Ssh your ok it's ok your safe with me ssh just breathe" Jay soothed.

She fell back asleep but had multiple nightmares. Jay held and comforted her through each one. When they woke up the storm was over.

"How are you feeling babe," Jay asked.

"Tired" Hailey replied.

"I know I'm sorry babe" Jay replied.

They ate some breakfast and watched movies. Jay could hear Hailey thinking.

"Hails what's on your mind I can hear you thinking?," Jay asked.

"I just wish I wasn't so scared of storms. I used to love storms till everything happened. I used to go outside in the rain. If there was thunder and lightning I would sit on my covered patio. If it wasn't I would sit and play in the rain I used to love it" Hailey said.

"I'm sorry babe I want to help you love storms again I want that for you," Jay told her.

It took 6 months but with Jay's support, she was able to love storms again. She looked forward to every storm. She still didn't like power outages but no one really did. She was able to get through power outages without panic attacks and jay was super proud of her.

A/N To all of my abuse and SA survivors you are so strong. You didn't deserve any of this and it wasn't your fault. Keep on fighting you've got this. My DMS is always open if you need to talk. As a survivor, I am passionate about spreading awareness. The middle sibling I talked about in this was actually my cousin. Everything that happened in the story happened to me. Unfortunately, she wasn't there for any of this but when I told her everything each time something happened she said this is what she would've done. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my cousin. Lastly thank you for 2.8k reads I love you all.