Charlotte's POV
I took a deep breath and lightly pressed on the button over the side of my phone, checking my notifications once again, hoping to see his name there.
I feel so stupid every time I even think about checking my phone.
It's been a week since he flew to see me, since we... well, slept together, and we haven't talked ever since.
My mind keeps replaying those events over and over, analyzing what happened from every angle possible, and I still haven't been able to fully process it.
On one hand I am a little disappointed in myself, I can't help but feel guilty, I still feel responsible for him leaving his wife, and I also feel nasty for giving into my urges and giving myself to him so easily. That's not something I'd usually do, even though it's not like I had been receiving much action.
It's just not the type of person I am, I'm not the type to casually sleep around, I can't trust someone like that if we don't have a connection.
Maybe it's the internalized misogyny and retrograde beliefs, but I felt like an easy catch, and I can't help but think that that was the only reason he went to see me, to fuck me.
On the other hand, even if he did just use me for that, I really enjoyed everything we did. He was amazing, to say the least, which is probably why i'm obsessing over wether he texts me or not.
I sighed and put my phone down.
Was everything he said just total crap? Am I stupid for having this tiny piece of me believe him?
Is he fucking insane, or does he actually love me? Even after all these years apart, spending them with another person, his marriage... is that even possible?
Do I... love him?
Well, I've always loved him, that's a stupid question. The real question is, would I want to be with him again?
I think it'd feel draining starting over with him again, not because theres anything wrong with him, but he just has too many questions, he wants to know so much about me while he was gone, and I don't know if I'm ready to tell him everything that happened.
When he asked me about my self harming I wanted to be swollen by the earth, or teleport anywhere else, anything to get out of that conversation. Although he stopped asking about it once he noticed how uncomfortable I was, I could still tell he was upset I didn't want to tell him, which made me feel guilty.
If I felt so uncomfortable when he asked me about that, I can't even think about having a conversation with him where I tell him about the miscarriage, or therapy, or just how shitty everything got. I haven't told anyone about that, only my mom and Ariana know it happened.
I feel so torn.
Another thing that runs my mind is how will the media react if we do get back together. I can already hear the home-wrecker and slut shaming comments. Let's not forget about the thousand of death threats.
It's just too much pressure. Thank god there hasn't been any pictures of us together circling around, although we were very close of been caught.
Despite all the negative thoughts, and the confusion that would take over me, I... I want to see him again. I really do.
I had forgotten how amazing it was to just lay in his arms, how peaceful it felt, the familiar homey feeling he always provided for me. It was great to feel like that again.
I just want that feeling again.
My phone vibrated, making me quickly jump out of my thoughts, and run to check who had texted me.
Mom:
Tom just bought the plane tickets!!
I smiled to myself, although it wasn't the person I was hoping, it made me happy that my mom was visiting. That way I wasn't so lonely.
Charlotte:
yayyyy!!!
I replied and put my phone down.
I need to stop obsessing over him.
