epiphany - lydia martin [book 1]

chapter nine. confessions pt. 2

"Where the hell is your brother?" My mom asked over the phone, causing my eyes to widen. I had no idea where Scott was. I debated whether or not I should lie to try and save his ass or tell the truth. What if he was actually in trouble, like if he was captured by Allison's dad or something? Allison's aunt was also in town, meaning that the Argents were calling in more people to hunt down the Alpha and Scott. What if they found him? Then I would be complicit. I was sure that wasn't the case but it wasn't worth the risk.

"Honestly, I have no idea where he is. He... wasn't in school today." I admitted.

"Yeah, I know. He missed the parent-teacher conferences."

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Well, I'm home and he's not here." I heard my mom sigh over the line before a thought crossed my mind. How did I not think of this before? "Wait... Are Allison's parents there?"

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with -" I rose my eyebrows, waiting for her to finish. She then sighed."Of course... Thanks honey, see you at home." She hung up almost immediately, making me cringe in fear for Scott. I exhaled loudly before I flopped on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Scott skipped school to be with Allison. That was probably the most obvious answer, I can't believe either of us didn't think of that. He couldn't stay away from Allison. Especially not for an entire day. He was in love with her. I don't think he realized it yet but he is. I don't think I ever saw what being in love looked like in real life until I saw Scott look at Allison.

It kind of made me sad that my parents never had that kind of love. The kind of love I hoped to find one day.

I didn't get that from Jackson and Lydia. I knew I wasn't in their relationship and I had no idea what they were like when they were alone, but I couldn't imagine Jackson being in love with anyone else but himself. Lydia deserved someone better than him. I wonder why she even went out with him. I mean, was popularity really all that important if it meant you had to deal with an annoying, self-centered, asshole like Jackson?

I wondered what that whole thing was about today. Lydia flirting with me, and rubbing on my neck and stuff. Was it just because of the drugs? Or is it kind of like alcohol, like whenever a drunk person confesses something it's because they actually mean it. Like that whole saying "drunken words are sober thoughts". Would that mean that she likes me, and she's been wanting to do those things all along? I guess the only way to find out would be to ask. Or see if she says anything next time I see her. She probably isn't even gonna remember, she was so drugged up.

The sound of the doorbell ringing made me sigh as I got up to answer it. I jogged down the stairs after slipping on my crocs, opening the door without bothering to look through the peephole. I was met with a nervous looking Stiles Stilinski standing behind the door. "Hey," I smiled, stepping to the side to let him inside. "What are you doing here?" I closed the door before sitting next to him on the couch.

Stiles swallowed thickly, running his hands over his head. "Um... I wanted to talk to you."

I furrowed my brows, "Why didn't you just text?"

"Because I have to tell you something and it really shouldn't be said over the phone."

I sat up, concern written all over my face as I looked at him. "Okay... Is it about Scott?"

Stiles shook his head vigorously, "No, no, no. Look, can you just listen, please?"

I nodded, "Yeah, sure. I'm sorry." Now I was nervous. He seemed really stressed out and anxious. I wondered why he just decided to come over randomly. I really hoped he wasn't about to say what I think he was gonna say. I really didn't wanna deal with this right now. I waited for Stiles to speak, my heart beating faster with every waking moment. I felt like I could see how red his face was getting and how nervous he was.

"I've really wanted to tell you this for a while now and I know it's probably my fault and I should have said something sooner but now I realized that I probably wont get another chance." I nodded, forcing myself to keep quiet until he finished. "I like you." Fuck. "I've liked you for a while now, well, I don't really know when it happened. I just realized it a couple weeks ago but I kind of feel like I've always had feelings for you - I guess I just started looking at you differently at some point."

I didn't know what to say. I felt like I was permanently frozen. I could feel his eyes boring into my face, waiting for me to say something. What do I say? I don't like Stiles. Right? It's definitely possible to like two people at the same time. It didn't seem so bad dating Stiles, but I didn't know if I wanted to. I knew one thing for sure. I liked Lydia and I wanted to date her. I liked how Lydia smelled (like citrus fruit) and how pretty her hair was (strawberry blonde). How she laughed (loudly) and smiled around me. How she talked (with a soft yet teasing tone), how she acted different around me (without a care in the world), how she was softer and more sensitive, and funny, and witty. I just liked Lydia.

I realized that this is how I was supposed to feel when I had a crush. There wasn't supposed to be any doubt. I didn't know if I liked Stiles because I didn't like Stiles. In fact, I don't think I'd ever felt this way about any guy ever. I always thought maybe I'd just had a preference for girls but I didn't think I could ever feel this way about a guy.

"Um, well thank you for telling me that. I don't really know what to say." I admitted. "I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it. But... I don't really know how I feel, to be honest." He looked like he had been hit in the guts with a sledgehammer. He probably was expecting me to say something else. At least, a definitive yes or no. I mean, when you like a person for so long and you think about them all the time, you think about this moment. Telling them you like them and them saying they like you back. But I didn't say that. "I'm sorry, Stiles. I'm just a little confused, also? I thought you liked Lydia."

Stiles shook his head, "No, I mean - I did. But I don't know, after all the times you said it was never gonna happen, I actually realized it for myself." He mumbled.

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. I tried to imagine myself kissing him, or any guy. And I just couldn't. I couldn't see it and I couldn't see myself enjoying it either. "Stiles... I just - I don't feel the same way. I'm sorry, I just have a crush on somebody else."

Stiles bit his bottom lip, the boy nodding, "I knew it."

I furrowed my brows as I did a double-take. "Wh - what do you mean you know?"

"I wasn't sure but, now I know. I mean, you haven't had a crush in forever so it must be special. That's why I had to tell you. It's Lydia, right? You like her?" He insisted. I sighed, nodding my head. He shook his head as if he was beating himself up.

"Stiles, it's okay." I said softly, reaching to grab his hand. He stood up, moving his hand away from me.

"No, it's not. But I'll be fine." He said before he let himself out. I sighed in defeat, slouching back on the chair as I wallowed in my own sadness.

I felt terrible.

That was not how I wanted that to go. It wasn't his fault. Maybe if I had figured myself out sooner, I wouldn't have been able to give him any false hope. Allison was right. Stiles did like me. But Stiles and I could never be together because I didn't like boys.

>>>

heyyyyy, this is a bit of a shorter one. a certain someone makes a confession... i really wanted to use the stiles plotline as a ploy to have devin realize her sexuality and to show what compulsory heterosexuality feels like. stiles is the perfect male option for devin. kind, caring, funny, literally her best friend, and she can imagine it wouldn't be bad to date him but she didn't want to nor was she excited to. her feelings for lydia show her what attraction is actually supposed to be like.