Uncovering the Camouflaged Daughter

37

Tahimik lang kaming lahat noong dumating kami sa bahay. I directly went to my room and processed things. Kuya Luis and his family went home but Kuya Alfonso and Andy will be staying here for the mean time. What happened earlier in the ancestral house was rash.

But I'm kind of satisfied cause I got to defend my Mom. It's always my way or the highway. My family cannot stop me when I've had enough with certain people. Nakakainis lang. Sobrang nakakainis.

I didn't expect that... that aunt of mine will say that I'm worthless. I've never heard of those things being thrown against me before. Naiiyak ako sa inis. Kasi nandito na naman ako, nagsisimula na namang hindi maging okay.

This is what I hate about myself. Ayokong tinutulungan ako sa tuwing malungkot ako. Dinidibdib ko siyang mag isa dahil ayokong makaabala. Pakiramdam ko na naman na wala talaga akong kwenta.

This is what I used to feel when my family didn't introduce me to the public yet. Pakiramdam ko kinakahiya nila ako. I feel like I'm not worthy of their love. I got depressed because of that. Hindi naman talaga yun eh... mahal na mahal naman talaga nila ako at hangang-hanga sila sa akin, sadyang ang pag-iisip ko lang talaga ang may gawa ng mga ganoon.

Paano niya naatim na tawagin akong 'walang kwenta' dahil lang ayokong pumasok sa negosyo? Do I have to seek for their validation again? That was what I felt with my Dad's side. Parang kailangang may lagi akong maipakita na achievement na gusto nila. Lagi na lang eh.

Lumabas ako sa kwarto at pumunta sa backyard namin. I sat at the bench with Mommy's plants and flowers in front of me. This is where she gets a little air when she feels suffocated with the situations.

Hanggang kailan kaya ako kailangan magpakitang gilas sa kanila?

"Penny for your thoughts, darling?" I flinched when I saw Dad, standing at the side of the bench. I moved a little to the other side to give him a space to sit.

Umupo siya sa tabi ko. I didn't talk at all but I feel his stares to me. Suminghap ako.

"Parang ang lalim ng iniisip mo, anak. Can you perhaps share it to me?" Sabi ni Daddy.

I glanced at him and formed my lips in a girm line before speaking, "Just having some thoughts about until when will I stop forcing things to happen."

Nakita kong napasandal si Daddy sa bench at nangunot ang noo. "What do you mean by that, darling?"

"Hanggang kailan ko ba kailangan magpakitang gilas sa side ng family mo, Dad? Bakit palagi kong kailangan mag effort para sa kanila kahit na hindi naman nila na-a-appreciate?" diretso kong sabi. Natahimik si Daddy sa sinabi ko.

"You know you don't have to do those—"

"Pinaparamdam nila sa akin na kailangan, Dad! Palagi na lang! Hindi niyo naman ako pine-pressure ni Mommy at nila Kuya eh! Hindi naman ako pine-pressure nila Mama Meldy! Bakit parang kailangan kong makuha ang validation nila?!" I complained.

"What do you want me to do, darling? Gagawin ko, anak... I want to make it up to you.. sa inyo ng Mommy't mga Kuya mo." naluluha ang mata ni Daddy. He looks so desperate. Desperate for my forgiveness and attention.

I slowly shook my head, not knowing what to answer. "Hindi ko alam, Dad... Kasi pag may sinabi ako at gagawin mo talaga, ako na naman ang masama. Kahit nga lang pinagtanggol ko si Mommy kanina, diba ako pa yung disrespectful?" I laughed without humor, yumuko ako.

"I can cut them off for you, Irenielle. Kaya kong manira ng tao para sa inyo ng Mommy't mga kapatid mo. I... I just don't know how, but once you say so, I will." sabi ni Daddy.

Hindi ako makapagsalita noong narinig ko ang sinabi niya. It is hard for me to process it properly on my mind. I'm torn between on telling my Dad what I want him to do or just let them be. So instead I said,